Apr 1 2011

Friday Roundup: No Joke Edition


Happy April Fool’s Day, kids!  To celebrate, here are some stories that should be jokes, but (as far as I know) are 100% true:

Arnold Schwarzenegger is teaming up with obviously bored comics giant Stan Lee to produce The Governator, a comic book/animated series starring Arnold as himself. Except in this version he quits politics to become a super strong action spy crimefighter, unlike the real world where he quit politics to do an embarrassingly self-aggrandizing comic book/animated series. Now, this news COULD be a joke perpetrated by Entertainment Weekly, but so many sites have reported it as true, that I decided to jump on the bandwagon. Mostly so I could post another clip of Stan Lee’s last infamous collaboration with a celebrity:

In other famous person team-up news, here’s a story that’s been kicking around for awhile, but has seen a recent resurgence: Stephen King and John (Sexy Cougar) Mellencamp are working on a musical called Ghost Brothers of Darkland County. Have we learned NOTHING from Spider-Man, people? If you’re doing a musical, get someone who writes musicals, not a washed up rock star. Although, I have to admit I’d love to see Ringo Starr do a modern stage adaptation of the Paul Bunyan story. I think it might go a little something like this:

Finally, James Cameron has revealed his next big innovation in filmmaking: using more film. Cameron’s convinced that shooting film at higher frame rates will blow audiences away. Sure, more frames per second adds up to a clearer picture and smoother movement (see modern videogames which almost all average more than cinema’s 24fps), but I still find it funny that the guy who taught us that action films could have decent scripts (Terminator, Aliens) has completely abandoned story in favor of visuals. “MORE PICTURES! DELIVERED FASTER TO YOUR BRAIN! WHAT DO YOU MEAN AVATAR WAS DERIVATIVE? IT WAS SO PRETTY!”

Have a good weekend!

Sep 22 2010

True Lies Sequel Actually an Upcoming ABC TV Series


Big deal, it's been adapted before.

There have been rumors to this affect for a while now, but it appears that it’s now somewhat confirmed.  The James Cameron/Schwarzenegger classic True Lies will be morphed into a prime time TV series for ABC.

Honestly, I’m excited to see what they come up with.  The spy-with-a-family-life premise still has some juice (though, J.J. Abrams’ Undercovers is treading very similar ground), and Cameron is no stranger to producing TV shows, though they haven’t traditionally lasted very long.  Let’s just hope we don’t all have to buy 3D televisions to watch this.

The big question mark is who will take over Arnold’s role.  My pick?  Arnold.  But that’s mostly because I’m anxious to see him get back to acting.  He could at least cameo as a rival spy or something, right?  Ease back into things a bit.  Actually, rebooting old Arnold movies as TV shows could be a great new trend!  Imagine Last Action Hero as a Saturday morning cartoon.  Each episode, Arnold and the kid go on a new crazy adventure in a different movie.  It’ll be like the animated version of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventures but without all the annoying, government-mandated learning!

Sep 15 2010

Critical End! (The Podcast) #66: Turn that sexiness down


Let a Milla Jovovich be your umbrella. REVIEWED: Resident Evil, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Resident Evil: Extinction, Resident Evil: Afterlife.

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Sep 3 2010

Everybody’s Laboring for the Weekend


With Labor Day weekend at hand, I thought I’d cram a lot of awesomness into one mega post.

First up, James Cameron thinks he owns the concept of 3D and takes it upon himself to call out Piranha 3D as “exactly an example of what we should not be doing in 3-D.”  This prompts Piranha producer Mark Canton to point out that not everyone can “take ten years using other people’s money to make and market a film.”  All I can say is that there was ritual mating in both movies and the fish film did it right.

Shamelessly stolen from cbsnews.com

Elsewhere, I Watch Stuff reports that CBS reports that 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair report that nobody gives a crap how evil Mel Gibson is.  76% of those polled said that the scandal would have no effect on their likelihood of seeing a new Mel Gibson movie. If America can separate Gibson the man from Gibson the actor, I suppose I can start going back to my favorite Starbucks, despite that one barista’s outspoken views on abortion.

Here’s Doctor Who favorite David Tennant from the upcoming remake of Fright Night.  I’ve never seen the original, but you can pretty much take any beloved genre actor and cast them as a magician and I’ll see that movie.  Just ask The Prestige.

Speaking of awe-inspiring images, Juan Pablo Bravo made a HUGE size-comparison chart of just about any Hanna-Barbera character you can think of, 600 in all.  Click the tiny sample below for the full shebang.

