This week, we’re pulled in two directions. REVIEWED: Drag Me to Hell, Up. PLUS: Critical End!’s first ever contest, your chance to win FABULOUS* PRIZES!
(*Prizes not actually fabulous.)
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It’s hard not to like Joe Dante’s 1978 film Piranha. Sure it was just a lame Roger Corman produced rip-off of Jaws, but in Dante’s hands it became a cult classic. How can you not like a film that’s got mutated killer fish eating a group of elementary school kids, Dick Miller in a huge cowboy hat, and one of my favorite horror movie lines, “Terror, horror, death. Film at eleven.”
But enough about how much I love Joe Dante and how some day he’ll have all my little Logan Jr.’s. You see, Hollywood is remaking Piranha…in 3D…with Elisabeth Shue. Some of you may recall that it was already remade in 1995 as a made for TV movie (which was completely forgettable except for the fact that it starred a young Soleil Moon Frye AND Mila Kunis), but it seems that what Hollywood really thinks it needs is a gory 3D update from that loony French guy who made the pretty bland High Tension. What was his name? Alexandre Aja or something. Crazy French and their crazy…Frenchness. As far as the remake goes, I feel like it could work. We’ll have to wait to find out, so until then why not rent the original this summer?
Anyway, what I really want to talk about is span style=”text-decoration: line-through;”>Joe Dante some more the recent news I read about Richard Dreyfuss shooting a cameo in the new remake. It turns out that the cameo will be an homage to his role in Jaws. So, if I’m understanding this correctly, Dreyfuss is doing an homage to his classic character in a film that is a remake of a rip off of the original film that featured his classic character. Does that sound about right? I was never great at math.
Meanwhile, they’re remaking Drop Dead Fred? What’s up with that?
It’s no secret that Eli Roth is my favorite horror director of recent years (cue hate mail), so I was both extremely happy and extremely all like “Huh?” when I read this story over at MTV movies. I know you don’t have time to read it, what with your busy online schedule of keeping up with everything that your ex is doing on Facebook (that slut).
I’ll hit the three highlights:
1. The “Huh?” news? Roth is trying to get his first big honkin’ budget movie made. So, what’s it about? I’ll let him take it from here:
“I don’t want to give away the title yet, because I have to make sure I own it 100%, but it’s going to be something that is really fun with lots of mass destruction. I wanted to do something along the lines of Transformers or Cloverfield that was a little more science fiction-based, and with lots of chaos and mass destruction. I don’t want to say what [the monster is] yet. Once it gets set up, I will let everyone know. It is not aliens or robots or a virus – it’s a little more grounded. But when people hear it they are going to be like That is going to be insane!”
Okay, Roth, I’m intrigued. I can only hope that it’s better than, well, Transformers or Cloverfield.
2. Okay, so this isn’t really a highlight so much as a comment: When did MTV start scoring all the good movie scoops? This is the third time that your pals at Critical End! have linked to their site and I’m kinda getting tired of it. Each time I feel like I lose a bit more of my soul. Where was I? Oh, yes…
3. The extremely exciting news: It also would appear that Roth is finally getting around to making Thanksgiving! Roth again:
“The plan is this: I want to do a huge budget movie, but tack on three weeks to the end of it and shoot Thanksgiving. I want to do an $80 million dollar movie, and then schedule three weeks at the end to quickly shoot a $5 million dollar movie.”
What’s all this hooplah? Some of you may recall Roth’s way way way over the top faux trailer to Thanksgiving in the mediocre Grindhouse. If so, you may realize why I’m so excited. In little under three minutes, Roth managed to parody and pay tribute to the slasher genre in such a way that I wanted to stand up and cheer after it was over…but then Tarantino’s Death Proof came on and I fell asleep.
Anyway, in case you missed it, check out the awesomeness below. That is all.
Logan’s hand-written notes for this episode say it all: “Intervention, Abortion, AIDS.” Just keep repeating to yourself: It’s only a podcast… REVIEWED: The Virgin Spring, The Last House on the Left (1972), The Last House on the Left (2009) PLUS: Even more ragtime piano than usual.
