Critical End!

Here are some things that happened recently that I never got around to posting!

"I'd like to run a few wrestling names for myself by you. Now, I've narrowed it down to Luscious Lou' and 'Texas Joe Hotdog'..."

Shia LaBeouf wasn’t thrilled with the last Indiana Jones either, and he refreshingly blames himself.  To be fair, it certainly wasn’t all (or even mostly) his fault.  Uninspired writing and terrible CG did most of the work.  But it’s still nice to read this:

You get to monkey-swinging and things like that and you can blame it on the writer and you can blame it on Steven. But the actor’s job is to make it come alive and make it work, and I couldn’t do it. So that’s my fault. Simple.

Yep...just as I planned it?

Speaking of travesties wrought by George Lucas, the director recently had some words of advice for the produces of Lost:

Congratulations on pulling off an amazing show. Don’t tell anyone … but when ‘Star Wars’ first came out, I didn’t know where it was going either. The trick is to pretend you’ve planned the whole thing out in advance.

It’s nice of him to share his trade secrets, but it seems unnecessary.  From what I’ve heard, the writers of Lost have already usurped Lucas for the title of laziest hacks in the business.

In happier news, Critical End! favorite John Landis is reportedly going forward with a biopic of Bill Gaines, the man behind E.C. Comics and Mad Magazine.  I can’t think of a better director for the project.  Hopefully this, along with Burke and Hare will represent a return to prominence for Landis.

And finally, this re-imagining of the classic Sesame Street Pinball Number Count (AKA “11, 12!”) is a must-see.  Have a great weekend, kids!

Here we go again!

According to /Film, everyone’s favorite dread pirate and evil tornado enthusiast has signed on for Saw VII, reprising his role from the original.

It’s easy to see this as a desperate attempt to inject some life into a series that’s been running low on good ideas lately, but the plot–which centers around a support group for Jigsaw survivors–has some potential.  If they manage to get through the whole thing without yet another hackneyed flashback starring Shawnee Smith, I’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Dogs don't wear suits!

Like many, I came out of Men In Black II disappointed.  The story was kind of lame, Tommy Lee Jones’s reintroduction could have been much more epic, and it suffered from trying to cram in every character from the first film.  I think I’m going to start calling that “Crank 2 Syndrome”.

In any case, I still thought the series had potential, which is why it’s good to hear that both Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones have agreed to a third film.  Here’s the thing, though:  Without the dynamic of introducing a new recruit to the Men In Black (which both movies used), what’s this movie going to be about?  Maybe they’ll be forced to make the plot itself interesting.  Or perhaps they’ll just write in a new rookie agent, treating us once again to the classic “small gun is surprisingly dangerous” bit.

Oh, and it’s in 3D.

I’m going to be honest.  I miss Schwarzenegger.  Sure, he’s terrible at acting as we traditionally define it.  But he’s an expert at being Arnold Schwarzenegger.

As promised:

With the release of both Tron Legacy and Predators, 2010 is really shaping up to be a nerd’s delight. If you caught the first Legacy trailer before Alice and Wonderland, you already know how many socks it’s mostly likely going to rock off of various nerd feet.  However, little is know about Predators, besides the cast.

Last week at SXSW, producer Robert Rodriguez showed some select footage which has now been posted on the official site. I must say that I’m now even more excited about this. Rodriguez has put together a great cast and it’s clear he’s going to respect the past films as well.

Tron Legacy opens in December while we only have to wait until July for Predators.  Yay!

If you’re anything like me or Ryan, you’re still trying to get over Sunday night’s Oscars.  Personally, I’m considering therapy.  In case you missed it (lucky), I’d love to tell you that there were some highlights, but besides the stunning “tribute” to “horror” and the moment where some crazy honky chick crashed the show, there’s not much to talk about.

Except for this:

Now then, I think it’s rather obvious that the entire thing was just pissing Reeves off, however for some reason MTV has actually made the Internet believe that this may really be happening…which it isn’t…unless it does…which it won’t.

Expect it in 3D this summer.

Vigilante justice.

We’ve discussed the possibility before, but after the success (I think) of the recent HomeAway.com short, a new Vacation film is looking more and more likely.  This one supposedly features an adult Rusty, taking his family to Wally World one last time before it closes for good, leading me to wonder if they’ll title it Vacation 5: The Final Vacation.  The rumor is that the studio hopes to bring Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo along for the ride.

Now, I love Chevy.  And I love the Vacation movies.  But my question is, would this really be a good idea for Chevy’s career?  He’s just now sneaking his way back into the public consciousness with Community.  Yes, the HomeAway.com thing wasn’t a total failure, but if Chevy returns to one of his 80’s franchises, one that is generally known for lackluster sequels, might this end up being  a step backward in his return to comedy legend status?

