The fun starts later tonight, folks. Stay tuned to this post.

REVIEWED: The Woman in Black. …is dancing with me…cheek to cheek. PLUS: Ryan’s pelvis.

"No words? Screw The Artist."

This Sunday (4PT/7ET on ABC) grand dame of awards shows Billy Crystal returns to the small screen to make us feel like maybe we care about the Oscars still. And it must be working already, because Logan and I are on board for another year of live bloggin’ fun.

How does it work you ask? Don’t worry, you big dumb idiot. It’s easy. When you sit down to watch the awards, make sure you’ve got your laptop (or mobile device!) tuned to this site where you’ll find running commentary by me and Logan for the entirety of the broadcast. Check out the snazzy replays of our 2011, 2010,or 2009 events to get the idea.

Don’t have someone to enjoy the show with? Join us and post your comments! Do have someone to enjoy the show with? Ignore them and hang out with us instead.

But what of Rupert Grint?  I remember back in the day discussing the future of his career with Ryan.  We both guessed that he would go on to be an enjoyable comedic actor of limited range.  However, Harry Potter has now come to an end, and Rupert has yet to have any crazy tabloid moments, let alone that major “I’m a real actor now” moment.  

Well, Rupert, I just thought I’d let you know that all of your pals at Critical End! are waiting.  We know your big moment is coming, it’s just a matter of time.  Sure, some people say that you don’t have a career because, well, you’re kinda ugly.  But us?  We say, sure, that’s actually true.  But some girls dig pale, red-headed, freckled love machines like yourself.  So, chin up, Rupert!

Listen, I think my old college pal Parry Gripp said it best:

via Parry Gripp

"Just kiddin' folks! Zip ziparooooo!"

But whether it’s true or not, it’s got everybody in an uproar, with some bloggers and commenters going so far as to say that Bill Murray was the only good thing about the film. Now I love(d) Bill Murray. He is a fantastically talented dude who gave us some of the funniest performances in film history. Hasn’t done much for me lately, but whatever. He’s brilliant, and he’s definitely a huge asset to Ghostbusters. But, c’mon people, turn away from your Wes Anderson love shrine for a second. Time for a reality check. Let me remind you of 3 Great Things About Ghostbusters That Have Nothing to Do with Bill Murray:

#3. It’s Got a Damn Good Script
Yes, Bill Murray absolutely improvised extra lines during filming, and the ones that made the final cut are hysterical. But over the years, it’s become popular to believe that Murray just strolled onto the set and said whatever dialog came into his head. Heck, he probably wrote most of the other characters’ lines too, right before inventing modern comedy, then ascending to the heavens on a rocket-cloud made of laughter.

"Guys, in this scene I'm thinkin' we bust ghosts. Cuz it makes me feel good."

Actually, 90% of what you see onscreen can be found right here. That’s the shooting script, and it took several revisions by Aykroyd and Harold Ramis to turn a really basic idea into the tight, funny movie we know and love. And it’s not only funny. Ghostbusters is tense, full of action, and–at times–scary as shit. It’s just a great movie, plain and simple. Bill Murray made it measurably better, but it would have been great even without him.

#2. It’s Fun to Watch
I don’t just mean the effects are good, though they are. I mean it’s well-paced and visually interesting. Take out the funny dialog and you’d still have a decent action/adventure flick with some excellent set pieces.

Our heroes use neat weapons, trash every room they enter, get covered in slime, and drive a pimped out hearse. All while the coolest theme song in movie history plays in the background. Ghostbusters has some truly imaginative action scenes. The thing ends with a battle for all of New York City against a demon and a giant monster from hell (the latter conjured from the mind of one of our heroes) and they end up beating it at the last second with experimental science. Then one of them kisses a girl and they ride into the sunset as the entire city cheers. And those are just the parts of the movie that people DON’T EVEN TALK ABOUT because they’re too busy buying t-shirts that say “Back off man, I’m a scientist”, which, incidentally, is a line that was in the script.

#1 It’s Got a Great Cast That Isn’t Bill Murray
Again, Bill Murray is great. But so is literally everyone else in this movie and they don’t get half the credit he does. You’ve got Aykroyd rattling off paragraphs of rapid-fire psuedo-science with the enthusiasm of a five-year-old, Ramis doing some of the most underrated deadpan comedy in cinema, and of course Rick Moranis who is…just…

…perfect.

So, one last time: Bill Murray is great. I’m talking really really super extra great times infinity levels of greatness. But Ghostbusters is an awesome movie in its own right. He’s the icing, not the cake. Let’s all stop playing into this idea that the man is a hipster god who can do no wrong, and give some credit where credit’s due.

I can hear you now:  “How dare he!  Just who does he think he is?!  A big jerk, that’s who I think he is!  Logan Lee?  Sounds like a jerk name to me, the lame jerky jerk pants!”

Are you done?  Good.  Because, truth be told, you know I’m right.  I had friends who were cracking Michael Jackson jokes with the best of them one day, then praising him for everything short of inventing Eggies the next.  How did this guy go from being that weird, used-to-be-black-but-I-swear-I-just-turned-this-shade-of-white-pedaphile one day, to being somebody that never did any wrong the next?  Listen, I’m all for remembering Jackson fondly, but let’s not forget that he was fucking crazy.

Which is why I’m kicking off my official remembrance of Whitney (or as I like to call it: “RIP Whitney Houston: Memories of a Fucking Crazy Broad”), with the one thing that I thought of as soon as I heard about her untimely death.

Goodbye, Whitney.  May you live on forever in the YouTube clips of our hearts.

Midnight in Paris and The Artist? When the hell did we get so classy? Anywho, remember you can check our respective IMDb pages (Logan here and Ryan here) year round if you want to see what we gave a particular film. But here, for your reference, is each of our complete ratings for 2011.  And below that, our respective best and worst lists.

To hear us chat about this year in movies, make sure to catch our 2011 Wrap-Up podcast.

All ratings are on a 10 point scale.

LOGAN’S LIST

Johnny English Reborn – 8
Midnight in Paris – 8
Super 8 – 8
Chillerama – 7
Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol – 7
The Adventures of Tintin – 7
Contagion – 7
Rise of the Planet of the Apes – 7
Limitless – 7
The Greatest Movie Ever Sold – 7
Apollo 18 – 6
Blitz – 6
Conan the Barbarian – 6
Captain America: The First Avenger – 6
X-Men: First Class – 6
Hanna – 6
The Beaver – 6
Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop – 6
Hall Pass – 6
Our Idiot Brother – 6
The Resident – 6
Kill the Irishman – 6
The Muppets – 5
30:Minutes or Less – 5
Cowboys & Aliens – 5
Lucky – 5
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 – 5
Horrible Bosses – 5
Larry Crowne – 5
Priest – 5
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – 5
Scream 4 – 5
Sucker Punch – 5
Paul – 5
Source Code – 5
Battle Los Angeles – 5
Red Riding Hood – 5
Take Me Home Tonight – 5
Drive Angry – 5
I Am Number Four – 5
Unknown – 5
Rango – 5
Husk – 5
The Green Hornet – 5
Faces in the Crowd – 4
Abduction – 4
Colombiana – 4
The Caller – 4
The Change-Up – 4
Mr. Popper’s Penguins – 4
Green Lantern – 4
Something Borrowed – 4
Thor – 4
The Task – 4
Seconds Apart – 4
The Mechanic – 4
Hobo with a Shotgun – 4
New Year’s Eve – 3
Shark Night 3D – 3
Fright Night – 3
Your Highness – 3
Mars Needs Moms – 3
The Adjustment Bureau – 3
Beastly – 3
Attack the Block – 3
51 – 3
National Lampoon’s Dirty Movie – 3
The Roommate – 3
The Rite – 3
Season of the Witch – 3
Not Another Not Another Movie – 3

RYAN’S LIST

The Artist – 9
50/50 – 8
Fright Night – 8
Captain America: The First Avenger – 8
X-Men: First Class – 8
Midnight in Paris – 8
The Muppets – 8
The Descendants – 7
Moneyball – 7
Real Steel – 7
Rise of the Planet of the Apes – 7
Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop – 7
Bridesmaids – 7
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 – 7
Super 8 – 7
Thor – 7
Source Code – 7
Drive Angry – 7
Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol – 7
Horrible Bosses – 6
Drive – 6
The Change-Up – 6
The Hangover Part II – 6
Red State – 6
Cowboys & Aliens – 6
Hobo with a Shotgun – 6
Larry Crowne – 6
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – 6
Scream 4 – 6
The Adjustment Bureau – 6
Limitless – 6
The Roommate – 6
Red Riding Hood – 5
The Mechanic – 5
The Rite – 5
Unknown – 5
Margin Call – 4
Green Lantern – 4

We return for our first episode of the year and our fourth annual best/worst show. REVIEWED: The highlights and lowlights of 2011. PLUS: Vampire squabbling.

Speaking of sold out events, we’re also proud to announce our annual “Critical End! Oscar Live Blog 2012!”  Granted, things may be a bit harder this year as the Oscars had to go and finally get a competent host, but seeing that this is our fourth year of doing this thing, I’m sure we’ve got lots of past zingers built up to please both young and old.

Expect to hear more news about both of these things in the upcoming days! 

Oscar host Billy Crystal (with CGI Jack Palance) on the set of "City Slickers 3: Throw Curly From the Train"

Now at first glance, this appears to be a parody of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. But it isn’t. A real parody takes something you recognize and puts a comedic twist on it. Okay yes, traditionally the purpose is to mock the original work which isn’t exactly happening here, and technically maybe this is more a pastiche or whatever. But my point is this is supposed to be funny. You’re supposed to laugh when you see present day Matthew Broderick doing a parody (or whatever) of his role in Ferris Bueller. Only there aren’t any jokes in this.

It’s not bad. It’s a reasonably competent commercial. But every potentially funny moment is just a carbon copy of a moment in Ferris Bueller. The sick day call, the parade, the stuff with the car, all straight up lifted–and this is the important part–WITHOUT any new twist. They could have shown Broderick failing at all his wacky antics, playing on the fact that he’s not a kid anymore but his fancy Honda makes him feel like one anyway. In that scenario, you’re taking something familiar and changing it a little to get your joke. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the original pitch. Instead we get exact scenes from the original movie, and you’re expected to laugh just because you remember it.

I like to call this the Family Guy Maneuver because that show does it all the time. Let’s check out an example in high quality taped-off-TV-o-vision…

So yeah it’s an exact recreation of the Power of Love part of Back to the Future…and nothing else. This is basically the same as the drunk guy in the bar trying to reenact the standup routine he saw last week. Listen, I love parodies. But before you laugh, please double check your parody contains jokes.

Funny stuff, right?  And that joke about the leper boat?  Gets me every time.  But you know who’s not laughing?

Lepers.

That’s right.  Pirates animation company Aardman is altering that scene in their upcoming film due to objections from leprosy groups.  My first reaction to this was “Lepers still exist…and they have groups?”  My second reaction was to seriously start thinking about which of my friends may be lepers (I’m looking at you, Deb).  My final reaction, and the most important one, was “THE FUCKING HELL?!”

Have we really become so politically correct that we now have to worry about offending lepers?  If it’s gotten to the point that we can’t even make fun of the damn lepers, than who are we allowed to make fun of? 

Well, I’m putting a stop to this right now.  You know what?  Fuck you, lepers.  I’d say that I wish you’d contact some hideous disease and die, but you’re already a goddamn leper.  At least stop complaining about children’s films long enough so you can hear me laughing at you.

Crispin Glover. If you’re not familiar with the man’s work, let me remind you that you are:

Even if you’ve only seen Back to the Future, you get the sense that that is one weird dude. Let’s take a look at some of his other work. There’s this…

And this…

And finally, lest you think he only plays creepy lunatics in the movies, here’s what he does when you put him on a talk show:

With this in mind, you can imagine my elation when I discovered that the man had a mailing list. Yes, you can sign up to get periodic emails from Crispin Glover. All you have to do is find his freakishly stark and terrifying website. A website that consistently refers to him as “Crispin Hellion Glover”, which just serves to underscore the weirdness, even though that is apparently his real full name.  Needless to say, I signed up immediately. And after three years of membership, I think I’ve earned the right to voice a complaint:

“Crispin Hellion Glover, how is your mailing list not weirder?”

