Critical End!

It’s once again that time of year when families gather around the warm glow of the television and watch such holiday classics as It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, Home Alone, and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation to name a few.  Sure, your pals here atCritical End! watch those too, but when the hour grows late, the fire has died down, and the kids from Ryan’s third marriage have all gone to bed, that’s when the real Christmas fun begins.  Logan mixes his “special” eggnog (Ingredients: Eggnog, mostly booze), while Ryan warms up the DVD player for those holiday slasher films known as Silent Night, Deadly Night.  This year, in honor of the birth of Christ our savior (Okay, and the release of Parts 3 to 5 on DVD), we thought we’d let Logan share his opinion on each film in a special 5 part series each week until Christmas. 

This week Logan looks at Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4. 

Body Count: 5 (…wha?  Only 5?!)

Best Death Scene: Whatever you do, NEVER beat Clint Howard with a broom.  It’ll make him mad enough to stab you to death with a butter knife.

I’ll be frank: I have no clue what the hell Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 was about.  I had a hard enough time trying to wrap my head around the odd arrangement of the title.  I think it involved bugs…no wait, that’s not right…I think it involved lesbian bugs.  Is that even possible?  What the hell is going on here?  All I remember for sure is that it started off so great…

Want to see this face do a whole lot of things that should be illegal? Rent this movie.

Picture this: We open on a cold, windy December night on some rat infested back street.  The city is quiet, save for a low clicking sound.  As the clicking grows louder, we realize that it’s the broken wheel on a shopping cart being pushed by a bum who hasn’t showered in weeks.  This bum: Clint Howard.  He stops his cart as something shiny catches his eye in the gutter.  Bum Clint Howard bends down and picks up the bug infested remains of a soggy hamburger.  Ever the happy go lucky hobo, he sighs and says to himself, “What?  No cheese?”  Suddenly a scream is heard!  Clint looks up just in time to see a woman jump from a building!  And she’s on fire too!  Freakin’ awesome!  Cut to: opening credits.  Sounds great, right?  Well, that’s about as good as this “movie” ever gets.  Not caring if I give too much away, I think we can safely say that this film is seriously crazy ass insane.  That’s not a good thing.  Ditching the Ricky/killer Santa story line completely, this film attempts to pull a Halloween III and take the franchise in a whole new direction.  The “story” this time has to do a young investigative reporter hot on the trail of a murder in which Bum Clint Howard is the only witness.  This would be okay if she wasn’t the WORST investigative reporter of all time.  Not only does she allow herself to get drugged twice, but at one unintentionally hilarious point in the film, she literally stands on a HUGE clue for an entire scene and never notices it.  Anyway, when she eventually wises up a bit too late, all of the evidence leads her into a second and third act that involves, and I kid you not, lesbian bugs.  Oh, and then the film gets weird: Cockroaches grow huge, Clint Howard watches clips from Silent Night, Deadly Night 3 while a couple has sex in a bed behind him, and the lead reveals she’s Jewish despite the Christmas theme of the film.  Around the time that Howard strapped a dildo to his face while three old women rubbed grease all over his hairy chest, I started to think that maybe somebody had spiked my eggnog.

Alas, that wasn’t the case.  Turns out that Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 is just as strange as it’s title.  What exactly the “initiation” mentioned in the title was, I can’t quite say.  All I do know for sure is that I some how survived it…and I will NOT be doing it again next Christmas.

Rating:
2 out of 10

Next week: Oh God, I have another week of this?!  After watching this film, I never want to see another movie again.  In fact, I now hate movies AND Christmas.  Damn, you Howard.  Sigh…next week the series comes to an end with a story about killer toys.  Oh, and I fully expect them to be killer lesbian toys as well.

It’s once again that time of year when families gather around the warm glow of the television and watch such holiday classics as It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, Home Alone, and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation to name a few.  Sure, your pals here at Critical End! watch those too, but when the hour grows late, the fire has died down, and the kids from Ryan’s third marriage have all gone to bed, that’s when the real Christmas fun begins.  Logan mixes his “special” eggnog (Ingredients: Eggnog, mostly booze), while Ryan warms up the DVD player for those holiday slasher films known as Silent Night, Deadly Night.  This year, in honor of the birth of Christ our savior (Okay, and the release of Parts 3 to 5 on DVD), we thought we’d let Logan share his opinion on each film in a special 5 part series each week until Christmas. 

This week Logan looks at Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!

Body Count: 11 (But once again, 3 of those are from clips of the first movie)

Best Death Scene: According to this film, the worst thing you could say to somebody in a coma is, “Who’s your favorite singer?  Perry Coma?”  Chances are they’ll wake up and kill you for telling lame jokes.

Let’s get one thing straight: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2, despite it’s awesome gayness, was not a box office hit…or maybe it was, but only because it cost around ten bucks and a six pack of Coors to make.  Whatever the case, the powers that be decided that it was time for the series to return to what made it huge in the first place: home video.  1989’s Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out! was the first of three direct to video sequels, and the only one not to feature Clint Howard.  For many, that’s all the review you’ll need to read right there.

