Nursery Crimes II: This Little Piggy Went to Hell
Remember last year when we heard that Adam Sandler would play both Jack and Jill in a romantic comedy of the same name? That’s still a thing. I’ve learned from I Watch Stuff that Katie Holmes is being groomed for the role of Jack’s wife, which at least means we can all thank God that Sandler will not be shamelessly wooing himself on film.
But the real tragedy here is that while Jack and Jill is an actual multi-million dollar film, my pitch for the Dane Cook vehicle Old Mother Hubbard (Dane Cook must disguise himself as his own grandmother while still trying to score with the chick from Twilight) is still languishing in development hell! By which I mean Peter Segal hasn’t called me back yet. So I’ve decided that every time I read another stupid piece of news about Jack and Jill, I’ll churn out another “Nursery Rhyme Title as Raunchy Romantic Comedy” premise. Eventually, Hollywood’s sure to snap one up. Here’s my latest:
Jonah Hill stars as college senior Peter Peter. He’s about to graduate and he still hasn’t got up the nerve to ask out the hottest girl on campus (played by whoever almost wins this season of The Bachelor). His love life isn’t helped by his terrible allergy to pumpkin, which–instead of giving him a rash or killing him–causes him to launch involuntarily into a series of hilarious, and often racist, character voices. When the hotty dares him to eat 100 pumpkin pies before graduation, with a night of passion as the prize, Peter’s got no choice but to grab the Cool Whip and hope his uncontrollable alter egos don’t get him into too much trouble!
Done. Money in the bank.