Critical End!

If you’ve already listened to me and Logan ramble on about the recent Nightmare on Elm Street remake, and you’re still hungry for more, Arnie Niekamp’s Stupid Nerd podcast rides to the rescue once again.

On the newest episode, I chat about the whole Nightmare series with Arnie and Adal Rifai (who luckily remembered a lot more about the goofy, convoluted details than I did.)

Check it (and all the other great episodes) out on iTunes or listen right here by clicking play below.

[gplayer href=”http://cdn2.libsyn.com/mysterycove/Stupid_Nerd_28_-_Elm_Street.mp3″][/gplayer]

Here are some things that happened recently that I never got around to posting!

"I'd like to run a few wrestling names for myself by you. Now, I've narrowed it down to Luscious Lou' and 'Texas Joe Hotdog'..."

Shia LaBeouf wasn’t thrilled with the last Indiana Jones either, and he refreshingly blames himself.  To be fair, it certainly wasn’t all (or even mostly) his fault.  Uninspired writing and terrible CG did most of the work.  But it’s still nice to read this:

You get to monkey-swinging and things like that and you can blame it on the writer and you can blame it on Steven. But the actor’s job is to make it come alive and make it work, and I couldn’t do it. So that’s my fault. Simple.

Yep...just as I planned it?

Speaking of travesties wrought by George Lucas, the director recently had some words of advice for the produces of Lost:

Congratulations on pulling off an amazing show. Don’t tell anyone … but when ‘Star Wars’ first came out, I didn’t know where it was going either. The trick is to pretend you’ve planned the whole thing out in advance.

It’s nice of him to share his trade secrets, but it seems unnecessary.  From what I’ve heard, the writers of Lost have already usurped Lucas for the title of laziest hacks in the business.

In happier news, Critical End! favorite John Landis is reportedly going forward with a biopic of Bill Gaines, the man behind E.C. Comics and Mad Magazine.  I can’t think of a better director for the project.  Hopefully this, along with Burke and Hare will represent a return to prominence for Landis.

And finally, this re-imagining of the classic Sesame Street Pinball Number Count (AKA “11, 12!”) is a must-see.  Have a great weekend, kids!

It’s been a while since Joe Dante had a hit theatrical release, which is somewhat sad as he shaped a lot of childhood’s in the 80’s and early 90’s with films like Gremlins, Explorers, Innerspace, and yes, even Matinee (Hey, I loved it as a kid).  He tried to bring the same child-like touch to films like Small Solders (loved it) and Looney Tunes: Back in Action (seriously underrated), but has failed to really connect with an audience of either kids or adults for some time now.

Well, it looks like he’s going to take one more shot at it, this time with the writer of Vacancy behind him.  The Hole, despite it’s unfortunate name, looks to be spooky childhood fun along the lines of Dante’s “It’s a Good Life” segment from Twilight Zone: The Movie.  And it’s Dante’s first 3D film to boot!

No word yet on an actual theatrical release, which is sad as we may never see this is in actual 3D.  Until then, I guess we’ll have to look forward to the upcoming 3D remake of Joe’s 1978 cheese classic Piranha in August.

This podcast is your boyfriend now.  REVIEWED: A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010).  PLUS: Trailer talk!

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Here we go again!

According to /Film, everyone’s favorite dread pirate and evil tornado enthusiast has signed on for Saw VII, reprising his role from the original.

It’s easy to see this as a desperate attempt to inject some life into a series that’s been running low on good ideas lately, but the plot–which centers around a support group for Jigsaw survivors–has some potential.  If they manage to get through the whole thing without yet another hackneyed flashback starring Shawnee Smith, I’ll be pleasantly surprised.

"I'm DROWNING in BK Buffalo Sauce®!"

The other would be a Whopper.  I have to admit, this Dubai Burger King ad has won my heart.  It would just be a cheesy tie-in, but the dead girl sells it.  Sure it’s a little odd that Jason was hunting a cheerleader (maybe Crystal Lake reopened as a cheerleader training camp?)  And it’s weird to see him driving, though I’ll let that go since the whole point is how late BK’s drive-thrus are open.

Check out the Chucky, Freddy, and Ghostface variations over at /Film.

Seriously, the man’s face is 85% glasses.  REVIEWED: The Crazies (1973). The Crazies (2010).