BOO! Hey, kids! Mickey Rooney here to remind you that I hate these movies! See you in Part 5!

It’s been six years since Ricky went on his Christmas Eve killing spree.  It appears that he suffered some sort of head injury at the end of the last film that would cause a team of doctors to encase his brain in a glass dome.  While this sounds like the coolest thing since Jason got his hockey mask, it’s actually far, far from it.  Due to this, Ricky now stumbles around drooling and acting like Frankenstein’s monster, which, granted, isn’t that far from the way he acted in the last two films, now he just has an excuse.  Oh, and the movie finds every excuse possible to put him in a goofy hat to cover the dome.  This also isn’t as great as it sounds.  Why?  Because for some reason the director (who has the impossibly awesome name “Monte Hellman”), seemed to be under the impression that this was a drama.  The story concerns an annoying blind girl who has some sort of psychic connection with the dome-headed Ricky.  While it takes most crappy horror series a while to get to “the sequel with the hot clairvoyant chick” (see Friday the 13th Part VIII, or Halloween 6 in which said hot chick is Paul Rudd), the Silent Night, Deadly Night series must have known that it was going to fizzle out early and decided to jump the gun.  Anyway, for reasons beyond me, blind chick agrees to spend Christmas with her brother (one of two Twin Peaks stars who appear in the film), and his destined-to-have-a-nude-scene girlfriend.  Everything is going fine until Ricky literally hitchhikes to them (would you pick up a guy in a hospital gown with a glass dome on his head?) in an attempt to “connect” with annoying blind girl.  Oh, and for some reason I Spy‘s Robert Culp is there too, but only to promote some new gadget called a “cell phone”.  It’s all very loony.

While Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 1 was trashy fun, and Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 was a train wreck classic, Better Watch Out! is just bad.  It would appear that the killer Santa that outraged parents in 1984 had finally run it’s course, and as the series moved into the 90’s we all knew that there was only one thing that could save it…

Next week: …KILLER BUGS.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!
 Rating:
3 out of 10

It’s once again that time of year when families gather around the warm glow of the television and watch such holiday classics as It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, Home Alone, and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation to name a few.  Sure, your pals here at Critical End! watch those too, but when the hour grows late, the fire has died down, and the kids from Ryan’s third marriage have all gone to bed, that’s when the real Christmas fun begins.  Logan mixes his “special” eggnog (Ingredients: Eggnog, mostly booze), while Ryan warms up the DVD player for those holiday slasher films known as Silent Night, Deadly Night.  This year, in honor of the birth of Christ our savior (Okay, and the release of Parts 3 to 5 on DVD), we thought we’d let Logan share his opinion on each film in a special 5 part series each week until Christmas. 

This week Logan looks at Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2.

Body Count: 24 (But to be fair, 12 of those are from clips of the first movie)

Best Death Scene: One poor soul is killed simply because it’s garbage day and he’s disposing some trash.  Fellas, let this be a lesson next time the wife/girlfriend wants you to take the garbage out.

Oh, where to start?  I guess I need to get the most important thing about this movie out of the way first: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is my favorite bad movie of all time.  Yes, some people may tell you that you could never get worse than, say, Troll 2, or to a more recent extent, The Room, but for my money, this film has them all beat.  And do you want to know the weirdest part about the whole thing?  More than one third of Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is made up of, yeah, you guessed it, clips of Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 1 MINUS most of the gore and nudity.

Following the video success of the first film, producers begin to search for a way to extend its shelf life a bit.  Due mostly to the fact that nobody in Hollywood likes to use their brain (See any Adam Sandler film for further analysis), they collectively decided that the best thing to do would be to hire an editor to re-cut the film, adding two more scenes that would, get this, feature a mental patient telling the story which would have  made the original film appear to be nothing more than the ravings of a lunatic.  Hollywood, this is why you have no friends.

Lucky for us, Director/Editor Lee Harry (and yes, that is his actual screen credit in the movie), and a team of six writers decided that the movie needed a bit more.  Now, when I say a bit more what I really mean is about 30 minutes of new material.  The rest, as I mentioned above, is nothing but clips from the first movie edited for content.  Wow, it took six writers to come up with that?  Maybe this film was some sort of tax write off…whatever the case, the movie comes across like the equivalent of listening to your drunk Uncle Steve attempt to explain the first film.  It’s now several years later and Billy’s little brother, Ricky, is all grown up and in the nut house.  How he got there is the only real mystery in the movie (Spoiler: He killed lots of people), and is revealed mostly through what I have dubbed “eyebrow acting” and in flashbacks that bring the grand total of Ricky actors to a staggering EIGHT people.  My God, that’s a lot of eyebrow acting.  At one point the film really jumps the rails (and Ricky’s eyebrows threaten to jump off his face), when he decides that he needs to flashback to his first date.  The movie then becomes a love story about a killer Santa for a few minutes.  The best part?  They go to see Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 1 on their first date.  Just when we thought the film had finally stopped showing clips from the first movie, the filmmakers decided that what we really wanted to see was people watching the first film.  God, I love this movie.

Oh, there’s more, but just take my word for it: Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is NOT to be missed.  If you’re a lover of bad films, then this will be like the holy grail for you.  I can’t end this review without mentioning the fact that this film features one of my all time favorite lines and scenes from any movie ever.  The clip from this scene is all over YouTube, but it’s worthless unless you actually made it through the rest of the film.  I guess what I’m saying is that you have to work for it…and believe me: It’s worth every second.  Happy Garbage Day, folks!

Rating:
3 out of 10

In three days: Ricky returns for some more yuletide slayings, but due to the head injury he received in the last film, he now wears his brain in a glass dome.  GENIUS.

Button, button, who’s got the MURDER!  REVIEWED: The Box.  RETRO PICK: Button, Button.  PLUS: Logan faces some touch choices of his own when Ryan presents him with his own series of moral-decision boxes.

Download it.

Subscribe in or via RSS.

Logan and Ryan want to play a game.  A game where they talk about the Saw series as a whole without boring you with the details of any one installment.  Also there will be MURDER.

Download it.

Subscribe in or via RSS.

Zombies.  Am I right?  I tell ya.  REVIEWED: Zombieland.  PLUS: Guess who’s still touring!

Download it.

Subscribe in or via RSS.

Claws Up

• Jackie Earle Haley seems to be playing it pretty well.
• The bed levitation and claw-in-the-tub indicate they’re paying proper homage to the original.
• They’re bringing the nursery rhyme back, complete with creepy jump-roping girls.

Claws Down

• “From Producer Michael Bay”
• “It’s so hot in this fire!  I’d better take off my windbreaker and–BOOM!  Stripey shirt!”
• The implication that Freddy Krueger may be innocent.  Come on, he’s the bastard son of a thousand maniacs.
• The possibility that Freddy Krueger is going to talk like Slingblade the whole movie.

So what do you guys think?  Also, side note, this kid is making a career out of dying.

Bitchiness and bile abounds in CE!’s 30th show.  REVIEWED: Jennifer’s Body.  RETRO PICK: Hook.  PLUS: Zombie Patrick Swayze.

Download it.

Subscribe in or via RSS.

Dead franchises and dead podcasts abound this week as Logan and Ryan look back on the Final Destination series while simultaneously looking back at themselves by way of rare archive recordings of the Final Destination episode of their old show, PodCorn. REVIEWED: The Final Destination and its ilk. PLUS: Weiners.

Download it.

Subscribe in or via RSS.

Gotta love him.

Landis is finally returning to the big screen with the tale of Burke and Hare, two 19th century Irish murders that I recall reading about in this fantastic book. They killed people for the purpose of selling their cadavers to Edinburgh University, and although they got away with it for a year, they were fairly sloppy and obvious about it.

Lots of comic potential there, and I can’t think of anyone better suited to star than Simon Pegg who Landis has apparently secured for either Burke or Hare. No word yet on whether their going the obvious route and grabbing Nick Frost too, but I can’t say I’d be disappointed. Either way, this sounds like a perfect comeback movie for Landis.

[via /Film]

No matter what you think of the Halloween 2 remake (I’m mostly ambivalent), this is some damn fine marketing.

(Hit refresh if it’s no longer animating.)

Now that we’re 24 episodes old, it’s time we thought about sharing our love with someone new. Adoption or threesome, either way works for us. REVIEWED: Orphan. PLUS: Amy Adams in a goatee.

Download it.

Subscribe in or via RSS.

The debut of a brand new feature: the Critical Hit! Critical Hits will be shorter than our regular shows and probably not about a new movie, but something a bit looser or more topical. Like a television show with a recently aired finale. Or in the case of Harper’s Island, a television show with a finale that had recently aired before we took forever to release this episode. Still…Critical Hit!

Download it.

Subscribe in or via RSS.

Everything I know about dancing I learned from repeat viewings of this movie.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter Rating:
Crispin Glover’s “Dead Fuck” Dance Rating:

1. NASCAR? Really, Final Destination series?

2. If you’re going to reference the fact that this is the fourth movie in a series that started ten years ago, why not just call it em>Final Destination 4? My guess? They lost count.

3. “Death saved the best…..FOR 3D!” may be one of the best tag lines ever.

4. NASCAR?! I mean…really? I guess after the roller coaster opening of the third film (meaning that there actually WAS a roller coaster. It wasn’t that exciting), the series had no where else to go except to the thrilling world of NASCAR.

5. NASCAR again. Not to keep driving this point home (pun intended. Zing!), but isn’t this pretty much the same opening as Final Destination 2? You know, the one with all of the cars on the interstate? I think it is. In fact, it looks to me like they just took that opening and CG’d some NASCAR logos in. LAME.

6. I can not wait to see this movie.