Critical End!

I trust you all had a great weekend.  Ryan and I spent most of it cleaning out the ol’ “Critical End Podcast Theater” (or, as it’s officially called, “The Tim Burton’s Career Pre-Planet of the Apes Memorial Theater”) in order to get ready for the recording of our big “Best and Worst of 2011” show tonight.  Unfortunately, all the imaginary tickets to the event sold out months ago.  However, no worries as you’ll be able to download the full show soon enough.

Speaking of sold out events, we’re also proud to announce our annual “Critical End! Oscar Live Blog 2012!”  Granted, things may be a bit harder this year as the Oscars had to go and finally get a competent host, but seeing that this is our fourth year of doing this thing, I’m sure we’ve got lots of past zingers built up to please both young and old.

Expect to hear more news about both of these things in the upcoming days! 

Oscar host Billy Crystal (with CGI Jack Palance) on the set of "City Slickers 3: Throw Curly From the Train"

As Critical End! enters its fourth year, one thing that never ceases to amaze us is the sheer amount of mail that we receive every day.  While the majority of these letters are read by our secretaries and receive a quick response, it’s worth noting that there are several others that we simply ignore.  Why?  Well, to put it mildly, we have discovered that some of our readers are fucking nut jobs.  The letters from these fans get tossed into what we call the Critical End! “Slush Pile”.  Ryan and I have talked, and we both agree that the time as come to open up that file for the fans to read, and perhaps even to respond to as us.  Here are just a few samples of what we have dealt with for the past few years.  Enjoy.

Gentlemen:
Loved episode 100 of your podcast.  However, why didn’t you review my suggestion of every known atom in the universe?  Please advise.
Matthew Dodds

Gentelmen:
Thank you for your kind words about my latest film Father Issues, Static Shots, and Bill Murray.  I especally enjoyed your praise of Owen Wilson’s new haircut.  Hope you’re already looking forward to my next film, Animated Father Issues, Static Shots, and Bill Murray.
Wes Anderson

Gentlemen:
What was with all the talk a few months back about Logan rocking the jukebox?  Listen, I know Logan, and while we might not be best friends or anything, I have seen him around plenty of jukeboxes.  I can assure you that there was a complete lack of rocking.  Now Ryan on the other hand!  There’s a guy who knows how to rock a jukebox or two!
Sandy Miller 

Gentlemen:
I’m getting really sick of all those internet blog rumors about me being gay.  Grow up, bloggers!  Unrelated: If John Woo ever offers to blow you in return for the rights to a Mission: Impossible sequel, just say no.  Besides, J.J. Abrams gives much better head anyway.
Tom Cruise

Gentlemen:
I’m listening to some of your old podcasts and just realized that you guys paid money to see He’s Just Not That Into You in theaters.  Fags.
David Shipler

Gentlemen:
Why is it that everybody wants to know about Ghostbusters 3 but nobody ever asks me about Nothing but Trouble 2?  For the curious, the script is ready and now it’s just a matter of getting Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, and the ghosts of John Candy and Tupac Shakur to sign on.
Dan Aykroyd

Gentlemen:
I must say that I’d like your website a lot more if you got rid of Ryan and replaced him with a pretty, free spirited, blonde coed with big boobs.
Logan Lee

Gentlemen:
Since the only thing I’ve ever done that anybody liked was apologizing for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I’d like to take this opportunity to also apologize for the following: Everything I’ve ever done except season 2 of Even Stevens.  Friends again?
Shia LaBeouf

Gentlemen:
Reading your post from Monday, Janurary 9th.  This slush pile shit is cracking me up!  Just thought I’d drop you a quick letter to let you know how much I love the new feature.  Keep the yuks coming!  Fags. 
David Shipler

What’s that you say?  2010 was the year we made contact?  No no.  I was talking about that other movie, Contact.  You know, the one with Matthew McConaughey.  Not that movie 2010: The Year We Make Contact.  I was just saying that 2012 is the year that Hollywood plans to…uh…remake Contact.  Yeah, that’s exactly what I was saying.  Shut up.  I should know what I’m talking about. I happen to run a movie blog. 

Speaking of which, we’re back!  That’s right, and all of your favorite CE! contributors are here!  There’s me.  You remember me, right?  I mostly post about Chevy Chase and complain about how remakes are dumb and so are today’s teens.  What with their Facebooks, Rock ‘n’ Roll High Schools, and Crispin Glover fan clubs.  I plan to complain about all of this and more every Monday. 