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I’ll be the first to admit that this photo really tell us nothing at all about the upcoming John Landis directed Burke and Hare.  Hell, for all we know, it could have been taken while a somewhat fat Simon Pegg and Andy Serkis bar-hopped around London dressed like 19th century Irish murderers.  Whatever the case, these pictures prove that Ryan and I did not invent the John Landis comeback story (or Chevy or Pee-wee for that matter), as some rival websites are now claiming…I’m looking at you, Entertainment Tonight Online Experience.  See all of the pics over at TotalFilm!

Next week on Critical End!…

Get ready for the Oscars, kids!  Oh, and Ryan starts the long road down Alec Baldwin’s “career”!

It’s been a while since we’ve said anything about the upcoming Nightmare on Elm Street remake.  Last we spoke, we were excited, with a slight hint of doubt.  Possibly because we didn’t know much about the actual characters.  Now that the film is only two months away, the first trailer has hit the internet (myspace, to be exact), and it’s somewhat of a downer mostly due to the fact that I feel like I’ve seen most of the film already.  Sure, it’s not as bad as the Death at a Funeral remake, but there’s enough scenes shot the exact same as the original that I’m sure this is going to make a great drinking game for dateless horror nerds.  Judge for yourself and feel free to let us know in the comment section:

A Nightmare on Elm Street Trailer 2 in HD

Trailer Park Movies | MySpace Video

Coooooooooooooooooookie Crisp! REVIEWED: The Wolf Man (1941), The Wolfman (2010).  PLUS: Some creepy stuff.

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Alas, The Descent: Part 2, my theater hardly knew ye. 

After waiting a few years for this follow up, Lionsgate announced yesterday that the sequel will go straight to DVD on April 27.  However, don’t for a second think that this is some made for DVD, shot on DV, crap horror sequel.  The Descent: Part 2 actually had a full theatrical run in it’s native UK.  It opened to mixed reviews from both fans and critics (most point out that the sequel is played mostly for laughs, which is odd as the original was extremely hardcore horror), but for those of you who loved Neil Marshall’s creepy, claustrophobic, and highly original first film, this sequel is a must.

Expect a review as soon as I can get my hands on a copy.  Here’s some info on the DVD.

It’s a slow news day here around the Critical End! offices.  Sure, there are a few things of interest (the final two Harry Potter films will be in 3D, even the director of Saw VII doesn’t want to make a Saw VII, and Avatar has become the number one film of all time), but not much to write home about.

That being said, we’re proud to introduce a new feature: Birthday wishes!  Today’s birthday wish goes out to one of my favorite contemporary directors, Frank Darabont.  You may recall him as the Oscar nominated writer/director of such crowd favorites as The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile.  He then went on to piss everybody off with a depressing little horror film called The Mist.  Chances are you never saw it, because horror films (and films starring Thomas Jane) never get any sort of Oscar buzz.  Shame on you.  

I’ve attached a clip of the birthday boy talking about the original theatrical cut of Blade Runner.  It’s a minute and a half, and if you didn’t catch it on the Blade Runner DVD, it’s very funny and worth a look.

Have a favorite Frankie film or moment?  Share below on the all new “Critical End! Birthday Wall of Coolness!” (which looks amazingly like our standard comment section).  Mr. Darabont is 51 today.

You're gonna to make it after all!

Bruce Campbell has announced that he will star in a follow-up to My Name is Bruce, in which he played a comically exaggerated self-deprecating version of himself that saves a small town from a demon.  In the sequel, Bruce Vs. Frankenstein, he’ll wind up in Europe where he, presumably, will save a small European town from a mad scientist and his monstrous creation.  I’m not sure what got Campbell going on this, but if he wants to remake the rest of Abbott and Costello’s oeuvre while he’s at it (Bruce Campbell Chainsaws the Mummy, Bruce Campbell Wrestles the Invisible Man, The Wistful She-Bitch of Wagon Gap, etc.), I’m completely on board.

Honestly, though, My Name is Bruce wasn’t all that hot.  It was hokey, like a lot of Campbell’s work, but it lacked the Sam Raimi execution that makes that kind of thing work.  And Ted Raimi turned in four performances that made me realize why Sam usually limits him to cameos.  Here’s hoping they pull it off a bit better this time.