Seriously, I joined expecting long paranoid screeds about the forest people that steal Crispin Glover’s mail, or detailed graphs showing which parts of his kitchen secretly resent him. Instead, it’s just some publicity blurbs about his pet project movie series and a boring list of tour dates. Don’t get me wrong, the movies themselves sound BATSHIT INSANE. I’d go see them, but I’m afraid they’d hypnotize me and turn me into one of his rat slaves.

In fact, comparing the email I got this week to one from 2008…this is the EXACT same text with only the tour dates updated! Come on, Crispin Hellion Glover! I paid (nothing) for your unique brand of unsettling behavior and I expect a return on my investment.

Either the next email’s written in the menstrual blood of an endangered African rhino, or I’m unsubscribing.

Many of you long time readers may recall me practically begging Adam Green to make several sequels to his throwback horror film Hatchet.  Then he went and made Hatchet II and I mostly complained.  It wasn’t flat-out terrible, but I think it’s now safe to say that it was overall disappointing. 

Then, in an obvious bid to keep me in his good graces, Green made what may end up being one of my favorite films of 2011, Chillerama.  His segment in Chillerama, entitled The Diary of Anne Frankenstein, is one of the funniest spoofs I’ve seen in a very long time, and well worth the price of the DVD.  Not only that, but on the bonus features Green hints at what we were all thinking: Hatchet II was a disappointment. 

Which brings us to this weekend.  Green posted the following picture on his Facebook page late Friday night:

Oh, Adam, you tease, you.  Now all you have to do is get the original Marybeth back and then just tell me where to insert my money.  If you need me I’ll be over there.

This happens more often than you’d think, but I’ve noticed it’s often a recipe for a disjointed film. District 9 is another recent example. I loved a lot of that movie too, but again, the end was a letdown. And looking back, a lot of the beginning feels like filler padding out a much shorter story.

I’m not saying it’s impossible to make a successful short-to-feature transition, but I do think it’s a little counter-intuitive to the creative process. If you can tell your story perfectly in 20 minutes, it seems artificial to throw in more scenes just to beef up the runtime.

Gentlemen:
Loved episode 100 of your podcast.  However, why didn’t you review my suggestion of every known atom in the universe?  Please advise.
Matthew Dodds

Gentelmen:
Thank you for your kind words about my latest film Father Issues, Static Shots, and Bill Murray.  I especally enjoyed your praise of Owen Wilson’s new haircut.  Hope you’re already looking forward to my next film, Animated Father Issues, Static Shots, and Bill Murray.
Wes Anderson

Gentlemen:
What was with all the talk a few months back about Logan rocking the jukebox?  Listen, I know Logan, and while we might not be best friends or anything, I have seen him around plenty of jukeboxes.  I can assure you that there was a complete lack of rocking.  Now Ryan on the other hand!  There’s a guy who knows how to rock a jukebox or two!
Sandy Miller 

Gentlemen:
I’m getting really sick of all those internet blog rumors about me being gay.  Grow up, bloggers!  Unrelated: If John Woo ever offers to blow you in return for the rights to a Mission: Impossible sequel, just say no.  Besides, J.J. Abrams gives much better head anyway.
Tom Cruise

Gentlemen:
I’m listening to some of your old podcasts and just realized that you guys paid money to see He’s Just Not That Into You in theaters.  Fags.
David Shipler

Gentlemen:
Why is it that everybody wants to know about Ghostbusters 3 but nobody ever asks me about Nothing but Trouble 2?  For the curious, the script is ready and now it’s just a matter of getting Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, and the ghosts of John Candy and Tupac Shakur to sign on.
Dan Aykroyd

Gentlemen:
I must say that I’d like your website a lot more if you got rid of Ryan and replaced him with a pretty, free spirited, blonde coed with big boobs.
Logan Lee

Gentlemen:
Since the only thing I’ve ever done that anybody liked was apologizing for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I’d like to take this opportunity to also apologize for the following: Everything I’ve ever done except season 2 of Even Stevens.  Friends again?
Shia LaBeouf

Gentlemen:
Reading your post from Monday, Janurary 9th.  This slush pile shit is cracking me up!  Just thought I’d drop you a quick letter to let you know how much I love the new feature.  Keep the yuks coming!  Fags. 
David Shipler

Obviously, Hollywood’s been chewing on this topic too, as evidenced by the gimmicks they’ve been pulling out to get people into the theaters. 3D’s been the big one, and as Logan and I have said before, it’s not doing it for me. I like gimmicky 3D like in Piranha or My Bloody Valentine. There it’s fun. But in most other cases it feels tacked on and unnecessary. Theater chains have also tried offering big cushy seats for premium prices. But you know what? I’ve got a whole couch at home, and it doesn’t cost me 10 bucks extra to sit on it.

Which brings us to IMAX. “Okay,” Hollywood implores us, “you may think movies are just as good at home, but does your home have a 70 FOOT SCREEN?!?!” “No,” I reply, speaking for all of us, “no it does not, that would be ridiculous.” But I do have a reasonably large TV. And I’ve got friends with even bigger TVs. TVs that take up entire walls of their homes. And I’ve noticed that the universal truth about the size of a screen is this: after about 10 minutes you stop noticing it.

Yes, Mission Impossible looked great in IMAX. And there were times when I felt more immersed and part of the action. Brad Bird used that space wisely. But because I’m crazy, I also went to see Mission Impossible in a regular theater. And let me remind you folks, a regular movie screen is still pretty damn big. The difference made by IMAX isn’t worth the higher ticket price. And I argue that seeing the movie at home would have been equally enjoyable.

So 3D, fancy seats, IMAX, none of these are motivating me to leave the house. But a couple days ago I had another experience. An old theater was showing Vertigo and I got to see a Hitchcock film in theaters for the first time. I loved it. Not because I love the movie Vertigo. It’s pretty good, but it’s not a goto of mine. In fact the print was kind of muddy and the sound wasn’t great. What I loved was just being in a theater filled with people who wanted to watch Vertigo. It’s that community kind of feel that I so rarely get with new movies. I love laughing along with an audience at a great comedy, or hearing screams in a horror movie. That’s the heart of the theater experience for me. Sharing a movie with other people.

Maybe as movie theaters become marginalized and your TV becomes the default spot for new movies, then the only people who bother to go to the theaters will be people who feel like I do. And if that’s the case, as Logan has theorized before, theaters will be forced to cater to those people like the Alamo Drafthouse does: by taking a hard stance against talking and texting and bringing the love of enjoying a movie with others back to the movie theater.

Or they could just make everything holograms. I’d go to that.

Speaking of which, we’re back!  That’s right, and all of your favorite CE! contributors are here!  There’s me.  You remember me, right?  I mostly post about Chevy Chase and complain about how remakes are dumb and so are today’s teens.  What with their Facebooks, Rock ‘n’ Roll High Schools, and Crispin Glover fan clubs.  I plan to complain about all of this and more every Monday. 

And then there’s Ryan as well.  I’d venture to say that he’s more in touch with what’s “hip” and “happening” and even go as far as to say that he’s got his “finger on the pulse of America’s youth”, which he’s still facing some jail time for in several states.  You’ll hear from him every Wednesday.

Finally, we have the original CE! Podcast, which you’ll be able to catch every so often on Fridays.  Can you believe that li’l stinker is 100 episodes old?  Talk about something that should have died around episode 15!  Am I right or am I right?

So there’s your sneak peak at what you have to look forward to this year at Critical End!  Pretty neat stuff, right?  Now, without further ado, let’s get the old ball rolling with today’s news!  That’s right, it’s the first news we’re reporting of 2012 and it’s coming up right now!  Look out!  Here it comes!  Take it away, Logan!

There is no news today.

AAAAAH!!! HANUKKAH DEATH COPTOR!

The winter wind is blowing, the air is filled with carols, and I’ve lost feeling in most of my tongue thanks to a nasty burn inflicted by my third peppermint patty. It must be Christmas Eve. And as I type this blog post from the drafty vacated offices of Critical End! (the cleaning staff, new media team, and senior management having all taken holiday leave), I can’t help but think back to the successes we’ve had this year, and the plans we have for 2012.

For me, the standout moment was this year’s Oscar live blog. You guys came out in droves and served up some seriously funny comments. My heart grew three sizes that night. A close second would be finally birthing our 100th episode of the podcast. I still can’t believe Logan and I have managed to finish 100 of anything, and again, we couldn’t have done it without you. It’s been a pretty great year.

And 2012′s gonna keep that tradition going. However, Logan and I are also going to be spending some time on some new non-CE! projects this year. Don’t worry, you’ll hear about those when they’re ready. To accommodate this, we’re slimming down the weekly schedule around here. Starting January, new blog posts will go up Mondays and Wednesdays. That’s fewer posts, but we’re hoping it’ll give us time to do the more in-depth article style stuff we’ve been wanting to focus on.

We’ll still be podcasting, but less regularly and maybe not always about new movies. We’ve considered opening up the format a little and this seemed like a good excuse. Plus we’ve done 100 of these things, so we can do whatever we want now right? There’s no set schedule, but when we’ve got a new episode you’ll see it go up on a Friday. We’ll be back in your ears early next year with our 2011 wrap-up show.

So Merry Xmas Eve! Or whatever you’re into! And we’ll see you in the new year with more fun. Until then, I leave you with the best trailer for anything ever. Stick with it til the end…

Until then, why not go ahead and crack open that case of Stroh’s you’re saving for that post-Thanksgiving football game and check out CritEnd horror/comedy fav ThanksKilling.  Now newly available on DVD!

Happy Thanksgiving, gang!

Chalk it up to 80′s nostalgia and my unexplainable happiness that Arnold’s making movies again, but…man that looks cool.

[/Film via JoBlo]

Description. REVIEWED: All of your requests! PLUS: It’s long.

This has nothing to do with anything, except that I found it while searching for "late".

It’s coming, folks! Just running a little late. But rest assured, we are not dead. Except Logan. He died.

[via /Film]

Hi! I'm Christina Ricci and this picture may or may not have something to do with this post. You'll have to read it to find out, you hunk of man cheese, you!

Sorry folks, it’s not the very talented Ms. Ricci.  Nor is it that guy with the website that photoshops Ryan’s head on to Christina Ricci’s body…although I tend to find myself returning to his site on many a lonely night.

I’m actually talking about Gabriel Ruzin over at Shadowlocked who has written an excellent article comparing recent Chevy Chase comments on Vacation and Fletch reboots to Bill Murray’s assholeness.  Obviously, I couldn’t agree more.

Check it out.   

It was so cold!

Happy birthday, Sean!

So yeah, he pisses fire now. I have to say if there was any Marvel character who I’d want to see piss fire, it’d be Ghost Rider. So…yeah, okay I’m in.

[/Film]

[Screened]

[Badass Digest]

REVIEWED: Cowboys & Aliens. You know what this was movie was missing? SPACE TUCO.

Yup. Just about. Let’s hope that this trailer, which mostly consists of poop jokes, isn’t any indication of what the movie is really like. I was so hoping to be excited about this.

REVIEWED: Captain America: The First Avenger. This episode ain’t kissing ya. PLUS: We talk about some POSITIVE theater experiences!

What's that? You say this isn't a picture of Bruce Willis? Oh. Rumer Willis? What the hell is a Rumer Willis?

Remember how excited you were about Live Free or Die Hard?  The teaser trailer, with it’s rockin’ version of “God Bless America”, made it seem like John McClane was back and as ready to kick some ass as before.  However, things turned sour pretty fast.  Bruce Willis was playing now McClane as “Old Man Bruce Willis”, Justin Long was no Sam Jackson, Kevin Smith showed up for some reason, and finally, the final stab to fans hearts, a PG-13 rating.

Okay, so honestly, it wasn’t that bad.  The R rated cut that later showed up on DVD made it more enjoyable, but let’s not kid ourselves: It mostly fell into the “Unnecessary Sequel” category.  But that was that.  I’ve moved on and so has Bruce’s career (kinda). 

But wait!  Hollywood has more to say!  The internet is abuzz with talk of Die Hard 5, and it looks like we’re finally getting plot details.  So what’s it all about?  Well…do you remember John McClane, Jr.?  You know, Bruce’s son that we saw for maybe fifteen seconds in the first film and was later mentioned in passing in Live Free or Die Hard?  Yeah, he’s taking over the series.  You read that right.  The plot of Die Hard 5 will feature John and John Jr. both having a pretty rough day.  Oh, and in Russia for some reason.

