I recall high school Logan and Ryan getting very excited to hear that a script was in the works for a third Bill and Ted movie. This is only one of several reasons why we never got dates to the prom. However, years go by and people change. We got sexier and richer while all of our cool, good looking high school chums got ugly, poor, and drafted. According to Facebook, I see that most of the girls who turned us down for prom are now turning tricks on the south side of Detroit. Take that, you ho-bags.What was I writing about today? Oh yeah. It seems that Bill and Ted 3 is a thing again. MTV news was interviewing Keanu Reeves about his new beard or something, and he said the following:
“When we last got together, part of it was that Bill and Ted were supposed to have written the song that saved the world, and it hasn’t happened. So they’ve now become kind of possessed by trying to do that. Then there’s an element of time and they have to go back.”
Does this mean we’ll finally get the end to a trilogy nobody asked for? And is it weird that the prom queen turned hooker on the south side of Detroit still turns me down? I’m sure all of these questions will be answered in the near future. Until then, have a great weekend!
Nothing quite says "Horrorfest" like a little reverse necrophilia.
To a horror nerd like myself, After Dark’s Horrorfest was nearly a dream come true. Started in 2006, the concept alone had my money. Fifty bucks at your local cineplex bought you a single ticket to see eight different indie horror films spread throughout the evening. At the end of the night, everybody got to vote on their favorite, or so we were told. I don’t recall ever voting for anything, but somehow a winner was always chosen.
And of course most of the films flat out sucked. To this day the mere mention of The Final, Lake Dead, The Graves, or anything with Rider Strong is enough to trigger my gag reflex. In fact, fifty bucks wasn’t much of a deal when you consider that what you really got was one great film, two okay ones, and five complete suckfests. However, that single great film was always a nice find. I still consider Reincarnation, The Broken, and the soon-to-be-remade Lake Mungo to be near perfect horror films.
Now it appears that after four years, Horrorfest is calling it quits. I would assume that they were losing money, as there sure doesn’t seem to be a shortage of crappy horror films. Add to that the fact that After Dark was bought up by SyFy Films, and perhaps all of this is good news. Who would pay fifty bucks to see eight SyFy movies? If anything, they should be paying me.
Well, it’s Monday again, but don’t commit suicide just yet! First enjoy one of my favorites from last Friday’s batch of online April Fool’s gags. It’s from Telltale Games, makers of the recent/upcoming Back to the Future and Jurassic Park games we’ve talked about on the site. Enjoy!
Happy April Fool’s Day, kids! To celebrate, here are some stories that should be jokes, but (as far as I know) are 100% true:
Arnold Schwarzenegger is teaming up with obviously bored comics giant Stan Lee to produce The Governator, a comic book/animated series starring Arnold as himself. Except in this version he quits politics to become a super strong action spy crimefighter, unlike the real world where he quit politics to do an embarrassingly self-aggrandizing comic book/animated series. Now, this news COULD be a joke perpetrated by Entertainment Weekly, but so many sites have reported it as true, that I decided to jump on the bandwagon. Mostly so I could post another clip of Stan Lee’s last infamous collaboration with a celebrity:
In other famous person team-up news, here’s a story that’s been kicking around for awhile, but has seen a recent resurgence: Stephen King and John (Sexy Cougar) Mellencamp are working on a musical called Ghost Brothers of Darkland County. Have we learned NOTHING from Spider-Man, people? If you’re doing a musical, get someone who writes musicals, not a washed up rock star. Although, I have to admit I’d love to see Ringo Starr do a modern stage adaptation of the Paul Bunyan story. I think it might go a little something like this:
Finally, James Cameron has revealed his next big innovation in filmmaking: using more film. Cameron’s convinced that shooting film at higher frame rates will blow audiences away. Sure, more frames per second adds up to a clearer picture and smoother movement (see modern videogames which almost all average more than cinema’s 24fps), but I still find it funny that the guy who taught us that action films could have decent scripts (Terminator, Aliens) has completely abandoned story in favor of visuals. “MORE PICTURES! DELIVERED FASTER TO YOUR BRAIN! WHAT DO YOU MEAN AVATAR WAS DERIVATIVE? IT WAS SO PRETTY!”