I suppose it depends on two things:

1. The writing, which is reportedly being handled by at least one writer of The Geena Davis Show, so we should be in good hands.
2. The Rusty.  If Rusty is really taking the lead role here, as the plot rumors indicate, we need an adult actor who can fill the roll of the ever-revolving fruit of Chevy’s loins.  Ryan Reynolds comes to mind, but he’s probably too high profile for a Vacation sequel.  Plus he’ll be busy with Green Lantern and Deadpool.  Same problem with Paul Rudd.  Jason Lee is another Chevy devotee, and since My Name is Earl got canceled, he’s available.  The question is whether or not he’s bankable enough.

Of course this is all moot for me.  They’ve already got my money, as does Hot Tub Time Machine and any other Chevy comedy.  What about you guys?

[Via /Film]

Alas, The Descent: Part 2, my theater hardly knew ye. 

After waiting a few years for this follow up, Lionsgate announced yesterday that the sequel will go straight to DVD on April 27.  However, don’t for a second think that this is some made for DVD, shot on DV, crap horror sequel.  The Descent: Part 2 actually had a full theatrical run in it’s native UK.  It opened to mixed reviews from both fans and critics (most point out that the sequel is played mostly for laughs, which is odd as the original was extremely hardcore horror), but for those of you who loved Neil Marshall’s creepy, claustrophobic, and highly original first film, this sequel is a must.

Expect a review as soon as I can get my hands on a copy.  Here’s some info on the DVD.

Been to the video store recently?  Scan the new release wall and you’ll quickly discover that there is a straight to DVD sequel to a film that you only vaguely remember anyway.  Take an extra moment to pick up any one of these and you’ll discover something else: That movie is most likely a straight to DVD sequel of several other straight to DVD sequels that you never cared to see either.  I’m not quite sure why Hollywood works this way, but somewhere somebody must be making some serious cash off of The Land Before Time XIII: The Wisdom of Friends (after 13 films, I’m sure there’s lots of wisdom to go around).  Here are a few of my favorite DVD sequels that you most likely missed out on in the last year:

Free Willy 4: Escape From Pirate’s Cove
How the hell did Free Willy ever become a franchise?  Didn’t they free him in the first film?  Does he keep getting trapped again?  If so, that dumb ass whale deserves to die.  What a jerk.  Anywho, this movie looks awesome.  Check out that trailer!  It has that fuzzy “we swear it’s film” look that a lot of straight to DVD films have, the “acting” talents of Bindi Irwin (ten bucks says she finds a way to rap in the film), and poor Beau Bridges stumbling around in what appears to be a homemade pirate costume.  Personally?  I’m fanning it on Facebook as we speak.

Bring it On 5: Fight to the Finish

Yes, you read that right, this is part 5 of the Bring it On saga.  What exactly is this “it” and when do they plan to finally have it brought on?  Let’s just hope that putting the word “finish” in the title implies that this is definitely going to be the last film.  The space limit on my Netflix queue means I can only hold four Bring it On films.  Also, what’s up with the guy on the cover?  Even he is all like, “…the hell?”
 

Step Up 3D
Not really straight to DVD, but I had to put this on here as a warning.  Early reviews are calling this the best 3D dance film since Avatar.  Oh, and according to the IMDB cast list, the characters have great names like Cable, Moose, Hair, Backround, Jenny Kido, and Press Box Patton.  Clearly, if Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo had been in 3D they would still be pumping out sequels to it out as well.

More to come as soon as I catch up on those Land Before Time movies.  Wait, Cuba Gooding, Jr. is in the new one?

Remember when we warned you about Chevy’s return as Clark Griswold via a Super Bowl ad for HomeAway?  Well, here’s a sneak peak at what we can expect:

You're gonna to make it after all!

Bruce Campbell has announced that he will star in a follow-up to My Name is Bruce, in which he played a comically exaggerated self-deprecating version of himself that saves a small town from a demon.  In the sequel, Bruce Vs. Frankenstein, he’ll wind up in Europe where he, presumably, will save a small European town from a mad scientist and his monstrous creation.  I’m not sure what got Campbell going on this, but if he wants to remake the rest of Abbott and Costello’s oeuvre while he’s at it (Bruce Campbell Chainsaws the Mummy, Bruce Campbell Wrestles the Invisible Man, The Wistful She-Bitch of Wagon Gap, etc.), I’m completely on board.

Honestly, though, My Name is Bruce wasn’t all that hot.  It was hokey, like a lot of Campbell’s work, but it lacked the Sam Raimi execution that makes that kind of thing work.  And Ted Raimi turned in four performances that made me realize why Sam usually limits him to cameos.  Here’s hoping they pull it off a bit better this time.