I can only assume that the studio is currently shopping for such fine modern thespians as Channing Tatum, Paul Walker, Justin Long, James Franco, or (dare I say it), Seth Rogan.  That’s right, I went there.  Who knows?  Maybe they’ll even go younger to pull in the tween crowd.  I hear Justin Bieber is looking to break into movies.  “Yippie-ki-yay, featherplucker”, anyone?

I’ll keep an eye on this for you all.  Until then, I’m going to go calm down by watching Die Hard with a Vengeance.  Now that’s a Die Hard movie.

REVIEWED: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. Well, I guess we’re all going to get into Game of Thrones now? PLUS: There’s still time to contribute to our 100th episode.

All kidding aside: That show I just pitched needs to happen. Joe, if you’re reading this, call me. I work cheap.

When I’m finally holding this in my sweaty, Ben Savage-lovin’ hands, this will mean that over a decade of waiting has come to an end.  Whatever will I do with myself now?

Until then, I bet you saw that trailer Logan posted yesterday and thought “Gee, I wonder what deceased Oscar-winning actor George C. Scott would have thought of this?” Well, wonder no more:

[Badass Digest]

I fully expect this to be the biggest hit of the upcoming holiday season.

REVIEWED: Larry Crowne. Why won’t a sassy black girl decorate my apartment? PLUS: Drunk Harry Potter and original Schlitz!

CHUD is telling me that Universal Studios has begun early planning for, you guessed it, another remake of The Wolfman, this time simply titled Werewolf.  How imaginative.  Add an exclamation mark to that title and you suddenly have a musical version, which I might get excited about. 

Anyway, CHUD goes on to speculate that this remake is most likely going to be set in modern day, which completely throws out all of the cool gothic style that both the original and the 2010 version worked with so well.  I also imagine that this version will be in mind-shattering 3D, which means almost completely CG effects should be expected.

Then again, maybe we’re all wrong about this thing and what Universal is actually doing is finally getting around to that Wolfman Jack biopic.

I couldn't resist the urge to use this picture.

[Badass Digest]

Example?  The giddy thrill I got when I first saw the trailer for this December release:

Cue Killer Elite:

Side note: Yes, I saw this trailer in front of Mr. Popper’s Penguins this weekend.  Somebody got fired, I assure you.

[/Film]

'nuff said.

A Retrospective of Woody Allen Surrogates from FilmDrunkDotCom on Vimeo.

REVIEWED: Super 8. Insert joke about smoke monster here. PLUS: Please turn down your lung machine when the previews end.

Where to start?  It appears that the studio had well over four hundred production photos and they wanted to use every fucking one of them.  Besides the goofy hair, the only thing of even remote interest on this poster is a sword fight with fire on the bottom right.  Heck, they could have at least given Milla a bust line or something.

What WAS up, anyway?

Looks like Warner Bros. plans to make some more of those CG shorts to show before their movies. While I take issue with the fact that they’re only playing in front of kids’ flicks instead of the more general films they played with in the Tunes’ heyday, I think this is pretty cool idea.

What’s doubly interesting, though, is that the shorts will take advantage of some old recordings of cartoon legend Mel Blanc to bring his voice back to some of the characters he originated. I’m on board, depending on how it’s handled. If we’re talking about a full-on Blanc performance cobbled together from songs and lines he recorded in the past, that’s great. But if it’s anything like that creepy hologram of Bob Hope from this year’s Oscars, where they used a sound-a-like to grab lines they didn’t have, I’m a lot less enthused.

Either way though, the man is an often unsung entertainment giant, and it’ll be great to see his name on the big screen where it belongs.

[via /Film]

[/Film]

That being said, this trailer really blew me away:

Watching it on a computer monitor really doesn’t do it justice.  In a dark theater with booming speakers, it comes across as a full on assault on the senses.  Yes, I understand that it’s nothing more than a glorified music video of sorts, but I love it when studios realize that the trailer to a film can be so much more than just clips of Adam Sandler getting smacked in the crotch set to bad voice-over.  The upcoming Muppets film did it a few weeks back with their first teaser, and now this.  Keep it up, Hollywood.

REVIEWED: X-Men: First Class. Maybe pause your aging process at She’s Having a Baby Kevin Bacon. PLUS: We’re planning the 100th episode and we need your help!

“Wait, what?”
If you don’t know, Critical End! is a show where we review movies and occasionally television shows. We’ve been doing it for awhile now and within the next month or so we’ll be releasing our 100th episode. We know. It’s a pretty big deal.  But we need your help to make it happen!

“What kind of help?” you ask incredulously…
It’s easy. For our 100th show we’re going to change it up a bit and review things that are NOT movies or TV shows, and we’d love it if all the things we review were suggested by you. Got a book you think we’d like? We’ll review it.  Want our take on your baby? She’s ugly; we’ll do 10 minutes on that at least. Wondering what we think of the abstract concept of “ennui”?  We’ll teach Logan to pronounce it and get back to you. As long as your suggestion is not a movie or TV show, we’ll add it to the pile and do our level best to cover it on the 100th episode.

“I don’t have any good suggestions, really…”
We will also accept terrible suggestions.

“Sounds great! Where do I sign?”
Just comment on this post with your suggestion(s), or use our contact form, or get in touch with Logan or Ryan in whatever other way you choose. Just keep in mind that if your suggestion is something that would take awhile to review or involve us going somewhere or making any kind of advance arrangements, you’ll have to let us know soon so we’ll have some lead time.

Thanks for your help! And thanks for listening to Critical End!  (If you don’t listen to Critical End! please disregard this thanks.)

Anyway, let’s take a look at (gag) Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, shall we? (throws up)

Talking dogs, Jessica Alba, and the use of fucking “4D”?  What is that exactly, Rodriguez?  Are you going to pay ushers to come into the theater and throw fake dog poo in my face?  While you’re at it, why not pay them to apologize for your carrer post-Desperado?

And while I’m complaining, what’s up with your career, Joel McHale?  Community has proven that you can act, so why are you skipping to the end of Chevy Chase’s career by jumping into family films that require no acting ability?

Ok.  I’m done.  Sorry.

“…it likely won’t be another storyline about a group of people struggling to survive a dinosaur attack…why would anybody go back to that island? It was hard enough to figure out the second and third reason for them to go, but it would take it off in a whole other trilogy basically, but when it gets to that level it’s sort of about studios and Steven [Spielberg's] thing and who knows. I think we are at that point where we are due for another one if we are going to do it.”

Obviously, they already have my money.  I’d be interested to see what new direction they would take the series.  As for my other Jurassic Park BFF, Sam Neill?  Not so much.

“I think we’ve told the story. I think it’s done.”

“I’ll tell you what. If Michael Crichton time travels, [and] writes the book…then absolutely.”

Fair enough, Sam, although knowing Michael Crichton, there is a chance he may have found a way to do that before his death.  Whatever the case, I’ll miss you.  I kind of figured you needed the work.

Chevy Chase shares his thoughts on "Happy Town" with old pal Sam Neill.

via Scifi Mafia

Click on the poster for a link to the retro CE! article!

Wow.  Looking at that again, I still can’t figure out why the two sides of Kristen Stewart’s face just can’t get along.  Anyway, It seems that Summit Entertainment learned their lesson last time about badly cropped posters, as they’ve taken an entirely new approach with the upcoming Breaking Dawn: Part One teaser poster.  That approach?  Laziness. 

[Via I Watch Stuff]

REVIEWED: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Sorry, but after nine and a half hours of pirate movies, I have no witty comment for this description.

But then I started noticing it during other movies.  Sherlock Holmes, Clash of the Titans, Shutter Island, and this weekend, Pirates if the Caribbean.  Sure, I could see most of the action, but surely not all of these films were meant to look this dark and faded.  I would mention it to others, and often did, but they would suggest I get my eyes checked and start talking about how clear digital projectors have made films.

Guess what?  Turns out I was right.

Theaters are ripping us off and we have digital projectors and 3D films to blame.  Even if you’re seeing a film in 2D.  What am I on about?  Roger Ebert has written a great article that discusses this very problem and how it’s quickly becoming the norm.  Quick: Give it a read.

As usual, I’m glad to be right, however this looks to be a major problem that nobody is going to care to fix.  Ebert recommends that we should complain and get a refund.  He makes a great point, but I can already imagine the reaction I’ll get when I attempt to explain what’s wrong to some pimply faced teenager.

So…anybody else noticing this?

The hijinks of Danny DeVito can't save you now, Arnold.

Damn you, Arnold! I was all excited about your return to film and then you go and retroactively have had an affair, complete with love child. Now the Daily Beast reports that you’re putting your career on hold and that that wonderfully goofy Governator cartoon has been scrapped.  I waited for however-many long years you were in office to get another taste of your unique brand of goofy machismo and just when the prize is in sight you decide it’s time to focus on your multiple families.

Look, obviously the Schwarzeneggers are going through a tough time, and I hope they work it out and get through this.  But in the meantime, wouldn’t it be healthy for Arnold to lose himself in his work a little?  And by his work I mean movies where he’s a violent robot, alien hunter, or undercover spy.

Until then, we’ll have to look elsewhere for over-the-top performances and badly written dialog.  Like, say…video games!

Here’s a random clip of Chevy Chase that you’ve never seen before.  Why?  Because you won’t watch it anyway and I’m on vacation.  So fuck off.

Your friend in Christ,
Logan

UPDATE: Here it is!

In all seriousness, I was thinking nice things about this film until the final scene of the trailer. It’s a great kids book and the updates seem to work, but why oh why must every film with CG animals feature them hip hop dancing?! If this is what CGI was meant for, I no longer want it. Please take it back.

He'll be playing the "half".

Ashton Kutcher is set to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, leading me to once again ask: HOW DID THIS MAN BECOME FAMOUS? Seriously. He was on a middling sitcom for a couple years and a string of terrible movies. At what point did he become an actual celebrity? At any rate, if Ashton can sub in for Charlie Sheen, I’d like to announce that through the use of makeup and CGI, I’ll be joining the cast of The Vampire Diaries as Paul Wesley’s vagina.

In happier news, the soundtrack to The Book of Mormon (the first Broadway musical by the South Park boys) is out and it’s pretty damn good. The influence of Avenue Q composer Robert Lopez is delightfully apparent. You can listen to the whole thing on NPR’s website for some reason. I highly recommend “Hasa Diga Eebowai.”

Geekologie has some awesome summer movie posters that have been put through the LEGO ringer. My favorite is this version of Captain America. The permanent smile and inability to bow one’s head really changes the tone of the thing:

"Hey guys! Avenge, okay?"

Finally, /Film’s got the teaser for the Napoleon Dynamite animated series which proudly boasts the entire original cast! That would be impressive if any of them had something better to do. Man, what happened to Jon Heder, huh? Remember that five seconds we thought he’d be famous? Then he did that Reese Witherspoon movie where everyone was a ghost or something… Yeah. Anyway, check out the third-rate, watered down King of the Hill rip-off below:

Am I the only one who can hear the difference between real voice actors and shit like this? I mean, in the original film, Heder’s great, but here it sounds like he’s in a booth mumbling his lines, which video evidence reveals to be true. It takes some skill and effort to put 100% of the performance into your voice.

Anywho, that’s the roundup. See you soon with a new podcast!

*Not a guarantee.

One of Logan and my favorite books is Max Barry’s Syrup, a darkish comedy about the world of advertising. It’s gotten close to becoming a movie several times in the past, but according to Barry, this time’s for real. Quoth his blog:

I’ll be honest: I never expected this to get made. In fact, I’m still skeptical. I’m that cynical. [...] This was supposed to be announced tomorrow, but word leaked out early and Variety reported it, so: they’re making Syrup. It’s what comingsoon.net kindly calls a “smaller production,” starring Shiloh Fernandez and Amber Heard. It’s based on a script I wrote, is to be directed by Aram Rappaport, and will shoot in June in New York City. This would be (will be, will be) the first of my novels to be filmed.