Almost as cool as knowing the exact relative heights of the Hair Bear Bunch, is Conan O’Brien announcing the name of his new TBS show.  It’s a good thing he’s getting back to work.  With that beard, he looks like he’d be on the streets with a beaver puppet, leaving angry voicemails for Oksana Grigorieva if he didn’t have something to keep him busy.

And finally, let’s usher in the holiday weekend with everybody’s favorite weekend activity.  DANCE PARTY!

Happy Labor Day, folks.

Aug 25 2010

Critical End! (The Podcast) #63: Down Deep

Joe Dante, James Cameron, and Roger Corman.  Guess which one doesn’t have an Oscar. Wrong! REVIEWED: Piranha, Piranha 2: The Spawning, Piranha 3D. PLUS: 3D Trailer Talk and the Ultimate Dolph Lundgren Fan.

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Jun 10 2010

Final Destination 5: The Final Destination 2

When he’s not busy reinventing 3D technology, fixing oil spills, and rewriting the script to Ferngully, it seems that James Cameron is finding new ways to revive the endless Final Destination series.  Case in point: Cameron has recommended his second unit director (who has been with him since The Abyss) to New Line Cinema as the director of the upcoming Final Destination 5.

Gee.  Thanks, James.

While this news is a bit strange, I find it even weirder that they’re making a Final Destination 5.  I can only assume that it’s going to be a retelling of Disney’s Pocahontas, with a strong green message at it’s roots.  Zing!

via CHUD

Mar 30 2010

This Just in: “Avatar” Continues to Suck!

It doesn’t surprise me that James Cameron and FOX are releasing Avatar on DVD and Blu-Ray on Earth Day.  Despite the fact that Cameron’s past explosion-filled films most likely accounted for more carbon emissions over the last few decades than Al Gore’s house in one summer, Cameron obviously realizes that there’s money to be made in this whole green movement.  Nevermind that the DVD and Blu-Ray are both bare bones, I must support Mother Earth by buying James Cameron’s Avatar on Earth Day!  That will show those evil Republicans!

As for the rest of us: Cameron himself is already talking up two, yes, freakin’ TWO, other editions that are going to come out later this year if you think you can wait that long to support this amazing grassroots movement…oh, and Cameron’s bank account.  Because let’s face it: That new back deck overlooking the slums isn’t going to build itself now, is it?

Avatar hits DVD/Blu-Ray on April 22nd…which is also Earth Day…hippie.

Jan 29 2010

Cameron to Taiwan: Your Lives are Forfeit


What were James Cameron’s true goals as he toiled away for ten years in his basement, developing the technology that would one day make us fall in love with Panthro and Cheetara’s love children?  Sure, he wanted to make strides in CG and 3D immersion, but could he also have been plotting to create a movie that would be exciting enough…TO KILL?!

Probably not.  But much like the foolish military that funded Skynet, Cameron has become complicit in the death of a (presumably) kindly old Taiwanese man who, doctors say, was so fucking blown away by the film that he had a brain hemorrhage and later died.  Science hasn’t yet advanced far enough to provide a record of his final thoughts.  But my guess is he died just as he was thinking “Wait, this is basically Dances with FernGully–ERK!”

Of course there was one thing FernGully had that Avatar was missing:

Man Dies After Watching Avatar | /Film

Jan 7 2010

It’s Like FernGully, But With More Sex

Hey, ladies...come a little closer and let me link my ponytail to your banshee.

I can’t quite explain why Avatar is still number one at the box office and is well on its way to breaking records.  I also can’t explain why a lot of this is apparently due to repeat business.  Do people really want to sit through that film twice?  All 162 minutes of it?  Sigh.

Whatever the case may be (Personally?  I think that a lot of people are just plain dumb, but what do I know?), Cameron has announced a longer version of the film when it finally reaches DVD/Blu-Ray.  I’m sure this makes a lot of you dateless losers very excited, but before you go pitching a tent in your pants, consider this great quote from Cameron in regards to the laughable sex scene that was merely hinted at in the theatrical version:

“We had it in and we cut it out. So that will be something for the special edition DVD, if you want to see how they have sex.”

Yes, that is a actual quote from Cameron…and he’s not kidding.  I couldn’t make this crap up.  CHUD has the full story, which goes into slightly more detail.

You are now free to pitch that tent…perv.

May 30 2009

Critical End! (The Podcast) #16: One More Chip


Wash day tomorrow? Nothing clean, right? REVIEWED: The Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgement Day, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Terminator Salvation.

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