Warner Borthers Executive #1: We need a teaser poster for our final Harry Potter film. Ya know, something sexy for the ladies! Warner Brothers Executive #2: Something that’ll get those Twilight tweens in the seats! Warner Brothers Executive #3: I know just the thing! Picture this: Two of the film’s sexiest stars, about to lock lips… Warner Brothers Executive #4: I’ve got it!
Warner Brothers Executive #3: It gets me wet just thinking about it!
At least that seems like the most likely explanation for the copious amounts of photoshopped red goo around the characters’ mouths, considering the absence of any apparent lip wounds. Of course there are other possibilities…
Harry and Voldemort magically switch bodies. Voldemort puts a bunch of lipstick on Harry to make everyone thing he’s a nancy.
Harry convinces Voldemort that he just needs to learn to be human again. Wacky montage ensues in which Voldemort cuts himself shaving.
Turns out the climactic last horcrux is at the bottom of a vat of strawberry Quick.
We’ll just have to wait for July to find out! IN 3D.
Is it weird that when I finally got around to watching the trailer to Paul W.S. Anderson’s The Three Musketeers I fully expected to see both Mila Jovovich flying through the air and zombies? Needless to say, the trailer delivered on one of these things (I still secretly hope the ResEvil zombies will show up in the final act).
The weird thing is, this doesn’t look half bad. Sure, it does have flying ships, ninjas, and Orlando Bloom, so granted, it doesn’t look half good either, but we seem to have all of the makings of a great guilty pleasure.
It would appear that there is a God after all. Look like I owe that crazy religious fanatic on the corner of Broad and 3rd a Coke. Join me in rejoicing as we all celebrate the following news:
Disney has dropped all plans for the Robert Zemeckis mo-cap remake of Yellow Submarine. While I would like to think that this is because somebody at Disney sent out a memo that said, “Wait a minute, guys. I just realized that the whole thing is fucking retarded”, the truth is more likely the fact that Mars Needs Moms, which Zemeckis produced, is on it’s way to being one of the biggest bombs in recent Disney history.
Bob Zemeckis, let this be your wake up call. We all miss your live action films. You were brilliant. This whole mo-cap things is, quite frankly, somewhat scary. Even if it is the wave of the future, as you’ve said time and time again, I don’t think we’re ready for it. Hell, most of us still haven’t come around to George Lucus’ new Star Wars additions, and those started in the ’90’s. So, do us all a favor and relax, take some time away from the cruel online blog folks (CE! excluded, of course! We’re your one stop source for sexy entertainment news!), and start thinking about that next live-action film, or series, that we all know you have saved up in that cute noggin’ of yours.
Zemeckis can see the future with his patented Zemec Specs!
If you look back through the site, you’ll see how excited I was about Hatchet II. That excitement reached it’s height when AMC pulled the film from all of it’s theaters a few days into it’s theatrical run. What was so bad-ass about this movie that it couldn’t even be shown in theaters? They had me. I bought the DVD the day it hit the shelves (something Irarely do without having seen the film first), and quickly settled in for the amazing holy grail of horror films that would be Hatchet II.
Final thoughts: Eh.
Not only did most of the sequel seem to throw out everything that made the first film so funny, scary, and original, but it also screamed of being shot on video and just overall cheap. Not to mention that the re-casting of heroine Marybeth was much more distracting that it should have been. So, yes, I was let down. But was I ready for another sequel? Hell, I was already on Fandango trying to pre-order my tickets.
And now Adam Green says it’s going to happen and I fully support him on this. I always said that Hatchet would work best as a 80’s-ish horror franchise, and I know Green agrees. Let’s just hope that he cleans up some of the mess he made with Hatchet II.
Time to play my favorite cartoon-turned-live-action-movie game: Gag Ratio! It’s simple and you can play along at home. Step one, watch the new trailer for The Smurfs. Let’s do that now!