I can’t tell you how excited I am about this. If you haven’t read the book, now’s the time to catch up before the Hollywood version comes out. A large part of the plot involves a soda called “Fukk”, if that gets you interested. It’s been a few years since my last re-read, so I think I’ll do the same.

Did you do it?  Great.  If your description included the words “alien”, “Krypton”, or “American way”, I can almost guarantee you got the basic gist of it correct.  If you said “I don’t know” then congratulations, you don’t exist.

I mean, am I wrong?  Is there anyone who doesn’t know the very basics? If so, here they are:

They even manage to cover the fake physics of super strength, complete with some Mark Trail style nature drawings, all in one page.  But if that’s not condensed enough for you, try this:

"THIS IS MY LIFE. OKAY? NOW GET OFF MY ASS ABOUT IT."

That’s Superman tossing off his entire origin in a thought bubble. Not much more to it than that. But if you really hate reading…

There.  They took out all the pesky sentences for you.  Four iconic panels and you’re done. Everything you need to know.  Actually, wait a sec.  I’ll do ya one better:

One panel, apparently written by a caveman (ONE AND SAME!) and you’re ready to enjoy yourself some Superman stories.

My point is this:  I challenge you to find any potential moviegoer who was unaware of the above premise, and yet the new Superman reboot, reportedly called Man of Steel, will be yet ANOTHER origin story.

I’ve mentioned the origin problem of superhero movies on the podcast before, and written about it in one of my first articles for the site, my review of The Spirit.  The issue is that these films feel the need to give you a detailed walkthrough of the hero’s early years, partially because it establishes their character motivation, and partially because the fact that Daredevil was blinded as a child, or that Plastic Man used to hate broccoli until he tried it in olive oil may be vital to the plot.  That’s all well and good, and I love a well-told origin.  The problem comes in when the origin overtakes a huge chunk of the movie, eating up precious time that could be spent on the actual story.

Now, I’m not talking about a film like Batman Begins which is really and truly ABOUT the origin.  In that case, the origin itself is the entire story.  I’m talking about movies that could have been tighter and more focused if they weren’t saddled with all that setup up front.

"I may be invulnerable to bullets. But not to sadness. You see, it all started when..."

And even if you yourself are from another planet and have somehow avoided hearing Superman’s backstory.  Guess what?  It doesn’t matter that much.  You can still enjoy a Superman movie.

You don’t need to spend thirty minutes watching Superman grow up on a farm just to establish his homespun American ideals.  Maybe instead, Superman is flying over Kansas and offers to help the locals with some superspeed harvesting, after which he reminisces for a second about his own cornfed upbringing. You don’t need to actually see Krypton explode to get across that he feels alone on Earth.  Maybe he’s invited over to Lois’s parents’ house for dinner and is reminded both of his own adopted parents and the biological ones he never knew.  Two scenes and a few lines of artful dialog. Less than ten minutes of screen time where you’re also moving other plot elements forward instead of wasting time hashing out stuff we already know.

I just realized that I don’t even know if Lois’s parents are still alive in the comics.  And I don’t really care.  It’s nice trivia when you’ve got the time for it, but it’s not that relevant to understanding and enjoying the character.

So please, Man of Steel, I know Chris Nolan and David Goyer are involved, so I don’t want to tell you what to do.  But please.  Please can you spare us another origin story?

REVIEWED: Thor. What’s YOUR definition of goofy? PLUS: ReBoot, Power Rangers continuity, and the rules for multi-part films.

Until now.

After almost 15 years of trying, the official Aquabats site is reporting a 13 episode contract with HASBRO’s The Hub channel is currently being developed.  While I’ve never even heard of this station, I really hope this some how goes big.  Are kids ready for a show featuring overweight men from a ska band with fake mustaches wearing spandex and fighting crime?  The only correct answer is yes. 

Yes, they are.

How in the hell do you not have Ted give the lion’s head to Zoe? I thought for sure that’s where that was going. You could have had this nice thing where even though things fell apart, he left this memento for her so she could remember both the building and their relationship. Instead you blow it on a site gag with Barney.

Come on! Your show is great, but don’t make me do your jobs for you.

Sincerely, Ryan.

It’s an ad for X-Men: First Class and it isn’t new.  It’s been standing there for more than a month, but its importance only struck me recently.

Blade was probably the true beginning of the modern resurgence of superhero movies, but for me, the most important was X-Men in 2000.  As a longtime comic fan, it seemed crazy to believe that Hollywood was not only capable of taking superheroes seriously (Singer’s movie was about social equality as much as guys who can shoot lasers from their eyes), but that they could manage to turn a profit in the process.  In other words, the people who scoffed at spandex and capes went to see the movie too.  The casting of Patrick Stewart, literally everyone’s first choice for Professor X, put the icing on the cake, proving that those involved were fans themselves.

After X-Men, came another Blade, Spider-Man (finally!), Daredevil, an even better X-Men, Hulk, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Hellboy, Punisher, an even better Spider-Man, Catwoman, yet another Blade, Elektra, Fantastic Four, and the most well regarded of the lot, Batman Begins.  This was all in the first five years of what was then still being called a fad, even by me.

Certainly these are not all excellent films.  I had forgotten Elektra even came out. But to a lot of fans it was important that they simply existed and be just good enough to prevent the critics from saying “Well, that’s it for superhero movies!  Trend’s over!  Pack it up, Hollywood, this cash cow is dry.”  Because then the party would end and we’d all go back to the universe we came from, where superheroes are silly.  Neither profitable nor respectable enough for  theaters.

We endured Singer’s yawnable Superman reboot, as well as the film it spawned through neglect, the bitterly disappointing third entry in the X-Men trilogy. We cringed nervously at Ghost Rider and hoped Nicolas Cage would shoulder most of the blame.  We had high hopes for the Fantastic Four sequel.  It looked better than the first one.  And it was.  Though not by much.

We pretended Spider-Man 3 was “fun”.  Then we saw Iron Man and remembered what fun actually meant. There was another Incredible Hulk for some reason, but that was okay because there was another Batman too.  A dark and moody (as well as long and preachy) tale of the Dark Knight we knew from the comics.  Re-imagined for the screen, but only by degrees.  The tone, the themes, and most importantly the characters that made Batman great were present.  And right.  And the rest of the world liked it too.

There were others, of course.  Niche ones like Watchmen and Kick-Ass.  Flat-out imitators like Sky High and Zoom.  Blatant cash grabs like My Super Ex-Girlfriend and Superhero Movie.  But the point is this: It’s been over a decade since X-Men was released.  And amazingly, we are still here.

I just paid good money to see a movie about Thor (hear my thoughts on this Wednesday’s podcast!)  Not the regular old Norse god, I mean Marvel Comics’ Thor. What’s more, Sam Jackson shows up as Nick Fury, and there’s a three-line cameo by an Academy Award Nominee playing Hawkeye.  GODDAMN HAWKEYE.  The high school version of me never thought he would see anyone play Hawkeye outside of a convention.

And more are coming, folks!  We’re going to see a Captain America movie that contains the line “A weak man knows the value of strength.”  YES.  They get the character.  There’s a Green Lantern film that not only acknowledges the cinematically expensive proposition that there are thousands of other alien Green Lanterns, but actually makes them a central part of the plot.  The guy who did Firefly is directing an Avengers movie that will actually attempt to tie together Marvel’s cross-movie continuity in the same way the comics do.  These are pipe dreams made manifest.

That ad for the new X-Men prequel (which I hope is as weighty and thoughtful as its most recent trailer makes it out to be) made me realize that for ten years I’ve been holding my breath.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop and the superhero fad to end.  I don’t think that’s going to happen.  I think, at least for now, the dream has come true.  Superhero films are just another sub-genre.  An offshoot of fantasy, sci-fi, whatever you want to call it.  There will be good movies.  There will definitely be bad ones.  But there will be movies.  For the first time, we live in a world where it’s possible for the heroes we love on the page to come to life on the screen.

If this is just one big What If… story, nobody tell me.

Here’s who /Film is reporting will play country singer Charley Pride in an upcoming biopic:

Allow me to be the first to say “…the hell?”

I’ve come to you today to ask for financing for a film I think you guys are really going to go for.  Now, as I’m sure you’re aware, the horror market is constantly rating high with the kids.  What I’m proposing is a return to the holiday themed horror film.  I know what you’re thinking.  Eli Roth is over at Miramax right now developing Thanksgiving and that last Halloween film Mr. Zombie made didn’t perform so well, but let’s not kid ourselves.  Nobody cares about those holidays anymore.  They’re yesterday’s news.  We need a new holiday, right?  And here’s my pitch: A Cinco de Mayo killer.

America’s Hispanic population is practically exploding and research has shown that most Hispanics have heard of movies.  Gentlemen, we’re talking about an untapped market here!  Now then, nobody on my staff seemed to know what Cinco de Mayo is really about, but we did discover that people like to drink.  So I’m thinking we open on a bunch of horny kids drinking, then some guy kills them all.  I don’t really have a title yet, but perhaps something along the lines of Sicko de Mayo might do the trick.

 Well, let me just wrap things up by saying how much I’m looking forward to working with each and every one of you.  Thank you very much for your time.  And now, I’d like to conclude by giving all of you the traditional Hollywood handshake, or as it’s better known, a blow job.

Happy Cinco de Mayo, folks.

Yes, this is the least gayest picture I could find of Lee Pace.

Despite two cult shows, Lee Pace has managed to stay under the radar for quite a while now.  It’s not hard to see why.  Sure, I loved him in Wonderfalls and Pushing Daisies, but his film career has been lackluster and completely void of the charm he brought to those shows.   I’m looking at you, Possession, Marmaduke, and The Resident.

But 2011 looked to be a big year for our old pal Lee.  He managed to score a role in (ugh) the final two Twilight films.  And Sunday came the news that Peter Jackson has cast him in the long delayed upcoming Hobbit films.  This works, as not only does Lee already look somewhat like an elf (and indeed as he was cast an elf king or something equally nerdy), but maybe this will lead to more lucrative roles for him besides “Lead female’s boyfriend who dies in the third act”.

Time will tell.  God speed, li’l Lee! 

via Empire

No, that headline isn’t a reference to any dead terrorists. The Three Amigos ride again thanks to a photo shoot and interview session by Empire Magazine. Badass Digest has a short behind-the-scenes video of the shoot which reveals that John Landis was on hand as well. Can’t wait to read the full article!

Makeup tests are underway.

We all knew it was inevitable, but it looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger will be returning to the Terminator franchise just as soon as he can get somebody to pay for it.  Apparently, Justin Lin of Fast Five fame is going to direct.

While I’m glad to see Arnold return to movies, I’m only now realizing that I don’t particularly want him returning to the Terminator.  I suspect that another Arnold Terminator would be the same old thing we’ve seen three times before, as opposed to the fairly inventive take that Terminator Salvation showed us when forced to do (mostly) without his involvement.

Sure, I’ll still see it, but I’d take another True Lies or even Predator before another Terminator, unless they find a new and interesting take on the concept.

[via /Film]

REVIEWED: The King’s Speech. It’s still relevant, okay. PLUS: Bill & Ted & Twitter & Such.

This has nothing to do with anything, except that I found it while searching for "late".

Sorry, folks. Our already late review of The King’s Speech will be a little bit later. But look for it tomorrow!

TV Guide has more info, the most interesting news being that Josh is huge pals with Chevy and couldn’t wait to work with him again.  Of course, I already knew this, however, because most people seem to be under the impression that Chevy is some sort of asshole that nobody likes, I’m sure they’ll find it shocking.

REVIEWED: Scream 4. That’s…kind of it. We actually stay on topic the whole show!

Know what? I hate this show. That's right, I said it.

Since when did not liking Glee apparently make you homophobic?  Can’t we just not like Glee because it’s not a good show?  I’m sure you heard about the whole Victoria Jackson comment a few weeks back, but it now seems that one of my favorite authors, Bret Easton Ellis, is joining her.  E! is reporting that Ellis tweeted the following last week:

I like the idea of Glee but why is it that every time I watch an episode I feel like I’ve stepped into a puddle of HIV?

