Jan 23 2012

Adam Green Spends the Weekend Sexually Teasing Logan

Yeah, I made up the “sexually” part up, but it got you reading this, so why stop now?

Many of you long time readers may recall me practically begging Adam Green to make several sequels to his throwback horror film Hatchet.  Then he went and made Hatchet II and I mostly complained.  It wasn’t flat-out terrible, but I think it’s now safe to say that it was overall disappointing. 

Then, in an obvious bid to keep me in his good graces, Green made what may end up being one of my favorite films of 2011, Chillerama.  His segment in Chillerama, entitled The Diary of Anne Frankenstein, is one of the funniest spoofs I’ve seen in a very long time, and well worth the price of the DVD.  Not only that, but on the bonus features Green hints at what we were all thinking: Hatchet II was a disappointment. 

Which brings us to this weekend.  Green posted the following picture on his Facebook page late Friday night:

Oh, Adam, you tease, you.  Now all you have to do is get the original Marybeth back and then just tell me where to insert my money.  If you need me I’ll be over there.

Nov 18 2011

Oh man, I know I shouldn’t be excited…


…but holy hell…

Chalk it up to 80’s nostalgia and my unexplainable happiness that Arnold’s making movies again, but…man that looks cool.

[/Film via JoBlo]

Aug 2 2011

Yippee-ki-yay, Motherfucker…Jr.

What's that? You say this isn't a picture of Bruce Willis? Oh. Rumer Willis? What the hell is a Rumer Willis?

Remember how excited you were about Live Free or Die Hard?  The teaser trailer, with it’s rockin’ version of “God Bless America”, made it seem like John McClane was back and as ready to kick some ass as before.  However, things turned sour pretty fast.  Bruce Willis was playing now McClane as “Old Man Bruce Willis”, Justin Long was no Sam Jackson, Kevin Smith showed up for some reason, and finally, the final stab to fans hearts, a PG-13 rating.

Okay, so honestly, it wasn’t that bad.  The R rated cut that later showed up on DVD made it more enjoyable, but let’s not kid ourselves: It mostly fell into the “Unnecessary Sequel” category.  But that was that.  I’ve moved on and so has Bruce’s career (kinda). 

But wait!  Hollywood has more to say!  The internet is abuzz with talk of Die Hard 5, and it looks like we’re finally getting plot details.  So what’s it all about?  Well…do you remember John McClane, Jr.?  You know, Bruce’s son that we saw for maybe fifteen seconds in the first film and was later mentioned in passing in Live Free or Die Hard?  Yeah, he’s taking over the series.  You read that right.  The plot of Die Hard 5 will feature John and John Jr. both having a pretty rough day.  Oh, and in Russia for some reason.

I can only assume that the studio is currently shopping for such fine modern thespians as Channing Tatum, Paul Walker, Justin Long, James Franco, or (dare I say it), Seth Rogan.  That’s right, I went there.  Who knows?  Maybe they’ll even go younger to pull in the tween crowd.  I hear Justin Bieber is looking to break into movies.  “Yippie-ki-yay, featherplucker”, anyone?

I’ll keep an eye on this for you all.  Until then, I’m going to go calm down by watching Die Hard with a Vengeance.  Now that’s a Die Hard movie.

Jul 1 2011

Mission? Impossibly awesome

Yeah yeah.  I don’t want to ram yet another cheesy or fun or super cool trailer down your throats again today, but there’s been a bunch popping up this week.  Maybe it’s just me, but so far it seems like this year’s best summer films are coming out this fall/winter. 

Example?  The giddy thrill I got when I first saw the trailer for this December release:

Jun 30 2011

Rowan Atkinson Reborn

It’s been a while since Rowan Atkinson last lit up my local cineplex.  Since another Mr. Bean is still out of the question (Atkinson said in several interviews that 2007’s Mr. Bean’s Holiday was the final send-off of the character), it looks like we’re going to have to settle with Johnny English Reborn.  Sure, the first one was just so-so and performed as such in America, but you have to remember that it was a huge hit on it’s native UK where Rowan is still a box office draw.

Jun 3 2011

Robert Rodriguez Continues Spiral into Mediocrity

Ya know, Robert Rodriguez, when you made only one film exclusively for your kids, I was mostly able to ignore it.  Six films, however, is a different story.  I mean, the hell?  How do you keep getting funding for this shit?  Besides, aren’t your kids in college now?  Shouldn’t you be making an all Mexican cast, 3D version of Animal House for them or something?

Anyway, let’s take a look at (gag) Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, shall we? (throws up)

Talking dogs, Jessica Alba, and the use of fucking “4D”?  What is that exactly, Rodriguez?  Are you going to pay ushers to come into the theater and throw fake dog poo in my face?  While you’re at it, why not pay them to apologize for your carrer post-Desperado?

And while I’m complaining, what’s up with your career, Joel McHale?  Community has proven that you can act, so why are you skipping to the end of Chevy Chase’s career by jumping into family films that require no acting ability?

Ok.  I’m done.  Sorry.

Jun 2 2011

Sam Neill to Jurassic Park 4: “Eat a Bowl of Suck!”

Now that director Joe Johnston has started making the press rounds for Captain America, it was only a matter of time before some reporter (Logan in a disguise, perhaps?) inquired about Jurassic Park 4.  Always a sport, Johnston had the following to say:

“…it likely won’t be another storyline about a group of people struggling to survive a dinosaur attack…why would anybody go back to that island? It was hard enough to figure out the second and third reason for them to go, but it would take it off in a whole other trilogy basically, but when it gets to that level it’s sort of about studios and Steven [Spielberg’s] thing and who knows. I think we are at that point where we are due for another one if we are going to do it.”