[via /Film]

Vampires: Grim and gritty supernatural killers or creepy angsty stalkers?  To make the call, we pit the Spierig Brothers’ latest against a movie we never thought we’d see.  As Bela Lugosi put it, “I have never met a vampire personally, but I don’t know what might happen tomorrow.”  REVIEWED: Daybreakers, *cough*Twilight*cough*

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It’s once again that time of year when families gather around the warm glow of the television and watch such holiday classics as It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, Home Alone, and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation to name a few.  Sure, your pals here at Critical End! watch those too, but when the hour grows late, the fire has died down, and the kids from Ryan’s third marriage have all gone to bed, that’s when the real Christmas fun begins.  Logan mixes his “special” eggnog (Ingredients: Eggnog, mostly booze), while Ryan warms up the DVD player for those holiday slasher films known as Silent Night, Deadly Night.  This year, in honor of the birth of Christ our savior (Okay, and the release of Parts 3 to 5 on DVD), we thought we’d let Logan share his opinion on each film in a special 5 part series each week until Christmas. 

This week Logan concludes with a look at Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker. 

Body Count: 4?  Boring!

Best Death Scene: A worm-like toy called, and I swear I’m not making this up, “Larry the Larvae”, crawls into a guys mouth and later explodes out of his eye socket…then his car blows up.  Talk about a rough day…

Looking back now in retrospect, if I knew that the Silent Night, Deadly Night series was going to completely suck, I wouldn’t have told you that the earlier movies sucked.  Just when I thought that I had expierenced the most suckage that I could from the series, I had to go and ruin it by watching parts 3 to 5…and to think that I waited all this time just to buy these last three films on DVD.  There’s a simple reason why they took so long to come out: Because these films should be destroyed.  Yes, when I started this whole mess I never thought that I would side with Mickey Rooney, but now I see how right he was!  The only problem: By the time Part 5 came out, even Mickey Rooney had forgotten how right he was.

Some of you horror nerds may know the name Brian Yuzna as the writer/director of the last two Re-Animator movies.  Remember after you saw the first Re-Animator (he had nothing to do with it) and you had high hopes for all of the sequels?  Well, don’t worry, as he went on to ruin the Silent Night, Deadly Night series as well.  Granted, this series never had the amazingly awesome Jeffrey Combs to keep it slightly afloat (Can you imagine him as a killer Santa?  Somebody write that movie!), in fact, now that I think about it, Yuzna turned Clint Howard into the star of these last two films.  Doesn’t that just say it all?

I think this picture says it all.

But I promised a review, so I’ll attempt to deliver one: Mickey Rooney, despite his hatred of the 1984 original film’s portrayal of a killer Santa Claus, shows up as the killer Santa in this one.  Of course, this isn’t until the last 15 minutes of the film.  By that point the viewer has been forced to sit through some cocktail napkin plot that plays out like a soap opera.  Why won’t little Derek talk?  Who is his real dad?  Why is he the same boy who played little Bill in Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey?  Is he supposed to be Bill in this movie too?  Why is Mickey Rooney so fat?  Did they pay him entirely in hoagies?  If so, I wonder how much that many hoagies would cost?  By the time you learn the answers to most of these questions, you no longer care.  Oh, and it turns out that Mickey Rooney wasn’t even the killer Santa…a robot Mickey Rooney was.  How’s that for a twist ending?

So where does this film fall in the entire series?  Flat on it’s fat ol’ bloated Mickey Rooney/Clint Howard dildo wearing face, that’s where.  Granted, this is where the last three films have mostly landed as well, but I really wanted to type the words “Clint Howard” and “dildo” again.  It really brought a lot of traffic to the site when I did it last week.  Anyway, my final thoughts on the Silent Night, Deadly Night series are thus: Watch the second one only…and only if you’re REALLY in need of a Christmas film…and drunk…and blind…and mostly deaf in both ears…you know, come to think of it, you may want to avoid Christmas altogether this year so you don’t accidentally see any of these movies…Clint Howard dildo.

 Rating:
2 out of 10

Series Average:
Rating:
3 out of 10

I really hope that you guys and gals enjoyed this series.  As always, we love your thoughts, requests, and comments on anything we do here at Critical End!  Have a great holiday.