Yeah yeah.  Think what you will, but here’s the deal: It doesn’t matter how you say it, you can’t say anything bad about Glee.  In fact, if you’re a celebrity who wants some free press, all you really need to do is say anything remotely insulting about Glee.  With this in mind, I’ve prepared the following statement which is sure to get me written up in all the supermarket mags!  Hang on, ‘cos here we go!  Ahem…

Hi, I’m Logan Lee of www.criticalend.com.  That’s one word.  Guess what?  I can’t stand Glee!  Boy howdy what a terrible show!  Watching Glee reminds me of the time that I almost drank a gallon of AIDS.  For what it’s worth, I actually thought it was a bottle of Berry Blast PowerAde, but than I realized that the word “power” was no where to be found on the label, and also that the “Ade” in “PowerAde” is spelled different.  Also, it wasn’t blue which should have been the most noticeable difference.  AIDS is more of a peach color, I think.  Whatever the case may be, it reminded me of watching Glee, a show that I don’t like watching.  Oh!  Another thing that reminds me of Glee is the time when I was eight and I called a black kid a “jerk” on the playground.  Mind you, it had nothing to do with the fact that he was black, but because he was playing Leonardo, my favorite Ninja Turtle, leaving me to be Raphael, who nobody wanted to be.  What a jerk, right?  Anyway, that name once again is Logan Lee.  Did you get all of that?  Good.  Well, I’m off to rehab!

via CritEnd! reader Olivia.

REVIEWED: Scream 1, Scream 2, Scream 3. What’s our favorite scary movie? Not Scary Movie, that’s for damned sure. PLUS: Wild speculation on Scream 4.

And you’re telling me they get naked too? I AM SO THERE.

[via Wesley Crusher himself, Wil Wheaton]

Obviously it’s a teaser, so there’s not much to see. But I hear great things about the book so my hopes are high. Just like they are for the new season (or “series”) of Doctor Who.

Can’t wait!

[via /Film and Screened]

So, what’s new exactly?  As you can tell by her face, she’s now clearly on the rag.

[via /Film]

Yes, Keanu, God CLEARLY gave rock and roll to you

Allow me to share the same thought about this episode that I shared a few weeks back: Yawn.

It was already nearing my sleepy time when I read they were doing another paintball episode, but to now hear that it’s going to pay tribute to spaghetti westerns is nearly the equivalent of popping some Ambien. Is this not a genre that has been parodied to death already? 

I still love the show and think it’s one of the best on TV, but at some point in season 2 they lost track of developing their characters and decided to focus more on outrageous plots.  Does anybody recall that Shirley was a business major or that Annie’s life plan was to transfer to a University after two years? If so, maybe you should be writing for Community.

The finale airs on May 12th.

REVIEWED: Source Code. This episode missed the train. But the next one’s in eight minutes. PLUS: BevCast 2.0.

Nothing quite says "Horrorfest" like a little reverse necrophilia.

To a horror nerd like myself, After Dark’s Horrorfest was nearly a dream come true.  Started in 2006, the concept alone had my money.  Fifty bucks at your local cineplex bought you a single ticket to see eight different indie horror films spread throughout the evening.  At the end of the night, everybody got to vote on their favorite, or so we were told.  I don’t recall ever voting for anything, but somehow a winner was always chosen.

And of course most of the films flat out sucked.  To this day the mere mention of The Final, Lake Dead, The Graves, or anything with Rider Strong is enough to trigger my gag reflex.  In fact, fifty bucks wasn’t much of a deal when you consider that what you really got was one great film, two okay ones, and five complete suckfests.  However, that single great film was always a nice find.  I still consider Reincarnation, The Broken, and the soon-to-be-remade Lake Mungo to be near perfect horror films.

Now it appears that after four years, Horrorfest is calling it quits.  I would assume that they were losing money, as there sure doesn’t seem to be a shortage of crappy horror films.  Add to that the fact that After Dark was bought up by SyFy Films, and perhaps all of this is good news.  Who would pay fifty bucks to see eight SyFy movies?  If anything, they should be paying me.

Oh well.  It was a good run.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is teaming up with obviously bored comics giant Stan Lee to produce The Governator, a comic book/animated series starring Arnold as himself. Except in this version he quits politics to become a super strong action spy crimefighter, unlike the real world where he quit politics to do an embarrassingly self-aggrandizing comic book/animated series. Now, this news COULD be a joke perpetrated by Entertainment Weekly, but so many sites have reported it as true, that I decided to jump on the bandwagon. Mostly so I could post another clip of Stan Lee’s last infamous collaboration with a celebrity:

In other famous person team-up news, here’s a story that’s been kicking around for awhile, but has seen a recent resurgence: Stephen King and John (Sexy Cougar) Mellencamp are working on a musical called Ghost Brothers of Darkland County. Have we learned NOTHING from Spider-Man, people? If you’re doing a musical, get someone who writes musicals, not a washed up rock star. Although, I have to admit I’d love to see Ringo Starr do a modern stage adaptation of the Paul Bunyan story. I think it might go a little something like this:

Finally, James Cameron has revealed his next big innovation in filmmaking: using more film. Cameron’s convinced that shooting film at higher frame rates will blow audiences away. Sure, more frames per second adds up to a clearer picture and smoother movement (see modern videogames which almost all average more than cinema’s 24fps), but I still find it funny that the guy who taught us that action films could have decent scripts (Terminator, Aliens) has completely abandoned story in favor of visuals. “MORE PICTURES! DELIVERED FASTER TO YOUR BRAIN! WHAT DO YOU MEAN AVATAR WAS DERIVATIVE? IT WAS SO PRETTY!”

Have a good weekend!

Warner Brothers Executive #3: It gets me wet just thinking about it!

Another helping of raspberry...TOM?

At least that seems like the most likely explanation for the copious amounts of photoshopped red goo around the characters’ mouths, considering the absence of any apparent lip wounds.  Of course there are other possibilities…

• Harry and Voldemort magically switch bodies.  Voldemort puts a bunch of lipstick on Harry to make everyone thing he’s a nancy.
• Harry convinces Voldemort that he just needs to learn to be human again.  Wacky montage ensues in which Voldemort cuts himself shaving.
• Turns out the climactic last horcrux is at the bottom of a vat of strawberry Quick.

We’ll just have to wait for July to find out!  IN 3D.

The weird thing is, this doesn’t look half bad.  Sure, it does have flying ships, ninjas, and Orlando Bloom, so granted, it doesn’t look half good either, but we seem to have all of the makings of a great guilty pleasure.

Thoughts?

I’m a big fan of The Venture Bros. on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim lineup of programming.  Other than Robot Chicken, it’s the only Adult Swim cartoon I still watch.  The fourth season blu-ray just came out, and having already secured it and quickly wolfed down every morsel of its content, let me assure you that it is a worthy purchase indeed.  And the blu-ray really is the way to go.  The animation is gorgeous in high def.

But that’s not why I’m writing today.  Series co-creator Jackson Publick announced on his blog that not only has the show been renewed for two more pulse-pounding seasons, but a 90 minute TV movie is on the way as well.  That’s huge news, and frankly, a load off my mind, since every show I like gets cancelled after a few seasons, especially quirky niche shows like Venture Bros.

The finale of season four opened up a lot of interesting possibilities, and it’s great that they’ll have at least two more seasons to explore them.  One of my favorite things about the show is that the creators don’t just reset the status quo every episode.  Characters grow and change, taking full advantage of the serial nature of television.  A welcome surprise from a comedy cartoon that first appeared to be a straight forward parody of Johnny Quest, but has grown into an amazingly well-written show that tackles love, failure, growing up, and even death while still remaining funny and packed full of 60s throwback action.

So kudos to you, Team Venture.  Here’s to many more seasons of hilarity, heartbreak, and of course, adventure.

Disney has dropped all plans for the Robert Zemeckis mo-cap remake of Yellow Submarine.  While I would like to think that this is because somebody at Disney sent out a memo that said, “Wait a minute, guys.  I just realized that the whole thing is fucking retarded”, the truth is more likely the fact that Mars Needs Moms, which Zemeckis produced, is on it’s way to being one of the biggest bombs in recent Disney history. 

Bob Zemeckis, let this be your wake up call.  We all miss your live action films.  You were brilliant.  This whole mo-cap things is, quite frankly, somewhat scary.  Even if it is the wave of the future, as you’ve said time and time again, I don’t think we’re ready for it.  Hell, most of us still haven’t come around to George Lucus’ new Star Wars additions, and those started in the ’90′s.  So, do us all a favor and relax, take some time away from the cruel online blog folks (CE! excluded, of course!  We’re your one stop source for sexy entertainment news!), and start thinking about that next live-action film, or series, that we all know you have saved up in that cute noggin’ of yours.

Zemeckis can see the future with his patented Zemec Specs!

Have a great weekend. 

via CHUD

In happier times.

If you look back through the site, you’ll see how excited I was about Hatchet II.  That excitement reached it’s height when AMC pulled the film from all of it’s theaters a few days into it’s theatrical run.  What was so bad-ass about this movie that it couldn’t even be shown in theaters?  They had me.  I bought the DVD the day it hit the shelves (something Irarely do without having seen the film first), and quickly settled in for the amazing holy grail of horror films that would be Hatchet II.

Final thoughts: Eh.

Not only did most of the sequel seem to throw out everything that made the first film so funny, scary, and original, but it also screamed of being shot on video and just overall cheap.  Not to mention that the re-casting of heroine Marybeth was much more distracting that it should have been.  So, yes, I was let down.  But was I ready for another sequel?  Hell, I was already on Fandango trying to pre-order my tickets.

And now Adam Green says it’s going to happen and I fully support him on this.  I always said that Hatchet would work best as a 80′s-ish horror franchise, and I know Green agrees.  Let’s just hope that he cleans up some of the mess he made with Hatchet II.

This episode is 87 steps ahead of you…if you haven’t listened to the first 86 episodes. REVIEWED: Limitless. PLUS: More fun with hypothetical scenarios!

Depending on how you look at it, I either had nothing to post today or only THE BEST THING EVER.

via Trailers from Hell

…at least that’s what I assume he decided to do halfway through developing Wonder Woman for television. And I think he’s really got something here. Adrianne Palicki only MOSTLY looks like some nerd took a nude photo of her from Playboy and photoshopped his fantasy on top of it.

Here’s a sneak peak of the sense-shattering first episode!

This episode is gonna keep its sheep suit on / Until it’s sure that you’ve been shown / That it can be trusted walking with you alone. / Owoooooooo! REVIEWED: Red Riding Hood. PLUS: Vagina blood.

So look. It’s VERY anime. And normally I’m not into that. Granted the original Thundercats was anime too, but 80s anime occupies a different, more loved spot in my conscious. At any rate, as much as I might normally turn away from this, my heart actually quickened a bit. For some reason, just seeing Wilykit and Wilykat jumping around, Tygra going all invisible, and Cheetara spinning that bo staff brought back so many awesome memories that I just have to believe the creators of the reboot have latched on to what made the original great. I’ll definitely give this show a chance. And when it fails me horribly, you’ll read about it here.

[Via Screened]

And now there’s talk of bringing it all back.  Which is expected.  You may have heard that Nickelodeon is brining back most of their 90′s shows, which is mighty fine by me.  I’m sure if all of this works out, ABC won’t be bringing back their old shows, but let’s hope they deliver a few shows in the same mold that made my generation love Friday nights.

Did you do it? Great. Now mute the audio so you don’t have to listen to that godawful commercial. And by the way, Yahoo! and its advertisers: You think you’re so cool with your non-skippable advertising embedded into my site? Well, your product is terrible and nobody loves you. There, I’ve cleverly countered your marketing with counter-marketing. Game. Set. Ryan.

What were we doing? Oh right. Now that you’ve seen the trailer, you count up all the jokes and put them into three piles. Pile 1 is for slapstick jokes where people fall down or get hurt. Pile 2 is for dick and fart jokes, anything scatological or sexual. Pile 3 is any other joke. Aaaaaannnnd GO!

How’d you do? Here’s what I came up with:

SLAPSTICK: 5
DICK/FART: 7
NOT FUNNY: 4
OTHER: 0

Oh, did I forget to mention the pile for derivative, unfunny bullshit? Well, on my third viewing of the trailer, I decided there needed to be a fourth pile. Anyway, this summer don’t forget to Smurf the Smurfin’ Smurf! RADICAL!

There.  Now you have.  Pretty neat, huh?

