Honestly, I’m beginning to think the joke’s on me. There’s no way that anyone could think this shit looks watchable in the first place, but then they twist the knife even more with a terrifying CG dog dance, and the most overused licensed music in trailer history.
I feel like I’m going to show up at the Marmaduke premiere to discover that it’s actually a big, twisted surprise party for me like at the end of The Game. “You bought the whole Marmaduke thing?! We thought for sure you’d figure it out!” And then I commit suicide. It’s not exactly like The Game.
Hey kids! Let’s play “Make it Better!” Here’s how: First, we take a look at this production still:
Now we pretend that it isn’t from the upcoming Little Fockers, a movie that may officially be a bigger cash grab than Night at the Museum 2: Battle for the Smithsonian (current Critical End! cash grab champ), but instead from a better movie that we make up to work through the pain. I’ll start!
Robert De Niro and his son Ben Stiller haven’t always gotten along, but when Robert De Niro’s ski resort hits hard times, he guilts Ben Stiller into coming back to Colorado to help out the family business. But everything’s turned upside down when Ben Stiller is injured in a freak avalanche and loses his memory! Now, Robert De Niro must take Ben Stiller on a wacky cross-country road trip, visiting every contact in Ben Stiller’s phone in a desperate attempt to help his son remember his life.
The above still is from the pivotal scene in which the pair visit Harvey Keitel, a small-time jewel thief with whom Robert De Niro is shocked to learn Ben Stiller was working. And boy is Harvey Keitel mad about all the jewels Ben Stiller doesn’t remember stealing from him! Coming this Thanksgiving: Pieces of Cake.
I forgot to mention their last name in the movie is Cake. Also, Owen Wilson co-stars as a Sears mannequin. Your turn!
Oh, funny Owen Wilson, how I will miss you. There was a time when you were co-writing critically acclaimed films like Bottle Rocket and Rushmore, then making me laugh while you kicked some ass in films like Shanghi Noon. Now look at you: Voicing a CGI Marmaduke in the upcoming comic strip adaptation. Sigh. Maybe you’ve been spending too much time swimming nude with your buddy Woody Harrelson…or maybe it’s all of the pot. Hmmm. The pot would at least explain why you’ve had the same haircut since 1997. Oh well. Perhaps the death of your comedic talent is for the best. It was either this or another Meet the Parents film, right? Wait…you’re doing one of those as well? Double sigh.
I leave you with what I SWEAR is today’s (November 5, 2009) Marmaduke comic. I can only hope that the movie might feature slightly more timely comedy.
