Yeah, I made up the “sexually” part up, but it got you reading this, so why stop now?
Many of you long time readers may recall me practically begging Adam Green to make several sequels to his throwback horror film Hatchet. Then he went and made Hatchet II and I mostly complained. It wasn’t flat-out terrible, but I think it’s now safe to say that it was overall disappointing.
Then, in an obvious bid to keep me in his good graces, Green made what may end up being one of my favorite films of 2011, Chillerama. His segment in Chillerama, entitled The Diary of Anne Frankenstein, is one of the funniest spoofs I’ve seen in a very long time, and well worth the price of the DVD. Not only that, but on the bonus features Green hints at what we were all thinking: Hatchet II was a disappointment.
Which brings us to this weekend. Green posted the following picture on his Facebook page late Friday night:
Oh, Adam, you tease, you. Now all you have to do is get the original Marybeth back and then just tell me where to insert my money. If you need me I’ll be over there.
I still remember my old VHS copy of the original Fright Night that I dragged to EVERY sleepover I went to. We were almost never allow to watch it (boobies!), but it was always a fun/scary good time whenever we did. Anyway, the trailer is now out for the remake, and I must say that I’m getting the same fun vibes. Perhaps I should just skip this in theaters and throw a slumber party when the DVD comes out. Who’s in?
Gentlemen, thank you for seeing me today. I know that for most of you, this time in the afternoon is usually reserved for brief, albeit intimate, encounters with your mistresses in some seedy little motel on Vine. I can see that you’re all busy Hollywood producers, and time is money, so I won’t beat around the bush, which, as I’ve said, is what I’m sure many of you would rather be doing right now.
I’ve come to you today to ask for financing for a film I think you guys are really going to go for. Now, as I’m sure you’re aware, the horror market is constantly rating high with the kids. What I’m proposing is a return to the holiday themed horror film. I know what you’re thinking. Eli Roth is over at Miramax right now developing Thanksgiving and that last Halloween film Mr. Zombie made didn’t perform so well, but let’s not kid ourselves. Nobody cares about those holidays anymore. They’re yesterday’s news. We need a new holiday, right? And here’s my pitch: A Cinco de Mayo killer.
America’s Hispanic population is practically exploding and research has shown that most Hispanics have heard of movies. Gentlemen, we’re talking about an untapped market here! Now then, nobody on my staff seemed to know what Cinco de Mayo is really about, but we did discover that people like to drink. So I’m thinking we open on a bunch of horny kids drinking, then some guy kills them all. I don’t really have a title yet, but perhaps something along the lines of Sicko de Mayo might do the trick.
Well, let me just wrap things up by saying how much I’m looking forward to working with each and every one of you. Thank you very much for your time. And now, I’d like to conclude by giving all of you the traditional Hollywood handshake, or as it’s better known, a blow job.
Listen. I like horror movies. I like Daniel Radcliffe in goofy period clothes. I like black women. So shouldn’t this be the best movie ever made?
To a horror nerd like myself, After Dark’s Horrorfest was nearly a dream come true. Started in 2006, the concept alone had my money. Fifty bucks at your local cineplex bought you a single ticket to see eight different indie horror films spread throughout the evening. At the end of the night, everybody got to vote on their favorite, or so we were told. I don’t recall ever voting for anything, but somehow a winner was always chosen.
And of course most of the films flat out sucked. To this day the mere mention of The Final, Lake Dead, The Graves, or anything with Rider Strong is enough to trigger my gag reflex. In fact, fifty bucks wasn’t much of a deal when you consider that what you really got was one great film, two okay ones, and five complete suckfests. However, that single great film was always a nice find. I still consider Reincarnation, The Broken, and the soon-to-be-remade Lake Mungo to be near perfect horror films.
Now it appears that after four years, Horrorfest is calling it quits. I would assume that they were losing money, as there sure doesn’t seem to be a shortage of crappy horror films. Add to that the fact that After Dark was bought up by SyFy Films, and perhaps all of this is good news. Who would pay fifty bucks to see eight SyFy movies? If anything, they should be paying me.
Oh well. It was a good run.
I sure do love me some Stephen King. I own every book and have gone out of my way to see every lame movie adaptation. As a fan, I can say that this week’s news of both a theatrical remake of The Stand and the possible casting of Javier Bardem as Roland in the Dark Tower films and TV series is all absolutely wonderful. I have full confidence that things are looking up in the Stephen King film world.