What you’re actually looking at is every single frame from The King’s Speech compressed into a single image. I’m not quite sure what the tecnacal details are behind this, but moviebarcode has a lot more.  Check out that color scheme!

Badass Digest reports that Shane Black, writer of Lethal Weapon and writer/director of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang may direct Iron Man 3.  Good news, I say.  I’m usually a fan of Black’s stuff, and he’s got just the sense of humor (and reporre with Downey Jr.) for the job.  Of course, this would be his first comic book flick.  But as you can see below, he’s been studying up:

Speaking of comics, /Film reveals that the producers for that Godawful Spider-Man musical have hired a new writer to fix it.  They wanted someone who really understood the character of Spider-Man.  What makes him appealing both from a visceral, action-focused perspective, as well as an emotional character-focused perspective.  With that in mind, they’ve hired ANY 15-YEAR-OLD IN AMERICA.

In happier times.

I’ll tell you who needs his story rewritten (segue!), Tommy the Green Power Ranger AKA Jason David Frank.  And yes I knew that name from memory because I saw it every weekday morning for a good four years straight.  Sadly, according to Geekologie, JDF’s in a bit of a jam after cracking some dude in the jaw so hard, his teeth came out.  To be fair, this was during an officially sanctioned mixed-martial arts bout.  To be EXTRA fair, this was NOT the guy he was supposed to be fighting, but some random employee of the gym.  Apparently he forgot the Power Ranger’s rule of escalation: start out with harmless gymnastics, wait for the bad guy to power up BEFORE you morph.

Hey, know what else was green and a part of my childhood?  Gremlins, which was a horror comedy directed by the great Joe Dante.  And now it looks like Dante may be returning to the genre with a new Vampire/Werewolf comedy called Monster Love.  Yeah it’s kind of a tired concept at this point, but if anyone can inject some new life into it, it’s him.  /Film’s got the pres release.

Finally, you know I love to end a roundup with a video, so check out this excellent compilation of conspicuous product placement in films put together by FilmDrunk (via /Film):

It’s a great video, but of course it’s missing one of Logan and my favorites, featuring a very-pre-famous George Clooney:

Anyway, click on Buzz to check out the clip over at Entertainment Weekly!

The cast and crew are promoting it as a “sequel” to the infamous paintball episode, which I find somewhat yawn inducing.  Doing more paintball at this point seems too easy.  Wake me when it’s over.  Oh, what’s that?  Lost‘s Josh Holloway is going to be in it as a sexy cowboy?  Okay, Community!  Ya got me! 

This week, we saw the one where Nicolas Cage escapes from hell wearing a leather jacket and kills a bunch of dudes. No, the OTHER one. REVIEWED: Drive Angry 3D. PLUS: Post-Oscar talk.

But now? Not so much.

I really blame Sunday night’s Oscars for this.  I’m really starting to feel like I would rather stop watching him and start punching him in the face.  MTV just reminded me that he’s next playing “a San Francisco scientist who makes a breakthrough during his research into ape intelligence” in the upcoming Rise of the Apes.  Let’s allow this newly released picture to say the rest:

Blarg.

via MTV

Photo ripped off from CNN.com

First, a big ol’ thanks from Logan and me for making this year’s Oscar Live Blog our best yet. The snark was flying fast and funny, from us as well as from a record number of commenters. If you spent the night with us, we certainly appreciate it and hope to see you again next year (or perhaps sooner, we’ve always talked about doing more live blog events). If you missed it, check out the full replay here.

Now let’s see how the rest of the net’s feeling this morning:

• /Film’s got all the winners for ya.  So does everyone else, but I like their formatting the best.
• CNN has the lowdown on the Twitter buzz.  Surprisingly, criticism was not constructive.
• Badass Digest has an excellent article interpreting James Franco’s lazy nonchalance as a brilliant deconstructionist performance piece.
• Finally, on the flip side of things, here are your 2010 Razzie winners.

UPDATE: And we’re off! Read and comment away!

The fun starts in a half hour, folks! Stay tuned to this space.

Sign up to be reminded to your left.  See you Sunday night!

And let me just say that this may be the greatest thing I’ve seen all year.  I’d like to order thirty prints please, GQ.

If Betty Draper forgets about you, just go with it. REVIEWED: Unknown. PLUS: We get a studio audience!

Lucky for us, the ever awesome John Landis is on the case this week as he does commentary on the first, second, and final Ape films over at Joe Dante’s Trailers from Hell.  I’ve always said that I would listen to John Landis read a Denny’s menu, so to hear him talk about a series that Ryan and I killed an entire weekend watching in college is going to be beyond amazing. Schedule and link below!

"Nolan didn't get the nom?!"

Oh yes. It’s back. This Sunday (5PT/8ET on ABC) James Franco and Anne Hathaway will awkwardly tag-team the Oscars, and–for the third year in a row–so will Logan and I.

How does it work you ask? Don’t worry, stupid. It’s easy. When you sit down to watch the awards, make sure you’ve got your laptop (or mobile device!) tuned to this site where you’ll find running commentary by me and Logan for the entirety of the broadcast. Check out the snazzy replays of our 2010 or 2009 events to get the idea.

Don’t have someone to enjoy the show with? Join us and post your comments! Do have someone to enjoy the show with? Ignore them and hang out with us instead.

And if you want a reminder when the live blog gets close, use the handy form below. See ya there!

Recently, there’s been some buzz around a new animated series that’ll look like this:

So anime it hurts!

Ugh right? They took that neat hand-drawn style and replaced it with boring ol’ anime. What a disappointment.

But then there’s this little relic. Test footage from a scrapped Thundercats CG movie:

Wow. Suddenly I’m psyched for the new cartoon. It couldn’t possibly be worse than that.

[Via I Watch Stuff]

This episode is better off dead. REVIEWED: The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Say Anything… PLUS: Our contest winner is finally rewarded!

And let me just say, isn’t that Watson a cutie?  If you dig the smooth vocal stylings of that Ken Jennings and the lovable brain of that other guy, Watson is the way to go!  He’s like the two of them put together, but in extra sexy robot form!

All kidding aside, this competition may be the death of us all.  I mean, did the producers of Jeopardy not learn anything from the Terminator films?  This is how it starts, people!  Just look at those cold, unfeeling robot eyes:

Alex, Ken, and Brad posing with IBM's futuristic death machine.

Anyway, the competition continues tonight.  Be there!

I call top bunk! REVIEWED: The Roommate. PLUS: Ghosts of roommates past.

Which brings us to the DVD/Blu-ray release…or I should say, the DVD/Blu-ray/Digital/Blu-ray 3D/DVD+Blu-Ray/DVD+Blu-ray+Digital/DVD+Blu-ray+Digital+Blu-ray 3D/DVD+Blu-ray+TRON release.  That’s right, Disney, known for overkill releasing style, plans to drop a staggering nine versions of TRON: Legacy on home video, two of which will feature a bare bones version of the original TRON.  The only thing missing is a laser disc version.

While I’m all about variety, this is mostly ridiculous.  It would be one thing if you were getting something different on each disc, but how many formats do you really need the same film on?

Although I will admit that this is kinda awesome…

More info on each version over at IGN.

This episode is waiting for you at the bottom of a swimming pool. REVIEWED: The Rite, The Mechanic.. PLUS: *grumble grumble*

That is all, bitches.

[via /Film]

That being said, I will shamefully admit that this trailer is my all-time favorite King film low.  The best part?  It was brought to us by (a mostly high) Stephen King himself.

Stephen King pointed at me!

In case you haven’t been watching, it’s back from it’s mid-season hiatus and funnier than ever.  They’re also returning the show to it’s roots, and moving away from some of the more over-the-top scenarios that they’ve been doing.  It was also great to see Chevy have more to do in last Thursday’s Pierce heavy episode.  Creator Dan Harmon is promising even more red hot Chevy action in an upcoming episode that features the entire cast visiting Pierce after he ends up in the hospital.  Oh, and Entertainment Weekly also has some great news about an upcoming (nerd alert!) Dungeons & Dragons themed ep.  Is this the best show on television yet or what, folks?

Anyway, here’s some more Community Season 2 news straight from the cast and crew themselves:

Anyway, the guy who directed Brick, which was awesome, is collaborating with the guy who directed Primer, which was awesome. They are working on Brick guy’s movie about time-travelling-hitmen. Or maybe the hitmen themselves don’t actually travel time. They just get their victims FedEx’d to them from the future so the bodies can be disposed of without a trace. Sounds pretty great to me!

Man this post looks bare. Here’s a bonus for you:

This is also useful if you were unaware of the EXACT steps involved in going to a movie. Shorty.

Now, thanks to Conan O’Brien and a blonde wig, I have a reason to start again:

Then Natalie Portman freakin’ laughed. 

I spit out my taco, threw down my book, and stared, mouth ajar, at the pregnant lady on my screen emitting this weird noise.  I believe a small poodle also died.

The actual video is on YouTube, but I tend to prefer this one.  WARNING: This is very annoying, although Brendan Fraser seems to dig it.

Shamelessly stolen image alert!

Welcome back, kids!  Long time, no see.  Did you enjoy our 2010 wrap-up show?  I know we sure did!*  Anyway, a lot has happened since we last spoke.  Anne Hathaway was cast as Catwoman**, Tom Hardy was cast as Bane***, and it appears that Regis Philbin will be retiring soon****.

However, what the net is most abuzz about are the 2010 Oscar nominations.  There really aren’t many surprises this year.  I’m glad to see that Christian Bale finally got nominated.  I really hope he’ll win so we can watch him accept the Oscar as Batman or John Connor or whoever the hell he thinks he is that week.  Meanwhile, I may be the only person in the world who is happy to see that The Wolfman got nominated for Rick Baker’s makeup.

The full list of nominations can be found here.  Now is the time to start preparing for the big night by watching the last few minutes of The Naked Gun 33 1/3. 

*Lie.
**Meow!
***Who and who?
****There is nothing funny about this.  The man is a legend.

Remember, kids, you can check our respective IMDb pages (Logan here and Ryan here) year round if you want to see what we gave a particular film. But here, for your reference, is each of our complete ratings for 2010.  And below that, our respective best and worst lists.

To hear us chat about this year in movies, make sure to catch our 2010 Wrap-Up podcast.

All ratings are on a 10 point scale.

It’s our third annual best/worst show. Place your bets! REVIEWED: The highlights and lowlights of 2010. PLUS: Our first same-room recording since the beginning.

Hey kids. We’re taking the week off to prepare for and produce our big ol’ 2010 wrap-up podcast and yearly rating posts. We’ll be back soon, but until then, why not reminisce with our Best of 2009 podcast.

Nothing breathtaking, but it looks like Telltale knows the world and has got another fun ride in store for us.  See all of the scans at lazygamer.

All kidding aside (seriously Gene, we loved you in 2004′s Welcome to Mooseport), the internet is buzzing with the news that James Bond #23 is finally going into production (yay!).  This reminded me of a video some online nerd put together of all the James Bond “Gun Barrel Openings” from Dr. No to Casino Royale.  I’d forgotten that Sean Connery wore a hat in every one of his openings.  It’s also fun to notice how the theme changed over the years.

Argue if you want, but my personal fav is still 2002′s Die Another Day where Bond actually shoots down the barrel of the gun.  Now that’s my James Bond.

That was this episode seducing you. It needs to be the other way around. REVIEWED: Black Swan. PLUS: Minesweeper.

Then Wes Craven had to go and ruin it all by making Wes Craven’s My Soul to Take, a film that me, Ryan, and nearly everybody else who was tricked into seeing it agreed was one of the worst films of 2010.  However, our pal John Carpenter took one look at it and thought, “Now there’s a bank full of retirement money for old, overrated filmmakers like myself!  Kids will pay for anything!  It was true when I made John Carpenter’s Halloween H2O and it’s true now!”

Hence: John Carpenter’s The Ward.

So is it just me, or is the twist going to be that she’s the one doing all the killing?  Oh well.  At least John Carpenter isn’t attempting to take us “closer to terror than we’ve ever been before …in 3D”, much like the trailer of that Wes Craven film promised.

