As Critical End! enters its fourth year, one thing that never ceases to amaze us is the sheer amount of mail that we receive every day. While the majority of these letters are read by our secretaries and receive a quick response, it’s worth noting that there are several others that we simply ignore. Why? Well, to put it mildly, we have discovered that some of our readers are fucking nut jobs. The letters from these fans get tossed into what we call the Critical End! “Slush Pile”. Ryan and I have talked, and we both agree that the time as come to open up that file for the fans to read, and perhaps even to respond to as us. Here are just a few samples of what we have dealt with for the past few years. Enjoy.
Loved episode 100 of your podcast. However, why didn’t you review my suggestion of every known atom in the universe? Please advise.
Thank you for your kind words about my latest film Father Issues, Static Shots, and Bill Murray. I especally enjoyed your praise of Owen Wilson’s new haircut. Hope you’re already looking forward to my next film, Animated Father Issues, Static Shots, and Bill Murray.
What was with all the talk a few months back about Logan rocking the jukebox? Listen, I know Logan, and while we might not be best friends or anything, I have seen him around plenty of jukeboxes. I can assure you that there was a complete lack of rocking. Now Ryan on the other hand! There’s a guy who knows how to rock a jukebox or two!
I’m getting really sick of all those internet blog rumors about me being gay. Grow up, bloggers! Unrelated: If John Woo ever offers to blow you in return for the rights to a Mission: Impossible sequel, just say no. Besides, J.J. Abrams gives much better head anyway.
I’m listening to some of your old podcasts and just realized that you guys paid money to see He’s Just Not That Into You in theaters. Fags.
Why is it that everybody wants to know about Ghostbusters 3 but nobody ever asks me about Nothing but Trouble 2? For the curious, the script is ready and now it’s just a matter of getting Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, and the ghosts of John Candy and Tupac Shakur to sign on.
I must say that I’d like your website a lot more if you got rid of Ryan and replaced him with a pretty, free spirited, blonde coed with big boobs.
Since the only thing I’ve ever done that anybody liked was apologizing for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I’d like to take this opportunity to also apologize for the following: Everything I’ve ever done except season 2 of Even Stevens. Friends again?
Reading your post from Monday, Janurary 9th. This slush pile shit is cracking me up! Just thought I’d drop you a quick letter to let you know how much I love the new feature. Keep the yuks coming! Fags.