See that one guy in the middle?  THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME.

Do you think he really remembers me? Because he owes me 20 bucks.

I’ll be honest with you: This is the first Valentine’s Day in five years that I haven’t had to entertain some form of a girlfriend. And you know what?

I’m happy about that.

For once I don’t have to worry about making reservations at the restaurant with the name that I can’t even pronounce. Instead it’s dinner alone at Denny’s. That’s right, I- oh…

Anyway, rather than an evening out at one of the many anti-Valentine’s Day parties that I always seem to get invited to (I completely dislike that tired theme, especially when all people try to do at these parties is hook up. Doesn’t that go against the point?), I decided instead to stay in and enjoy the 2001 slasher flick Valentine. I think next year I’ll take my chances with the dinner reservations.

Let me start by saying that I was shocked when I looked on the DVD sleeve and discovered that this movie actually came out in 2001. Wasn’t the slasher film supposed to get smarter after Scream dissected it? Oh, and why is everybody dressed like they’re in the early nineties? Okay. Maybe that was just me. Let’s look at the film itself: It opens with a pre-Grey’s Anatomy Katherine Heigl as a stressed college student. Okay, not too bad. I’m with this movie so far. They’re setting up her character and I’m starting to enjoy- no, wait. Is she? Yeah, she just died. Hmmm. Well, okay movie. I can deal with this. Who else do you have for me? Let’s see. A whiny blond, another blond who thinks she’s too fat, yet another blond with an annoying laugh, and…Denise Richards? Movie movie movie. This just isn’t going to do. No, not one bit. Let me just take a gander at the run time here and OH DEAR SWEET JESUS.

Look, I know that this isn’t really a review so much, but let’s not kid ourselves here. Did you really expect me to stay in on the one day of the week that I’m guaranteed to get laid at an anti-Valentine’s Day party and watch some crappy slasher flick that doesn’t even have any nudity in it?

Well, I did and it stunk. I hope you’re happy with yourself.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
2 out of 10.

Comments are closed.