Michael Caine, apparently, doesn’t dig it so much. Or at least, he felt compelled to have a little fun at the expense of anyone who tries to imitate his Britishy tones:

[Via Badass Digest]

Now that’s not the whole list of eligible 3D movies (which isn’t yet available), but it’s the one the media is circling around. Nutcracker makes sense. There’s no reason for that to be in 3D. But where did the other two come from? Resident Evil is a bombastic action flick, a perfect candidate for 3D. I’m not saying it’s great, but how is that a “misuse of 3D?” And Piranha 3D? Half the joke of that movie is that it’s in 3D! I don’t understand it’s inclusion here.

This hallway has so many dimensions!

You want to talk misuse of 3D? How about My Soul to Take? It wasn’t shot for 3D and was post-converted without Craven’s input. It gains nothing from being in 3D and the 3D itself sucks. Surely that’s a better fit for “misuse”. Or what about cheapo afterthought conversions like Clash of the Titans? If you’re just going to make the category “Worst Movies that Were Coincidentally Available in 3D” then call it that.

Once again, I implore you to crank up the volume, gather your co-workers around the screen, and see who can name the most films.  Winner buys the first round after work tomorrow.

*Seriously.  The only entertainment news I could find was about Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal’s break-up, and I’m sure as hell not going to report that.  However, I will take this time to say ”OMG!”

“Wow,” you think as you finish reading Ryan DiGiorgi’s January 3rd post at Criticalend.com, one of your favorite websites.  “Ryan’s right.  I shouldn’t feel guilty or out-of the-loop when my friends chastise me for not seeing some classic film.  I have all the time in the world to enjoy a good movie.”

You take a sip of your latte and look around the coffee shop.  It’s a beautiful day out, and although you heard that a storm or two may be moving in this weekend, it doesn’t dampen your spirits.  The would is full of people who would complain about things they can’t change, but Mr. DiGiorgi has reminded you to slow down, and not stress about what’s expected.  You’ll get around to seeing Chinatown and Das Boot soon enough, but you’re done with the guilt.  There’s plenty of time. 

Sure, the kids make it hard to find the time to see a good movie, and let’s face it, you’re not getting any younger.  And think about that homeless beggar you saw on the way into the shop: He’s definitely not seeing movies anymore.  I wonder if he ever saw Braveheart?  Then there’s the blood pressure.  Doc said that if you don’t start watching your diet, you could be nearing a massive heart attack.  Or worse.  I mean, what if you fell into an open manhole on the way home?  You would never even get to see that last Indiana Jones flick!  What was it called?  Search for the Crystal Skull or something like that?  You heard it was lame, but you’ve seen the others.  Wouldn’t you feel like a real knucklehead if you knew all of your friends and family were talking about it at your funeral…

And what’s up with that businessman across from you at the coffee shop?!  He left his briefcase on the table and walked off almost fifteen minutes ago!  Who does that?  Now that you think about it, he did seem a bit out of the ordinary, didn’t he?  Why, he could be some sort of Islamic extremist and that very well could be a small nuke ready to blow at any second!  And to think: Stand by Me was on TV the other night and you turned it off.

It’s easy for people with reasonably fictional names like “Ryan DiGiorgi” or “Edgar Wright” to sit around and talk about how it’s never too late to see a movie, but you know better than that.  It may already be too late.

Or maybe not.  Your call really.

XOXOXO,
Logan

Happy New Year, folks. I was sitting here trying to think up a post worthy of kicking off 2011. At the same time I was listening to Edgar Wright on Kevin Smith’s filmmaker podcast and he said something I really loved: It’s never too late to see a movie.

Wright told the story of a fan who had just seen Scott Pilgrim on DVD and apologized to him for having not seen it in theaters. You may recall that movie didn’t do so hot at the box office. Wright told him he was just happy he’d seen it. He then recalled hosting a screening of Evil Dead II and asking how many people in the audience hadn’t seen it before. The few that raised their hands got booed by the rest, but Wright shut them up by reminding them how amazing it must be to be see that movie for the first time in a theater full of hundreds of fans. It’s never too late to see a movie.

In college, I found out a friend of mine hadn’t seen Psycho. My first instinct was to chide her. I mean, that’s sheer cultural unawareness. But I was stunned when she added that she didn’t even know how it ended. She’d somehow lived more than twenty years without having the identity of Norman Bates’s mother ruined for her. Never heard it discussed, seen a parody, nothing. My sense of superiority flipped instantly to envy. I’d seen Psycho, but I’d never had the opportunity to experience it with a truly blank slate. She eventually saw it, and enjoyed it in a way that I would never be able to duplicate for myself.

Logan and I certainly haven’t seen everything. A big part of Critical End is having the excuse to watch more movies, old and new, constantly filling the gaps in our cinematic knowledge. I started writing a post about the shame I associate with my own gaps, and how my New Year’s resolution was to atone for my sins. But Edgar Wright just reminded me to relax. I’ll get around to all those films soon enough, but I’m done feeling guilty about them. It’s never too late to see a movie.

Incidentally, Schindler’s List? Haven’t seen it. But I think this is the year.

All kidding aside, this really should have been how The Expendables ended.

Have a great New Year, gang.

Yuks wanted.

You know how every Pixar film in theaters opens with a nifty little short?  I’ve always thought of it as a great throwback to film going days of old, while also enjoying the little extra bit of Pixar I’m getting for my buck.  I especially enjoyed Day & Night, the short before Toy Story 3, although the teenagers in front of me seemed to be wondering if they were in the wrong theater.

Pixar tweets are beginning to flow like crazy now that we’re getting closer to (collective moan) Cars 2, and they all seem to hint towards the same thing: The film will open with the first of several Toy Story character epilogue shorts.  While this seems like a fun thought at first (and a great way to trick people like me into seeing Cars 2), I hope that this doesn’t cheapen what I thought was a great ending to a very fun trilogy.  Then again, this is Pixar, and I’m sure they’ll bring us nothing but the finest.  Like Cars 2, for example.

The first short is called Hawaii, and will feature Barbie and Ken.  As long as they bring back favs Michael Keaton and Jodi Benson, I’m sure it’ll be awesome.

via CHUD

After seeing this, I’ll take back some of the ill words I had for it a few weeks back, but not all. 

I stand by my statement that Seth Rogan is a terrible voice casting choice.  He’s too “I’m really a formally fat Jewish guy” to sound alien.  And speaking of voice work, we live in an age where we no longer need trailers read to to us by some fancy voice guy…so why hire one just to read “Paul”?  And finally: Nick Frost was not allowed to talk in this trailer.  He charges extra for that.

Even though this tells us next to nothing, I’m pretty interested. Granted, I’m a Kevin Smith fan, and I’m anxious to see what he can do in this new genre, but casting a crazy priest as your villain seems pretty original to me. I’m probably REALLY wrong about that, so feel free to post links to all the other crazy priest movies in the comments.

Speaking of, here’s a bit of Tron to tide you over. The well-remembered 1982 Tron Holiday Special from Funny or Die.

[Via Badass Digest]

Click to download just in time for Christmas!

Anyway, because of the upcoming holiday, we wanted to let you know that this will be something of a short week for the site.  No podcast this week, however, we will post one more story tomorrow, most likely something about how rad Chevy Chase is and how lame Judd Apatow is.  After that, you’re on your own, Timmy.

We’ll return to the usual schedule the week after Christmas, with our TRON podcast.  See you all back here then! 

*Reserve your place now!  Last year Ryan raised over $5.00 for “Ryan’s Angels”, a charity that helps girls ages 18 to 25 win a dream date with Ryan.

/Film says that producers “have decided that the second act, which is where the show strays from the classic Spider-Man mythology, is unclear and needs to be tinkered with.”  So, first, great job fucking up the story of one of the most recognizable characters in popular fiction to such a degree that it’s not only disappointing, but flat out incomprehensible.

Second, if the whole point of a musical is to tell a story through music, I’m going to guess that the droning, generic contributions of Bono and THE EDGE^TM probably aren’t cutting it. Not a surprise, based on what we’ve already seen. C’mon, that could be a song about literally anything. What does it tell us about Spider-Man?

Luckily, Batman swoops in to the save the day. Not that probably-also-shitty Batman musical they’re cooking up. I’m talking about Christian Bale himself. Check out this interview where he actually starts to sing a song from Newsies. Sure, he stops after only two words, but it still made my day. Plus he transitions in the Powerpuff Girls theme for some reason, which is amazing in its own right. Any father who exposes his daughter to an excellent cartoon that’s been off the air for six years is a great dad in my book.

[Clip via Badass Digest]

While he hasn’t been very active since the final Pink Panther film in 1993, I remember being thrilled to see him up to his old tricks again at the Oscars in 2004.  The moment is one of the few fond memories I have of the Oscars over the past ten years, and is definitely worth seeing again, despite the scary, bald, and mostly annoying Jim Carrey.

We’ll miss you, Blake.

I would if I had $3,250.

That’s the current going rate on this years 7th Annual Chevy Chase Green School Auction.  That $3,250 is kind of cheap when you consider that it’s for brunch with the Griswold’s themselves, Chevy and Beverly D’angelo.  The description promises even more wacky fun:

You will be a part of all the laughs and personal anecdotes (without the disasters!) from this hilarious pair as you are treated to a delectable brunch in the Griswold style! 

I’m not sure what the “Griswold style” is, but COUNT. ME. IN.  I assume it means Chevy will spill stuff all over me, trip the waiter by accident, and Ethan Embry may show up only because he needs the work.  All of this is worth way more than $3,250.

It’s only one of several things Chevy has talked his pals into doing this year for charity.  See the rest of the list here, and start buying for me now!  My personal favorite is a chance to hang out with Chevy and the cast of Community on the set.  Only $1,000 right now?!  That’s cheap!

*I tried to find the billiard scene in question on YouTube, but alas, I guess everybody hates Caddyshack II.  Anyway, it’s worth watching just to see Chevy’s excellent shtick.

Yeah, yeah.  I know that’s a terrible joke, but check out this trailer.  Dreamworks is practically reaching into my pocket and taking money from me.  The only believable line in the entire trailer is Jackman yelling “Let’s make some money!”, because, let’s face it, that’s exactly what this film is going to do.  I don’t quite think we’re talking about the next Avatar here, but perhaps Transformers for sure.  Sigh.

I dig it. It hit all the right beats, had me laughing out loud, then got out quickly. And it reminded me of Tangled, in that it was produced with CG, but was obviously tailored to look like its hand-drawn source material. Nice going, WB. Let’s see more where this came from, hopefully in front of better movies than Cats & Dogs.

[Via /Film]

Don't freak out, it's totally consensual.

So here’s what we know. First and awesomest, Disney has released an official synopsis for the new Muppet flick:

On vacation in Los Angeles, Walter, the world’s biggest Muppet fan, and his friends Gary (Jason Segel) and Mary (Amy Adams) from Smalltown, USA, discover the nefarious plan of oilman Tex Richman (Chris Cooper) to raze the Muppet Theater and drill for the oil recently discovered beneath the Muppets’ former stomping grounds.

To stage The Greatest Muppet Telethon Ever and raise the $10 million needed to save the theater, Walter, Mary and Gary help Kermit reunite the Muppets, who have all gone their separate ways: Fozzie now performs with a Reno casino house band called the Moopets, Miss Piggy is a plus-size fashion editor at Vogue Paris, Animal is in a Santa Barbara clinic for anger management, and Gonzo is a high-powered plumbing magnate.

With secret, signature, celebrity cameos, The Muppets hits the big screen Nov. 23, 2011.

That’s pretty much what we’ve been hearing with some great new details on what the disbanded Muppets are up to at the film’s beginning. You’ll also note that the release date has been moved form Christmas to Thanksgiving, meaning you’ll get your Muppet fix a full month earlier.

In bittersweet news, Paul Rudd has squashed the rumor that he’s voicing Segel’s puppet pal Walter. Bitter because we all love Paul Rudd, but sweet because my preference is for Muppeteers to voice Muppets. It’s the natural order of things. Of course it’s still possible they’ll go for a celebrity dub job to pull in a broader audience. It’s also possible that Celebrity Dub Job would make a great title for a gameshow.

Last thing, Muppet Central linked some sneaky set pics posted at On Location Vacations. They’re guaranteed to satisfy all your dour-looking-gentleman-manhandling-Beaker needs.