Obviously, they already have my money.  I’d be interested to see what new direction they would take the series.  As for my other Jurassic Park BFF, Sam Neill?  Not so much.

“I think we’ve told the story. I think it’s done.”

“I’ll tell you what. If Michael Crichton time travels, [and] writes the book…then absolutely.”

Fair enough, Sam, although knowing Michael Crichton, there is a chance he may have found a way to do that before his death.  Whatever the case, I’ll miss you.  I kind of figured you needed the work.

Chevy Chase shares his thoughts on "Happy Town" with old pal Sam Neill.

via Scifi Mafia

May 31 2011

New Twilight Film to Feature More Wind, Less Actors

Hey, long time Critical End! fans!  Remember us complaining about this godawful poster last year?

Click on the poster for a link to the retro CE! article!

Wow.  Looking at that again, I still can’t figure out why the two sides of Kristen Stewart’s face just can’t get along.  Anyway, It seems that Summit Entertainment learned their lesson last time about badly cropped posters, as they’ve taken an entirely new approach with the upcoming Breaking Dawn: Part One teaser poster.  That approach?  Laziness


May 3 2011

Finally! Hobbit News to (Kinda) Care About!

Yes, this is the least gayest picture I could find of Lee Pace.

Despite two cult shows, Lee Pace has managed to stay under the radar for quite a while now.  It’s not hard to see why.  Sure, I loved him in Wonderfalls and Pushing Daisies, but his film career has been lackluster and completely void of the charm he brought to those shows.   I’m looking at you, Possession, Marmaduke, and The Resident.

But 2011 looked to be a big year for our old pal Lee.  He managed to score a role in (ugh) the final two Twilight films.  And Sunday came the news that Peter Jackson has cast him in the long delayed upcoming Hobbit films.  This works, as not only does Lee already look somewhat like an elf (and indeed as he was cast an elf king or something equally nerdy), but maybe this will lead to more lucrative roles for him besides “Lead female’s boyfriend who dies in the third act”.

Time will tell.  God speed, li’l Lee! 

via Empire

Apr 20 2011

Critical End! (The Podcast) #90: The voice of a sexy generation


REVIEWED: Scream 4. That’s…kind of it. We actually stay on topic the whole show!

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Apr 18 2011

Critical End! (The Podcast) #89: Matthew Lillard’s a Goddamn Maniac


REVIEWED: Scream 1, Scream 2, Scream 3. What’s our favorite scary movie? Not Scary Movie, that’s for damned sure. PLUS: Wild speculation on Scream 4.

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Apr 8 2011

And now, news from the late ’90’s

Yes, Keanu, God CLEARLY gave rock and roll to you

I recall high school Logan and Ryan getting very excited to hear that a script was in the works for a third Bill and Ted movie.  This is only one of several reasons why we never got dates to the prom.  However, years go by and people change.  We got sexier and richer while all of our cool, good looking high school chums got ugly, poor, and drafted.  According to Facebook, I see that most of the girls who turned us down for prom are now turning tricks on the south side of Detroit.  Take that, you ho-bags. What was I writing about today?  Oh yeah.  It seems that Bill and Ted 3 is a thing again.  MTV news was interviewing Keanu Reeves about his new beard or something, and he said the following:

“When we last got together, part of it was that Bill and Ted were supposed to have written the song that saved the world, and it hasn’t happened. So they’ve now become kind of possessed by trying to do that. Then there’s an element of time and they have to go back.”

Does this mean we’ll finally get the end to a trilogy nobody asked for?  And is it weird that the prom queen turned hooker on the south side of Detroit still turns me down?  I’m sure all of these questions will be answered in the near future.  Until then, have a great weekend!

Feb 10 2011

TRON: Legacy’s Legacy

It’s no secret that we really dug Disney’s TRON: Legacy. Sure, it didn’t make either of our top films of 2010 lists, but it was definitely one of last year’s highlights.

Which brings us to the DVD/Blu-ray release…or I should say, the DVD/Blu-ray/Digital/Blu-ray 3D/DVD+Blu-Ray/DVD+Blu-ray+Digital/DVD+Blu-ray+Digital+Blu-ray 3D/DVD+Blu-ray+TRON release.  That’s right, Disney, known for overkill releasing style, plans to drop a staggering nine versions of TRON: Legacy on home video, two of which will feature a bare bones version of the original TRON.  The only thing missing is a laser disc version.

While I’m all about variety, this is mostly ridiculous.  It would be one thing if you were getting something different on each disc, but how many formats do you really need the same film on?

Although I will admit that this is kinda awesome…

More info on each version over at IGN.

Dec 30 2010

Pixar to Trick Me Into Seeing Cars 2

Yuks wanted.

You know how every Pixar film in theaters opens with a nifty little short?  I’ve always thought of it as a great throwback to film going days of old, while also enjoying the little extra bit of Pixar I’m getting for my buck.  I especially enjoyed Day & Night, the short before Toy Story 3, although the teenagers in front of me seemed to be wondering if they were in the wrong theater.

Pixar tweets are beginning to flow like crazy now that we’re getting closer to (collective moan) Cars 2, and they all seem to hint towards the same thing: The film will open with the first of several Toy Story character epilogue shorts.  While this seems like a fun thought at first (and a great way to trick people like me into seeing Cars 2), I hope that this doesn’t cheapen what I thought was a great ending to a very fun trilogy.  Then again, this is Pixar, and I’m sure they’ll bring us nothing but the finest.  Like Cars 2, for example.

The first short is called Hawaii, and will feature Barbie and Ken.  As long as they bring back favs Michael Keaton and Jodi Benson, I’m sure it’ll be awesome.

via CHUD

Dec 29 2010

Critical End! (The Podcast) #76: The Worst Zookeeper Ever


Bring in the logic probe! REVIEWED: Tron, Tron: Legacy.

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