[via /Film]

I’m something of an Alien and Predator nerd.  I admit that even the worst film in the series, Predator 2, has a 2 disc home in my DVD collection.  I also admit that I’m quite looking forward to the upcoming Predator sequel, Predators.  Nothing but good news has come out of the rumor-mill so far: Robert Rodriguez producing, Topher Grace and Adam Brody starring (?!), non-CG effects courtesy of K.N.B., and maybe even a cameo from Schwarzenegger’s Dutch.

All of that being said, I was excited to find out that several photos were leaked out and posted online.  You can view most of them here, but I would be lying if I told you that they gave anything away…except for one that is.  Look closely at this photo of stars Adam Brody and Oleg Taktarov…

Yes, that is, in fact, a Predator standing on a goofy yellow ladder in the background.  It would appear that Hollywood has FINALLY gotten around to making the Chevy Chase-influenced slapstick Predator film that I pitched years back.

It’s once again that time of year when families gather around the warm glow of the television and watch such holiday classics as It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, Home Alone, and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation to name a few.  Sure, your pals here at Critical End! watch those too, but when the hour grows late, the fire has died down, and the kids from Ryan’s third marriage have all gone to bed, that’s when the real Christmas fun begins.  Logan mixes his “special” eggnog (Ingredients: Eggnog, mostly booze), while Ryan warms up the DVD player for those holiday slasher films known as Silent Night, Deadly Night.  This year, in honor of the birth of Christ our savior (Okay, and the release of Parts 3 to 5 on DVD), we thought we’d let Logan share his opinion on each film in a special 5 part series each week until Christmas. 

This week Logan concludes with a look at Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker. 

Body Count: 4?  Boring!

Best Death Scene: A worm-like toy called, and I swear I’m not making this up, “Larry the Larvae”, crawls into a guys mouth and later explodes out of his eye socket…then his car blows up.  Talk about a rough day…

Looking back now in retrospect, if I knew that the Silent Night, Deadly Night series was going to completely suck, I wouldn’t have told you that the earlier movies sucked.  Just when I thought that I had expierenced the most suckage that I could from the series, I had to go and ruin it by watching parts 3 to 5…and to think that I waited all this time just to buy these last three films on DVD.  There’s a simple reason why they took so long to come out: Because these films should be destroyed.  Yes, when I started this whole mess I never thought that I would side with Mickey Rooney, but now I see how right he was!  The only problem: By the time Part 5 came out, even Mickey Rooney had forgotten how right he was.

Some of you horror nerds may know the name Brian Yuzna as the writer/director of the last two Re-Animator movies.  Remember after you saw the first Re-Animator (he had nothing to do with it) and you had high hopes for all of the sequels?  Well, don’t worry, as he went on to ruin the Silent Night, Deadly Night series as well.  Granted, this series never had the amazingly awesome Jeffrey Combs to keep it slightly afloat (Can you imagine him as a killer Santa?  Somebody write that movie!), in fact, now that I think about it, Yuzna turned Clint Howard into the star of these last two films.  Doesn’t that just say it all?

I think this picture says it all.

But I promised a review, so I’ll attempt to deliver one: Mickey Rooney, despite his hatred of the 1984 original film’s portrayal of a killer Santa Claus, shows up as the killer Santa in this one.  Of course, this isn’t until the last 15 minutes of the film.  By that point the viewer has been forced to sit through some cocktail napkin plot that plays out like a soap opera.  Why won’t little Derek talk?  Who is his real dad?  Why is he the same boy who played little Bill in Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey?  Is he supposed to be Bill in this movie too?  Why is Mickey Rooney so fat?  Did they pay him entirely in hoagies?  If so, I wonder how much that many hoagies would cost?  By the time you learn the answers to most of these questions, you no longer care.  Oh, and it turns out that Mickey Rooney wasn’t even the killer Santa…a robot Mickey Rooney was.  How’s that for a twist ending?

So where does this film fall in the entire series?  Flat on it’s fat ol’ bloated Mickey Rooney/Clint Howard dildo wearing face, that’s where.  Granted, this is where the last three films have mostly landed as well, but I really wanted to type the words “Clint Howard” and “dildo” again.  It really brought a lot of traffic to the site when I did it last week.  Anyway, my final thoughts on the Silent Night, Deadly Night series are thus: Watch the second one only…and only if you’re REALLY in need of a Christmas film…and drunk…and blind…and mostly deaf in both ears…you know, come to think of it, you may want to avoid Christmas altogether this year so you don’t accidentally see any of these movies…Clint Howard dildo.

 Rating:
2 out of 10

Series Average:
Rating:
3 out of 10

I really hope that you guys and gals enjoyed this series.  As always, we love your thoughts, requests, and comments on anything we do here at Critical End!  Have a great holiday.