Did you do it? Great. Now mute the audio so you don’t have to listen to that godawful commercial. And by the way, Yahoo! and its advertisers: You think you’re so cool with your non-skippable advertising embedded into my site? Well, your product is terrible and nobody loves you. There, I’ve cleverly countered your marketing with counter-marketing. Game. Set. Ryan.
What were we doing? Oh right. Now that you’ve seen the trailer, you count up all the jokes and put them into three piles. Pile 1 is for slapstick jokes where people fall down or get hurt. Pile 2 is for dick and fart jokes, anything scatological or sexual. Pile 3 is any other joke. Aaaaaannnnd GO!
How’d you do? Here’s what I came up with:
SLAPSTICK: 5 DICK/FART: 7 NOT FUNNY: 4 OTHER: 0
Oh, did I forget to mention the pile for derivative, unfunny bullshit? Well, on my third viewing of the trailer, I decided there needed to be a fourth pile. Anyway, this summer don’t forget to Smurf the Smurfin’ Smurf! RADICAL!
What you’re actually looking at is every single frame from The King’s Speech compressed into a single image. I’m not quite sure what the tecnacal details are behind this, but moviebarcode has a lot more. Check out that color scheme!
Happy Monday, kids. Here’s another batch of stuff that fell through the cracks…
Badass Digest reports that Shane Black, writer of Lethal Weapon and writer/director of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang may direct Iron Man 3. Good news, I say. I’m usually a fan of Black’s stuff, and he’s got just the sense of humor (and reporre with Downey Jr.) for the job. Of course, this would be his first comic book flick. But as you can see below, he’s been studying up:
Speaking of comics, /Film reveals that the producers for that Godawful Spider-Man musical have hired a new writer to fix it. They wanted someone who really understood the character of Spider-Man. What makes him appealing both from a visceral, action-focused perspective, as well as an emotional character-focused perspective. With that in mind, they’ve hired ANY 15-YEAR-OLD IN AMERICA.
In happier times.
I’ll tell you who needs his story rewritten (segue!), Tommy the Green Power Ranger AKA Jason David Frank. And yes I knew that name from memory because I saw it every weekday morning for a good four years straight. Sadly, according to Geekologie, JDF’s in a bit of a jam after cracking some dude in the jaw so hard, his teeth came out. To be fair, this was during an officially sanctioned mixed-martial arts bout. To be EXTRA fair, this was NOT the guy he was supposed to be fighting, but some random employee of the gym. Apparently he forgot the Power Ranger’s rule of escalation: start out with harmless gymnastics, wait for the bad guy to power up BEFORE you morph.
Hey, know what else was green and a part of my childhood? Gremlins, which was a horror comedy directed by the great Joe Dante. And now it looks like Dante may be returning to the genre with a new Vampire/Werewolf comedy called Monster Love. Yeah it’s kind of a tired concept at this point, but if anyone can inject some new life into it, it’s him. /Film’s got the pres release.
Finally, you know I love to end a roundup with a video, so check out this excellent compilation of conspicuous product placement in films put together by FilmDrunk (via /Film):
It’s a great video, but of course it’s missing one of Logan and my favorites, featuring a very-pre-famous George Clooney:
Happy Friday gang! The only thing that could make this Friday more awesome is some new Toy Story! Well, some free money would be nice too. Heck, I’d even settle for free lunch. I think that new taco place delivers. Whatta say? I’ll get you next week, I swear. C’mon, be a pal. Fine. You suck. Worst Friday ever.
I didn’t use to think much about James Franco. I liked him in Freaks and Geeks and when he popped up in other stuff (almost always unannounced), I didn’t mind.
But now? Not so much.
I really blame Sunday night’s Oscars for this. I’m really starting to feel like I would rather stop watching him and start punching him in the face. MTV just reminded me that he’s next playing “a San Francisco scientist who makes a breakthrough during his research into ape intelligence” in the upcoming Rise of the Apes. Let’s allow this newly released picture to say the rest:
