Critical End!

[[Well, NBC removed this video, so forget it.]]

UPDATE: Another awesome year! Read the recap below for post-Oscar reminiscing.

The fun starts later tonight, folks. Stay tuned to this post.

"No words? Screw The Artist."

This Sunday (4PT/7ET on ABC) grand dame of awards shows Billy Crystal returns to the small screen to make us feel like maybe we care about the Oscars still. And it must be working already, because Logan and I are on board for another year of live bloggin’ fun.

How does it work you ask? Don’t worry, you big dumb idiot. It’s easy. When you sit down to watch the awards, make sure you’ve got your laptop (or mobile device!) tuned to this site where you’ll find running commentary by me and Logan for the entirety of the broadcast. Check out the snazzy replays of our 2011, 2010,or 2009 events to get the idea.

Don’t have someone to enjoy the show with? Join us and post your comments! Do have someone to enjoy the show with? Ignore them and hang out with us instead.

If the world lost anything when Michael Jackson died, it was its sense of humor.

I can hear you now:  “How dare he!  Just who does he think he is?!  A big jerk, that’s who I think he is!  Logan Lee?  Sounds like a jerk name to me, the lame jerky jerk pants!”

Are you done?  Good.  Because, truth be told, you know I’m right.  I had friends who were cracking Michael Jackson jokes with the best of them one day, then praising him for everything short of inventing Eggies the next.  How did this guy go from being that weird, used-to-be-black-but-I-swear-I-just-turned-this-shade-of-white-pedaphile one day, to being somebody that never did any wrong the next?  Listen, I’m all for remembering Jackson fondly, but let’s not forget that he was fucking crazy.

Which is why I’m kicking off my official remembrance of Whitney (or as I like to call it: “RIP Whitney Houston: Memories of a Fucking Crazy Broad”), with the one thing that I thought of as soon as I heard about her untimely death.

Goodbye, Whitney.  May you live on forever in the YouTube clips of our hearts.

I trust you all had a great weekend.  Ryan and I spent most of it cleaning out the ol’ “Critical End Podcast Theater” (or, as it’s officially called, “The Tim Burton’s Career Pre-Planet of the Apes Memorial Theater”) in order to get ready for the recording of our big “Best and Worst of 2011” show tonight.  Unfortunately, all the imaginary tickets to the event sold out months ago.  However, no worries as you’ll be able to download the full show soon enough.

Speaking of sold out events, we’re also proud to announce our annual “Critical End! Oscar Live Blog 2012!”  Granted, things may be a bit harder this year as the Oscars had to go and finally get a competent host, but seeing that this is our fourth year of doing this thing, I’m sure we’ve got lots of past zingers built up to please both young and old.

Expect to hear more news about both of these things in the upcoming days! 

Oscar host Billy Crystal (with CGI Jack Palance) on the set of "City Slickers 3: Throw Curly From the Train"

Let’s take a look at that new super bowl ad with Matthew Broderick:

Now at first glance, this appears to be a parody of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. But it isn’t. A real parody takes something you recognize and puts a comedic twist on it. Okay yes, traditionally the purpose is to mock the original work which isn’t exactly happening here, and technically maybe this is more a pastiche or whatever. But my point is this is supposed to be funny. You’re supposed to laugh when you see present day Matthew Broderick doing a parody (or whatever) of his role in Ferris Bueller. Only there aren’t any jokes in this.

It’s not bad. It’s a reasonably competent commercial. But every potentially funny moment is just a carbon copy of a moment in Ferris Bueller. The sick day call, the parade, the stuff with the car, all straight up lifted–and this is the important part–WITHOUT any new twist. They could have shown Broderick failing at all his wacky antics, playing on the fact that he’s not a kid anymore but his fancy Honda makes him feel like one anyway. In that scenario, you’re taking something familiar and changing it a little to get your joke. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the original pitch. Instead we get exact scenes from the original movie, and you’re expected to laugh just because you remember it.

I like to call this the Family Guy Maneuver because that show does it all the time. Let’s check out an example in high quality taped-off-TV-o-vision…

So yeah it’s an exact recreation of the Power of Love part of Back to the Future…and nothing else. This is basically the same as the drunk guy in the bar trying to reenact the standup routine he saw last week. Listen, I love parodies. But before you laugh, please double check your parody contains jokes.

So apparently the Oscar nominees have been announced. /Film has a great roundup of those. Whatever. That’s not what we’re talking about right now.