That being said, I will shamefully admit that this trailer is my all-time favorite King film low. The best part? It was brought to us by (a mostly high) Stephen King himself.
Stephen King pointed at me!
These past few years John Carpenter has been restricted to producing horror films and writing/directing the occasional Masters of Horror episode. He hasn’t really made a film since 2001’s John Carpenter’s Ghost of Mars, and quite frankly, that’s fine with me.
Then Wes Craven had to go and ruin it all by making Wes Craven’s My Soul to Take, a film that me, Ryan, and nearly everybody else who was tricked into seeing it agreed was one of the worst films of 2010. However, our pal John Carpenter took one look at it and thought, “Now there’s a bank full of retirement money for old, overrated filmmakers like myself! Kids will pay for anything! It was true when I made John Carpenter’s Halloween H2O and it’s true now!”
Hence: John Carpenter’s The Ward.
So is it just me, or is the twist going to be that she’s the one doing all the killing? Oh well. At least John Carpenter isn’t attempting to take us “closer to terror than we’ve ever been before …in 3D”, much like the trailer of that Wes Craven film promised.
Finally home from my holiday festivities, and I’ve come baring gifts. Check out the teaser for Kevin Smith’s religious-themed horror film Red State.
Even though this tells us next to nothing, I’m pretty interested. Granted, I’m a Kevin Smith fan, and I’m anxious to see what he can do in this new genre, but casting a crazy priest as your villain seems pretty original to me. I’m probably REALLY wrong about that, so feel free to post links to all the other crazy priest movies in the comments.
And that title is…Piranha 3DD!
Seriously. I may be alone here, but Ithink that’s a brilliant title. I can pretty much already see the 3D boobs on the poster, and as we all know, 3D boobs pack those theater seats. Hollywood even has a formula for this:
3D boobies = Money in bank
Have a great weekend, kids.
Here at Critical End! we’re proud of our knowledge of holiday themed horror movies. Why, if it weren’t for us, you wouldn’t know the true, god-awful horror of such “classics” like Valentine, Leprechaun, and Silent Night Deadly Night Parts 1 through 5. What’s our secret? Simply put: We know that you would rather spend the holidays with your family and not watching some shitty horror movie featuring Clint Howard or a killer leprechaun. That being said, it’s with a humble heart that I ask you to ditch your family this Thanksgiving Thursday and go out of your way to watch a little holiday themed horror film proudly called ThanksKilling.
“But, Logan,” I can can hear you whining. “I love my family and the time spent with them!” Yeah, well your family sucks. This movie doesn’t. Okay, it kinda does. But that’s the point. Stick with me, folks.
ThanksKilling opens on a cue card telling us that we’re about to see the very first Thanksgiving. It then quickly cuts to boobs. Pilgrim boobs, that is, and not just any pilgrim boobs. Running pilgrim boobs. And what happens when there’s no place else for pilgrim boobs to run? A talking turkey kills her with an axe. Smash cut to opening credits playing over what can best be described as a remix of the Halloween theme with added “gobbles” mixed in, and I suddenly realized that something magical was unfolding on my TV screen: A horror holiday film the likes of which I hadn’t seen since Jack Frost.
There’s what you might call a plot. Some college students are heading home for Thanksgiving break and their car breaks down. They party and flirt, and once they get all of the wiener and tit jokes out of the way, things get going. You guessed it: A killer turkey starts stalking and killing them one by one. An attempt, of sorts, is made to explain the origins of the killer turkey, but I won’t bore you with the details. Let’s just say it involves and ancient pilgrim curse and flash animation.
The probelm is, all of this is kinda awesome. I would go as far as to say that there are some genuinely funny moments. Sure, the actors aren’t the best, but they understand how to play it all very “wink wink”, without completly tipping the hat. There’s even a Trey Parker-ish musical number. And the turkey…well, all you really need to know is that he kills people, wears disguises, and talks.
Until Eli Roth gets around to actually making Thanksgiving, this is the most fun you’re going to have at Thanksgiving, next to Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, of course. So ditch the boring family this year and check it out. Oh, and ThanksKilling is currently a Watch Instantly on Netflix, which makes it a perfect way to spend those last few hours of Thanksgiving night before you nod off. Your smelly uncle won’t mind.
7 out of 10.