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There are a lot of bad horror movies, but because the genre is generally considered disposable, no one really remembers them. You have to be a fan of these kinds of films to have even heard of Castle Freak or the Wishmaster series. (I was going to use Deathbed there, but Patton Oswalt had to go and take that one mainstream.) Leprechaun, however, has entered into the public conscious, probably because there are, inexplicably, FIVE sequels. So if you need a quick goto example of how laughably awful horror can get, chances are you’ll reach out for Leprechaun, even though you’ve likely never seen it. Well, I am here to correct your misconception. Leprechaun is not a bad horror movie. It is a bad comedy. Which, in some ways, is worse.
The titular star is, of course, Warwick Davis of Willow and Star Wars and anything that needed a little person but couldn’t get Billy Barty. He’s a demonic leprechaun looking for his stolen bag o’ gold and taking bloody revenge on anyone in his way, including Jennifer Aniston in her film debut.
If the premise itself–a three foot guy in buckled shoes is coming to fuck your shit up–isn’t enough of a clue that this movie is in on its own joke, you will be swiftly convinced by scenes of the Leprechaun chasing our heroes on a tiny tricycle, downing a box of “Lucky Clovers” cereal, and falling for a ploy in which the gang throws dirty shoes at him which he must compulsively polish, allowing them to escape. I guess leprechauns are into shoes.
Occasionally, the shtick works. Davis, presumably cast for his stature, puts everything he’s got into the performance, tossing off Freddy Krueger style bon mots before cackling wickedly and disappearing into the shadows. Oddly, the Leprechaun does not have an Irish accent, but we’ll let that slide. The opening is played like straight horror. His first victims are terrified of him, which is what makes the scene funny, because…you know…he’s a leprechaun. But then the real protagonists show up and things get weird.
Lions and tigers and bears! Oh my!
If the film had restricted the human characters to the straight man roles, things could have worked. But instead, they’re WACKY! Early 90’s, Full House brand wacky. The major offender is Ozzie the idiot man child, played by Mark Holton, best known (by me) for his much better turns as Francis from Pee-wee’s Big Adventure and Chubby from the Teen Wolf movies. Ozzie gets into all sorts of kooky situations with his streetwise Newsies-style sidekick Alex and their beefy leader Nathan, with whom Aniston trades awkward flirty banter. And let me tell you, when Ozzie accidentally swallows one of the Leprechaun’s coins, the shenanigans and crack-em-ups really get going!
Look, movie, I kinda dug it when you were parodying high concept slasher films. But adding the Scooby-Doo crew to the mix just makes it groan-worthy. A movie about a killer cereal mascot does not need comic relief characters. By the time I got to Alex’s heartwarming yet naive plan to use the gold to pay for Ozzie’s brain surgery, I’d had about enough.
Plus the body count is disappointingly low.
Leprechaun is definitely a bad movie, but it doesn’t really take itself seriously enough for me to recommend it as cheesy late night riffing fodder. If you’re a fan of the genre, you kind of have to watch it once to see what all the fuss is about, and it’s worth it for the occasional laugh and to catch Davis in a rare starring role. But that’s about all you’ll get out of this one.
Rating: 
Happy St. Pat’s Day, kids. Knock back a Shamrock Shake for me.
If Harry Potter grew up to direct genre films.
It’s been nearly a decade since The Gift, the last film Sam Raimi directed that could be called a horror movie, and I didn’t realize how much I missed him until I saw the trailer for Drag Me to Hell.
He’s obviously been jonesing to return to the over-the-top spooky stuff that started his career. See the Doc Ock surgery scene in Spider-Man 2 or the news of his involvement in the almost certainly ill-advised Evil Dead remake. But Drag Me to Hell promises to be a true return to form.
Pretty girl, gypsy curse, lots of white contact lenses. And none of these wimpy ghosts who want you to be their mom, or solve their murders, or feel guilty about the holocaust. No. There is a demon. And he will drag you. To hell.
Still not convinced?