Crispin Glover. If you’re not familiar with the man’s work, let me remind you that you are:

Even if you’ve only seen Back to the Future, you get the sense that that is one weird dude. Let’s take a look at some of his other work. There’s this…

And this…

And finally, lest you think he only plays creepy lunatics in the movies, here’s what he does when you put him on a talk show:

With this in mind, you can imagine my elation when I discovered that the man had a mailing list. Yes, you can sign up to get periodic emails from Crispin Glover. All you have to do is find his freakishly stark and terrifying website. A website that consistently refers to him as “Crispin Hellion Glover”, which just serves to underscore the weirdness, even though that is apparently his real full name.  Needless to say, I signed up immediately. And after three years of membership, I think I’ve earned the right to voice a complaint:

“Crispin Hellion Glover, how is your mailing list not weirder?”

Seriously, I joined expecting long paranoid screeds about the forest people that steal Crispin Glover’s mail, or detailed graphs showing which parts of his kitchen secretly resent him. Instead, it’s just some publicity blurbs about his pet project movie series and a boring list of tour dates. Don’t get me wrong, the movies themselves sound BATSHIT INSANE. I’d go see them, but I’m afraid they’d hypnotize me and turn me into one of his rat slaves.

In fact, comparing the email I got this week to one from 2008…this is the EXACT same text with only the tour dates updated! Come on, Crispin Hellion Glover! I paid (nothing) for your unique brand of unsettling behavior and I expect a return on my investment.

Either the next email’s written in the menstrual blood of an endangered African rhino, or I’m unsubscribing.

Actually there’s just nothing interesting to say today. Seriously, I spent two hours last night looking for news that would spark a blog post. So in lieu of that, please visit this important website.

Just a quick reminder that there won’t be a post tomorrow due to the holiday.  Well, that and we’ll most likely still be recovering from the premiere of the Napoleon Dynamite animated series tonight.  See you Wednesday!

It is with tears of joy that I bring you the following news:

When I’m finally holding this in my sweaty, Ben Savage-lovin’ hands, this will mean that over a decade of waiting has come to an end.  Whatever will I do with myself now?

Happy Friday from loyal reader, Todd:

Perfect.

Big ol’ Pirates of the Caribbean show coming up next week.  Today, though, it’s roundup time!

He'll be playing the "half".

Ashton Kutcher is set to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, leading me to once again ask: HOW DID THIS MAN BECOME FAMOUS? Seriously. He was on a middling sitcom for a couple years and a string of terrible movies. At what point did he become an actual celebrity? At any rate, if Ashton can sub in for Charlie Sheen, I’d like to announce that through the use of makeup and CGI, I’ll be joining the cast of The Vampire Diaries as Paul Wesley’s vagina.

In happier news, the soundtrack to The Book of Mormon (the first Broadway musical by the South Park boys) is out and it’s pretty damn good. The influence of Avenue Q composer Robert Lopez is delightfully apparent. You can listen to the whole thing on NPR’s website for some reason. I highly recommend “Hasa Diga Eebowai.”

Geekologie has some awesome summer movie posters that have been put through the LEGO ringer. My favorite is this version of Captain America. The permanent smile and inability to bow one’s head really changes the tone of the thing:

"Hey guys! Avenge, okay?"

Finally, /Film’s got the teaser for the Napoleon Dynamite animated series which proudly boasts the entire original cast! That would be impressive if any of them had something better to do. Man, what happened to Jon Heder, huh? Remember that five seconds we thought he’d be famous? Then he did that Reese Witherspoon movie where everyone was a ghost or something… Yeah. Anyway, check out the third-rate, watered down King of the Hill rip-off below:

Am I the only one who can hear the difference between real voice actors and shit like this? I mean, in the original film, Heder’s great, but here it sounds like he’s in a booth mumbling his lines, which video evidence reveals to be true. It takes some skill and effort to put 100% of the performance into your voice.

Anywho, that’s the roundup. See you soon with a new podcast!

The Aquabats have been one of my favorite bands for a long time now.  Songs like “Pizza Day”, “Magic Chicken”, and “Tiny Pants” were staples throughout my college years and continue to show up on my iPod on a daily basis.  I’d forgotten that Aquabats lead Christian Jacobs started it all with the hopes of some day scoring an Aquabats TV show.  While he managed to find success with Yo Gabba Gabba! (which features some of the “creatures” from the Aquabats stage show), his dream of a Aquabats show for kids never managed to catch on.

Until now.

After almost 15 years of trying, the official Aquabats site is reporting a 13 episode contract with HASBRO’s The Hub channel is currently being developed.  While I’ve never even heard of this station, I really hope this some how goes big.  Are kids ready for a show featuring overweight men from a ska band with fake mustaches wearing spandex and fighting crime?  The only correct answer is yes. 

Yes, they are.

How in the hell do you not have Ted give the lion’s head to Zoe? I thought for sure that’s where that was going. You could have had this nice thing where even though things fell apart, he left this memento for her so she could remember both the building and their relationship. Instead you blow it on a site gag with Barney.

Come on! Your show is great, but don’t make me do your jobs for you.

Sincerely, Ryan.