Picture from the upcoming Robin Hood music video, "Here Comes the Wicky Wicky Wild Wild Jiggy Robin Hood"

Long story short: The Wachowski brothers siblings, Andy and LarryLana Wachowski, are in the early stages of adapting a new Robin Hood film.  The “twist”?   It’s going to be set in a modern, urban society, which I guess screams “black Robin Hood”.  Hence: Will Smith.

So let’s look at what we have: Will Smith in a modern take of the Robin Hood tale?  Sounds fine…if it were 1998.  Honestly: We really don’t need another Robin Hood film, modern, urban society or not.  Ridly Scott already released his “true” version of the story earlier this year, and while it wasn’t a terrible film, it really felt like I had seen it all before.  And Will Smith has so many movies in the works that remind us how awesome he was a few years back, it’s ridiculous.  Here’s a quick list from IMDB: Bad Boys 3, I, Robot 2, Independence Day 2, Men in Black 3, I Am Legend 2, and I kid you not, Independence Day 3.  

As for the Wachowski  brothers siblings, Andy and LarryLana Wachowski, I gave up on you guys gentlemen people long before the credits for The Matrix Reloaded started rolling.

via Collider

Anyway, the trailer itself has me intrigued.  Visually, the film looks wonderful, and it’s packing more emotion than I expected from a film about a talking beaver.  However, even if it looks good or turns out to be great, will it ever get the respect it fully deserves?  Perhaps.  History continues to prove that people are ready to forgive Mel, especially since it looks like no charges are going to be filed against him.

Let us know what you think below.  Truthfully? I’ll buy a ticket.

The biggest remaining question mark involves the villainous Tannen family line. According to the end of the trailer, the second episode is called “Get Tannen!” That indicates that Biff Tannen or one of his ancestors will appear. But Tom Wilson, who played Biff in the films, has told BTTF.com that he hasn’t been approached for voice work. Seems odd since Telltale is pushing hard for authenticity and Wilson’s an active (and probably inexpensive) actor. Maybe the two parties have already struck a deal and are just waiting for the right time to make the big announcement. Either way, we’ll find out soon.

[Trailer via Kotaku]

Looks like it's back to work for boob master Eli Roth!

And that title is…Piranha 3DD! 

Seriously.  I may be alone here, but Ithink that’s a brilliant title.  I can pretty much already see the 3D boobs on the poster, and as we all know, 3D boobs pack those theater seats.  Hollywood even has a formula for this:

3D boobies = Money in bank

Have a great weekend, kids.

Despite the fact that they all kind of look like meth heads (I understand that this is a common problem with stop-motion animation), I’m really digging this.  They even pegged Chevy’s comic reaction exactly right, which can’t be easy.

The Community animated Christmas episode airs December 9th.

First up is a poster for a movie that I’m really looking forward to…Taken 2!

What do you mean this isn’t Taken 2?  Liam Neeson has a gun, for chrissake!  And look at that car!  It’s totally flying through the air all Liam Neeson style!  And you’re telling me this isn’t Taken 2?  Whatev.  Unrelated: What happened to that one side of Liam’s face?

Moving on, here’s a poster for a movie I was excited about…until I saw the poster.

I recall seeing some very awesome looking promo shots for this film.  None of them featured a badly CG’d alien.  I also recall thinking that this was going to be the one film coming out in 2011 that didn’t feature Seth Rogan in some capacity.  I’m slightly disappointed, producers of Hot Fuzz.  Unrelated: This apparently isn’t Taken 2 either.  I checked.

Hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving weekend.  Next stop: X’mas!     

When I was little, I was the only kid in the world who would ride around the neighborhood on my bike pretending to be Frank Drebin.  I even hummed the Police Squad! theme song for added effect.  Frank was a hero.  He was a tough cop who always got the girl, but I think what really appealed to me at that age was his ability to be a complete buffoon so gracefully.  He didn’t even care.

I grew up watching Leslie Nielsen play the same part in other movies, but like most people, I didn’t care.  I was so enchanted with the man in any role, that it didn’t matter if it was mostly the same role or not.  What mattered was that Nielsen was a genius at what he was doing, and that was making us laugh.      

I didn’t plan to post this today, and honestly, I’m heartbroken to do so.  On behalf of comedy fans all of the world, we’ll miss you, Mr. Nielsen.

MSTies rejoice! Shout Factory has announced, via Satellite News, that they will release a five-disc box containing every Gamera episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Why is this news? Because the guy who brought those movies to America, Sandy Frank, has long blocked DVD distribution of the MST3K versions.

The going theory has been that Frank didn’t take too kindly to the way Joel and the bots personally lambasted him on the show, but according to Badass Digest, it was just a matter of money. Either way, Frank’s stake in the films has expired and the big fire-breathing turtle is finally flying into your home. As Badass points out, this could mean that more MST3K versions of Sandy Frank owned films could be on the way, like Time of the Apes, Mighty Jack, and the Fugitive Alien movies.

“But, Logan,” I can can hear you whining.  “I love my family and the time spent with them!”  Yeah, well your family sucks.  This movie doesn’t.  Okay, it kinda does.  But that’s the point.  Stick with me, folks.

The tagline says it all.

ThanksKilling opens on a cue card telling us that we’re about to see the very first Thanksgiving.  It then quickly cuts to boobs.  Pilgrim boobs, that is, and not just any pilgrim boobs.  Running pilgrim boobs.  And what happens when there’s no place else for pilgrim boobs to run?  A talking turkey kills her with an axe.  Smash cut to opening credits playing over what can best be described as a remix of the Halloween theme with added “gobbles” mixed in, and I suddenly realized that something magical was unfolding on my TV screen: A horror holiday film the likes of which I hadn’t seen since Jack Frost.

There’s what you might call a plot.  Some college students are heading home for Thanksgiving break and their car breaks down.  They party and flirt, and once they get all of the wiener and tit jokes out of the way, things get going.  You guessed it: A killer turkey starts stalking and killing them one by one.  An attempt, of sorts, is made to explain the origins of the killer turkey, but I won’t bore you with the details.  Let’s just say it involves and ancient pilgrim curse and flash animation. 

The probelm is, all of this is kinda awesome.  I would go as far as to say that there are some genuinely funny moments.  Sure, the actors aren’t the best, but they understand how to play it all very “wink wink”, without completly tipping the hat.  There’s even a Trey Parker-ish musical number.  And the turkey…well, all you really need to know is that he kills people, wears disguises, and talks. 

Proof that you will like this movie.

Until Eli Roth gets around to actually making Thanksgiving, this is the most fun you’re going to have at Thanksgiving, next to Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, of course.  So ditch the boring family this year and check it out.  Oh, and ThanksKilling is currently a Watch Instantly on Netflix, which makes it a perfect way to spend those last few hours of Thanksgiving night before you nod off.  Your smelly uncle won’t mind.

Rating: 7 out of 10 stars
7 out of 10.

First up, here’s some long lost footage from Back to the Future Part II. It’s the full video loop that plays outside the Biff Tannen Museum scene in alternate 1985. There’s definitely more here than we see in the finished film, and it sounds like the narration is still temp. So, I guess that makes this the version from alternate alternate 1985.

[/Film via BTTF.com]

While we’re on the subject, check out this very interesting article where BTTF scribe Bob Gale debunks some common misconceptions about the trilogy.

It’s old news now, but here’s the full Green Lantern trailer. Everything about it pleases me except the costume which was created entirely by CG rather than physical material. It looked great on the cover of Entertainment Weekly awhile back, but it’s kind of fakey when seen in motion. Hopefully they’ll give it one more pass before it hits theaters.

Here’s a publicity shot for the Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark wherein Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge! is terrorized by a slouchy, bipedal version of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Badass Digest has three others, each goofier than the last.

"It's the fact that I'm a walking abomination isn't it?"

And finally, if you’re spending Monday counting the hours until the Thanksgiving holiday, embrace your frustration with this video compilation of every violent, primal, non-lingual utterance Arnold Schwarzenegger has ever committed to film. See you next week!

[Via /Film]

…why not get the family together and watch this one instead?

Full review coming this Tuesday.  See you back here then.

1. He apparently eats his weight in butter chunks once a day.  However, I don’t fault him for this.  I plan to do the same when butter chunk prices go down.

2. He needs to lay off of the UFO and ghost stuff.  It’s all he’s talked about over the past few years.  Which leads to number 3…

3. He’s gone fucking batshit crazy.  Don’t believe me?

Remember this blast from the recent past?  I dare you to make it through all 8 minutes of this “video”.  I made it to around the 6 minute mark before I realized that this wasn’t a joke.  No, ladies and gentlemen, he’s for reals.

I also have to wonder how his new-found batshit craziness is going to affect the script to Ghostbusters 3.  Oh, and in related news: I want a case of this for Christmas.  I mean, it comes in a freakin’ glass skull, people.

Eyes on the monitor, sir.

Not for you, but for some lucky Muppeteer.  /Film has posted some new pics (via The Daily Mail) from the set of The Muppets, including this one of Amy Adams with new Muppet Walter.  Now, we know Paul Rudd will provide Walter’s voice, but as a Muppet fan, I’ve been wondering who’ll be on puppet duty.

The only suspect who came to mind based on the long hair was Steve Whitmire himself, the man behind Kermit.  But this guy looked too young to be Whitmire, so I hit up Muppet Wiki which identifies the puppeteer as Peter Linz.  I’d seen his name in Muppet credits before, but I couldn’t think of any major roles he’d performed, until I discovered that he was the voice of Tutter from Bear in the Big Blue House.  You may not know who that is, but the memory of Linz squeaking I GOTTA BIG BLOCK OF CHEESE HERE, BEAR! still brings a smile to my face.  I couldn’t ask for a better hand for Paul Rudd’s voice to come out of.

No time to talk, folks! I have to get back to remaking "Rushmore" again!

Hey kids, did you hear?  Wes Anderson has announced his next film!  It’s called Moon Rise Kingdom and *yawn*.  Oh my.  Excuse me.  How unprofessional.  I apologize.  Where was I?  Oh yeah.  Deadline is reporting that the cast is shaping up to look like Edward Norton, Tilda Swinton, Bill Murray, and *yawns and nods off*

What?  Oh, hey.  Sorry.  Just got sleepy all of the sudden.  What was I talking about?  Oh, yeah.  Wes Anderson.  I- *ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*.

In all seriousness, this is a real film that’s happening and it’s just as boring as it sounds.  If anybody needs me I’ll be sleeping on the Z key.

…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzz…

Yoinked from /Film

/Film, famous for being the site I steal most of my posts from, has scored some awesome pictures from the set of the new Jason Segel Muppet movie.  Gotta say, I like what I see.  Check out the link for pics of Henson Studios converted to the rundown Muppet Studios, as well as the Electric Mayhem bus, and puppeteers performing Walter, Segel’s best pal.

And if you haven’t heard, Amy Adams has been cast as Segel’s girlfriend, and the evil-faced Chris Cooper has signed on for the villain.  No new ground broken for either actor, but I can watch Adams be a girlfriend and Cooper be a dick all day.  Fingers crossed, folks.

His record speaks for itself, but I’ll always know him best as the man who helped bring us this:

Godspeed, sir.

Hi. I'm Joe Dante and I approve of this message. Now if you'll excuse me, I must get back to being amazing.

The Howling is the best werewolf movie of all time.  Don’t think so?  Let’s look at the the facts: Joe Dante directed.  Robert Picardo is creepy as all get out.  The effects by Rob Bottin and Rick Baker still amaze.  Dick Miller chases off a bunch of nuns.  Hell, even Roger Corman shows up to parody himself.  The only other werewolf film that even comes close to this amount of awesomeness is John Landis’ An American Werewolf in London.  So, yes, when a film is this strikingly magnificent it’s only a matter of time before Hollywood remakes it.

Which is not happening.

Instead somebody at Anchor Bay thinks we want another Howling sequel.  I kid you not.  It’s been 15 years since The Howling VII: New Moon Rising hit video shelves, and even longer since anybody cared, yet Moonstone Entertainment/Anchor Bay thinks that there’s still enough interest in the series to now warrant The Howling Reborn.  I guess they’re also ignoring the fact that most of us stopped watching the Howling sequels about five minutes into The Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (actual title, I swear to God).

Head over to CHUD for the full story.  I’ll plan to see this film only if Dick Miller shows up in the middle of the first act and chases the cast and crew off.  Good riddance.