Critical End!

REVIEWED: The Woman in Black. …is dancing with me…cheek to cheek. PLUS: Ryan’s pelvis.

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If The Woman in Black proved anything, it’s that I want to see those scrappy little Harry Potter kids cleaned up and out there acting their magic-infused little hearts out, God bless ’em.  Daniel Radcliffe has already had a few other things up his sleeve, such as performing nude in New York and becoming a teen alcoholic.  Emma Watson has managed to branch out by cutting her hair and dropping out of college. 

But what of Rupert Grint?  I remember back in the day discussing the future of his career with Ryan.  We both guessed that he would go on to be an enjoyable comedic actor of limited range.  However, Harry Potter has now come to an end, and Rupert has yet to have any crazy tabloid moments, let alone that major “I’m a real actor now” moment.  

Well, Rupert, I just thought I’d let you know that all of your pals at Critical End! are waiting.  We know your big moment is coming, it’s just a matter of time.  Sure, some people say that you don’t have a career because, well, you’re kinda ugly.  But us?  We say, sure, that’s actually true.  But some girls dig pale, red-headed, freckled love machines like yourself.  So, chin up, Rupert!

Listen, I think my old college pal Parry Gripp said it best:

via Parry Gripp

REVIEWED: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2. Well, I guess we’re all going to get into Game of Thrones now? PLUS: There’s still time to contribute to our 100th episode.

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REVIEWED: Larry Crowne. Why won’t a sassy black girl decorate my apartment? PLUS: Drunk Harry Potter and original Schlitz!

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I’ve always wondered if Alan Rickman was truly into the Harry Potter films or just doing it for the check. That’s why it’s great to read this sweet, genuine note he penned for Empire Magazine about his experience with the character and his trio of young costars. I’m betting the cast and crew of Bottle Shock didn’t even get Christmas cards.

[Via I Watch Stuff]

Warner Borthers Executive #1: We need a teaser poster for our final Harry Potter film.  Ya know, something sexy for the ladies!
Warner Brothers Executive #2: Something that’ll get those Twilight tweens in the seats!
Warner Brothers Executive #3: I know just the thing! Picture this: Two of the film’s sexiest stars, about to lock lips…
Warner Brothers Executive #4: I’ve got it!

Warner Brothers Executive #3: It gets me wet just thinking about it!

Another helping of raspberry...TOM?

At least that seems like the most likely explanation for the copious amounts of photoshopped red goo around the characters’ mouths, considering the absence of any apparent lip wounds.  Of course there are other possibilities…

• Harry and Voldemort magically switch bodies.  Voldemort puts a bunch of lipstick on Harry to make everyone thing he’s a nancy.
• Harry convinces Voldemort that he just needs to learn to be human again.  Wacky montage ensues in which Voldemort cuts himself shaving.
• Turns out the climactic last horcrux is at the bottom of a vat of strawberry Quick.

We’ll just have to wait for July to find out!  IN 3D.

What a beautiful place…to be with friends. REVIEWED: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. PLUS: Logan’s dangerous obsession with National Lampoon Magazine.

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"You want it post-converted when?"

In an extraordinarily rare show of common sense, WB has decided NOT to release part one of the final Harry Potter film in 3D, because they “were unable to convert the film in its entirety and meet the highest standards of quality.”  So they ran out of time, which isn’t exactly like saying “there was no reason for this to be in 3D in the first place” but I’ll take it.  Hollywood’s no stranger to rushed 3D conversion jobs, so it’s nice someone finally had the guts to put the kibosh on one.  That doesn’t mean part two won’t be in 3D, however, so you’ll still be able to enjoy the magical wonder that slightly increased depth of field will bring to Ron Weasley’s hair.

[Via Screened]

"Mo' galleons, mo' problems, kid."

Not much going on today, so I’ll jump on Logan’s HP bandwagon and mention this story from /Film.  It’s a little hard to believe that one of the highest grossing movies of all time made NO PROFIT, thus allowing Warner Bros. to wiggle out of their agreement to pay certain actors and crew members a percentage of the take.

No word as to who exactly is affected by this, but when you’re getting back end points, it’s a pretty safe bet you’re one of the principal players, meaning that Warner is brazenly dipping into Hermione’s college fund.  Okay, theyr’e all like 30 now, but the point stands.  Doesn’t it?  I don’t know.  Not much going on today.

The first time I saw this new teaser poster for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows I thought that it was amazingly hardcore…then confusion begin to set in.  Are they now planning on calling it HP7, despite the fact that the poster claims there’s a part 1 and 2?  Is that part 1 and 2 of 7 parts?  And if “it all ends here”, is that to say that it’s ending in both parts?  Oh yeah, and what the hell is a 2D theater?  Do they mean a “normal theater”?

I guess I won’t know the answer to any of these questions until I shell out about 30 bucks to see both movies in 3D.  Curse you, Warner Brothers!

Still: cool poster.    

UPDATE: Scroll down for the new teaser!

The new Harry Potter teaser is set to debut online later tonight.  As a huge nerd who just got through listening to all the British versions of the audio books for “authenticity”, you can bet I’m interested to see it.  Meanwhile, /Film’s got some leaked images of some of the teaser’s juiciest scenes…

Here’s the scene where Voldemort teaches Harry to pronounce Italian words so he can impress the sultry farmer’s daughter he meets on their impromptu trip to Siena.

Here’s the POV shot of Harry standing outside the farmer’s daughter’s door after having comically tripped down a hill and into a pile of manure on his way there.  If I remember the book correctly, the shot after this will reveal that he is pantsless.

And here’s a scene from the closely-guarded epilogue, in which Hermione agrees to a romantic Sleepless in Seattle style meeting with an estranged Ron, only to find that he’s a drunken insomniac lumberjack now.
(SPOILER: She settles.)

Anywho, I’ll post the trailer here when it shows up so we can see these thrilling moments in action!

UPDATE: Here ’tis!

We whip out some occlumency in an attempt to divine how Michael Gambon ever got cast as Dumbledore. REVIEWED: Six Harry Potter films. PLUS: Chris Columbus: Overrated? Underrated? Rated appropriately?

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