Oh yes, kids. Justin Long is ready to make you forget about the second half of Jeepers Creepers. MTV was right to snap up that exclusive. Take a look:
Pointless side note: Hey, Universal, I’d have used your official trailer embed widget but it’s incredibly tiny and autoplays with sound. Seriously?
Anyway, who’s excited?
Pet Sematary Two is not a good movie. I doubt that’s a surprise to you since you were probably aware that its predecessor Pet Sematary is also not a good movie (despite a great, true-to-the-book performance by Fred Gwynne). I’m not here to review those movies.
Although…
Pet Sematary
Rating:
Pet Sematary Two
Rating:
Now. I want to communicate two things about Pet Sematary Two. First, it’s a movie that actively rips off other Stephen King movies. Obviously, there’s Pet Sematary, but you’ve got the coming-of-agey kid protagonists from Stand by Me, the demonic dog from Cujo, and the antagonist breaking through a door scene from The Shining. They get tantalizingly close to the end of Carrie, but cut away just in time.
Second, this movie has tons of potential as your goto Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon movie. It’s an odd little nexus of obscure actors. We’ve got Edward Furlong of T2 fame, Anthony Edwards of ER and Revenge of the Nerds, Jared Rushton the bully from Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Darlanne Fluegel the evil doctor from the third Darkman, and my personal favorite Clancy Brown whose voice I was trying to place the entire time until I looked him up and realized he was Mr. Krabs from Spongebob.
So if you’re trying to connect Rick Moranis to Schwarzenegger or George Clooney to Arnold Vosloo, there ya go.
Is it weird that the Friday the 13th series has nothing to do with bad luck? I mean, besides the bad luck implied by a knife-wielding maniac? This question and others ignored on this week’s retrospective of the first three Jason films and review of the highly anticipated remake. PLUS: Silly voices.
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Do you think he really remembers me? Because he owes me 20 bucks.
I’ll be honest with you: This is the first Valentine’s Day in five years that I haven’t had to entertain some form of a girlfriend. And you know what?
I’m happy about that.
For once I don’t have to worry about making reservations at the restaurant with the name that I can’t even pronounce. Instead it’s dinner alone at Denny’s. That’s right, I- oh…
Anyway, rather than an evening out at one of the many anti-Valentine’s Day parties that I always seem to get invited to (I completely dislike that tired theme, especially when all people try to do at these parties is hook up. Doesn’t that go against the point?), I decided instead to stay in and enjoy the 2001 slasher flick Valentine. I think next year I’ll take my chances with the dinner reservations.
Let me start by saying that I was shocked when I looked on the DVD sleeve and discovered that this movie actually came out in 2001. Wasn’t the slasher film supposed to get smarter after Scream dissected it? Oh, and why is everybody dressed like they’re in the early nineties? Okay. Maybe that was just me. Let’s look at the film itself: It opens with a pre-Grey’s Anatomy Katherine Heigl as a stressed college student. Okay, not too bad. I’m with this movie so far. They’re setting up her character and I’m starting to enjoy- no, wait. Is she? Yeah, she just died. Hmmm. Well, okay movie. I can deal with this. Who else do you have for me? Let’s see. A whiny blond, another blond who thinks she’s too fat, yet another blond with an annoying laugh, and…Denise Richards? Movie movie movie. This just isn’t going to do. No, not one bit. Let me just take a gander at the run time here and OH DEAR SWEET JESUS.
Look, I know that this isn’t really a review so much, but let’s not kid ourselves here. Did you really expect me to stay in on the one day of the week that I’m guaranteed to get laid at an anti-Valentine’s Day party and watch some crappy slasher flick that doesn’t even have any nudity in it?
Well, I did and it stunk. I hope you’re happy with yourself.
Rating:
2 out of 10.
Ah, the old “review the Asian horror film and then review the American remake” gag, eh? I’m on to you, Critical End! (The Podcast) Episode 3…I’m ON to you… REVIEWED: A Tale of Two Sisters, Uninvited. PLUS: Hat-wearing advice for the socially flummoxed.
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Logan and Ryan want to be born now. REVIEWED: The Unborn, My Bloody Valentine 3D. Plus listener questions (kinda).
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