And then there’s Ryan as well.  I’d venture to say that he’s more in touch with what’s “hip” and “happening” and even go as far as to say that he’s got his “finger on the pulse of America’s youth”, which he’s still facing some jail time for in several states.  You’ll hear from him every Wednesday.

Finally, we have the original CE! Podcast, which you’ll be able to catch every so often on Fridays.  Can you believe that li’l stinker is 100 episodes old?  Talk about something that should have died around episode 15!  Am I right or am I right?

So there’s your sneak peak at what you have to look forward to this year at Critical End!  Pretty neat stuff, right?  Now, without further ado, let’s get the old ball rolling with today’s news!  That’s right, it’s the first news we’re reporting of 2012 and it’s coming up right now!  Look out!  Here it comes!  Take it away, Logan!

There is no news today.

Happy Thanksgiving week!  We hope you’re still digesting all two hours of our hundredth episode while simultaneously preparing your stomach for Aunt Margret’s gravy-like substance.  Critical End! will continue to enjoy some time off, but be sure to keep an eye this space for some announcements on what we have in store for the upcoming new year!

Until then, why not go ahead and crack open that case of Stroh’s you’re saving for that post-Thanksgiving football game and check out CritEnd horror/comedy fav ThanksKilling.  Now newly available on DVD!

Happy Thanksgiving, gang!

Unlike the Weezer video way back when, this actually seems like what we’d get if OK Go had guested on the Muppet Show. Loving parody of the artists in question while embracing their strengths. Wait a go, Muppets.

My review aside, there didn’t seem to be much love for Joe Johnston’s 2010 Wolfman remake.  You would think that maybe because it won an Oscar and Johnston is now about to release his much anticipated Captain America, it might earn some points, but apparently not. 

CHUD is telling me that Universal Studios has begun early planning for, you guessed it, another remake of The Wolfman, this time simply titled Werewolf.  How imaginative.  Add an exclamation mark to that title and you suddenly have a musical version, which I might get excited about. 

Anyway, CHUD goes on to speculate that this remake is most likely going to be set in modern day, which completely throws out all of the cool gothic style that both the original and the 2010 version worked with so well.  I also imagine that this version will be in mind-shattering 3D, which means almost completely CG effects should be expected.

Then again, maybe we’re all wrong about this thing and what Universal is actually doing is finally getting around to that Wolfman Jack biopic.

I couldn't resist the urge to use this picture.

Is it just me or has Jason Statham let us all down lately with things like The Expendables and The Mechanic?  You know what we really need?  A good ol’ fashion based-on-a-true-story Statham film where he beats people up with unlikely household items while punching them in the crotch all while a leering Clive Owen with a goofy moustache look on.

Cue Killer Elite:

Side note: Yes, I saw this trailer in front of Mr. Popper’s Penguins this weekend.  Somebody got fired, I assure you.

Since nearly every chain theater in America went digital, I’ve noticed something odd taking place.  I can even remember the first film I noticed it: Saw III.  With it’s mostly muted colors and overall grey tone, the film appeared, to put it bluntly, too dark.  However, most of the Saw films were supposed to look like they were shot in a crypt, so I shrugged it off and returned to complaining about the group of underage teens who were talking and recording most of the film on their cell phones.

But then I started noticing it during other movies.  Sherlock Holmes, Clash of the Titans, Shutter Island, and this weekend, Pirates if the Caribbean.  Sure, I could see most of the action, but surely not all of these films were meant to look this dark and faded.  I would mention it to others, and often did, but they would suggest I get my eyes checked and start talking about how clear digital projectors have made films.

Guess what?  Turns out I was right.

Theaters are ripping us off and we have digital projectors and 3D films to blame.  Even if you’re seeing a film in 2D.  What am I on about?  Roger Ebert has written a great article that discusses this very problem and how it’s quickly becoming the norm.  Quick: Give it a read.

As usual, I’m glad to be right, however this looks to be a major problem that nobody is going to care to fix.  Ebert recommends that we should complain and get a refund.  He makes a great point, but I can already imagine the reaction I’ll get when I attempt to explain what’s wrong to some pimply faced teenager.

So…anybody else noticing this?

Hello from Sunday night!  That’s actually when I’m typing this.  I’m going on vacation this week and because I’m can’t predict the future of the entertainment biz and still have to post something today, I decided to slap this together really fast.  It’s not like anybody is going to read it anyway, right?  I mean, after our first year or so most of you went on permanent vacation from this site.  You know who you are.  It seems like the only hits we get any more are from people searching for “hairy old men” and “steve guttenberg in dress”.  Shame on all of you.

Here’s a random clip of Chevy Chase that you’ve never seen before.  Why?  Because you won’t watch it anyway and I’m on vacation.  So fuck off.

Your friend in Christ,
Logan

Gentlemen, thank you for seeing me today.  I know that for most of you, this time in the afternoon is usually reserved for brief, albeit intimate, encounters with your mistresses in some seedy little motel on Vine.  I can see that you’re all busy Hollywood producers, and time is money, so I won’t beat around the bush, which, as I’ve said, is what I’m sure many of you would rather be doing right now.

I’ve come to you today to ask for financing for a film I think you guys are really going to go for.  Now, as I’m sure you’re aware, the horror market is constantly rating high with the kids.  What I’m proposing is a return to the holiday themed horror film.  I know what you’re thinking.  Eli Roth is over at Miramax right now developing Thanksgiving and that last Halloween film Mr. Zombie made didn’t perform so well, but let’s not kid ourselves.  Nobody cares about those holidays anymore.  They’re yesterday’s news.  We need a new holiday, right?  And here’s my pitch: A Cinco de Mayo killer.

America’s Hispanic population is practically exploding and research has shown that most Hispanics have heard of movies.  Gentlemen, we’re talking about an untapped market here!  Now then, nobody on my staff seemed to know what Cinco de Mayo is really about, but we did discover that people like to drink.  So I’m thinking we open on a bunch of horny kids drinking, then some guy kills them all.  I don’t really have a title yet, but perhaps something along the lines of Sicko de Mayo might do the trick.

 Well, let me just wrap things up by saying how much I’m looking forward to working with each and every one of you.  Thank you very much for your time.  And now, I’d like to conclude by giving all of you the traditional Hollywood handshake, or as it’s better known, a blow job.

Happy Cinco de Mayo, folks.

Does anybody know if the upcoming Rise of the Apes is going to be a prequel to the awesome Planet of the Apes or to the lame Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes? And while we’re at it, just why did Gorilla General Aldo want to cause an ape civil war in Battle for the Planet of the Apes?

Lucky for us, the ever awesome John Landis is on the case this week as he does commentary on the first, second, and final Ape films over at Joe Dante’s Trailers from Hell.  I’ve always said that I would listen to John Landis read a Denny’s menu, so to hear him talk about a series that Ryan and I killed an entire weekend watching in college is going to be beyond amazing. Schedule and link below!

Remember the ’90’s?  I sure do.  Saturday night.  Me and my skeleton crew would get together, walk to the abandoned drive- in, hook-up my Super Nintendo, and play “F-Zero” and “Zelda” until dawn.  Sure, time’s were tough, but back then we were playing with power.  Super power. 

Oh, and Paul Rudd was there.  Did I mention that?

I post this mainly because it’s awesome and I love it.  I also love Paul Rudd’s hair in it.  That is all.

It appears that some movie nerd (that wasn’t us) made a great map of the United States marked with which movie best represents each state.  This is one of those things that is so streets ahead that I really wish I had come up with it.  Drat.

Click pic to see your state

I’m really digging how many of these are the exact same films I would have chosen.  So…any disagreements?  Proud of your state film?

via CHUD

“The best advice I can give you about falling is to never land.”
-Chevy Chase, 2010

Yes, it’s that time of year again.  Your pals at Critical End! would like to wish the happiest of birthdays to our dear friend Dr. Chevy Chase (he’s a doctor of being awesome).  Today he turns 67, folks.  67!  Can you believe that?!  It seems like only yesterday that he was reminding Danny to take drugs, bribing Frank Oz to let him cheat on an exam, and making a movie with either Benji or Goldie Hawn.

So, what has Chevy learned in those 67 years?  Only how to steal our hearts!  Oh, and some practical stuff too…practically funny stuff that is!  Okay, I’ll stop now and let Chevy speak for himself in this wonderful Esquire article from last month, Chevy Chase: What I’ve Learned.

Happy Birthday, Chevy.