Critical End!

If The Woman in Black proved anything, it’s that I want to see those scrappy little Harry Potter kids cleaned up and out there acting their magic-infused little hearts out, God bless ’em.  Daniel Radcliffe has already had a few other things up his sleeve, such as performing nude in New York and becoming a teen alcoholic.  Emma Watson has managed to branch out by cutting her hair and dropping out of college. 

But what of Rupert Grint?  I remember back in the day discussing the future of his career with Ryan.  We both guessed that he would go on to be an enjoyable comedic actor of limited range.  However, Harry Potter has now come to an end, and Rupert has yet to have any crazy tabloid moments, let alone that major “I’m a real actor now” moment.  

Well, Rupert, I just thought I’d let you know that all of your pals at Critical End! are waiting.  We know your big moment is coming, it’s just a matter of time.  Sure, some people say that you don’t have a career because, well, you’re kinda ugly.  But us?  We say, sure, that’s actually true.  But some girls dig pale, red-headed, freckled love machines like yourself.  So, chin up, Rupert!

Listen, I think my old college pal Parry Gripp said it best:

via Parry Gripp

If the world lost anything when Michael Jackson died, it was its sense of humor.

I can hear you now:  “How dare he!  Just who does he think he is?!  A big jerk, that’s who I think he is!  Logan Lee?  Sounds like a jerk name to me, the lame jerky jerk pants!”

Are you done?  Good.  Because, truth be told, you know I’m right.  I had friends who were cracking Michael Jackson jokes with the best of them one day, then praising him for everything short of inventing Eggies the next.  How did this guy go from being that weird, used-to-be-black-but-I-swear-I-just-turned-this-shade-of-white-pedaphile one day, to being somebody that never did any wrong the next?  Listen, I’m all for remembering Jackson fondly, but let’s not forget that he was fucking crazy.

Which is why I’m kicking off my official remembrance of Whitney (or as I like to call it: “RIP Whitney Houston: Memories of a Fucking Crazy Broad”), with the one thing that I thought of as soon as I heard about her untimely death.

Goodbye, Whitney.  May you live on forever in the YouTube clips of our hearts.

I trust you all had a great weekend.  Ryan and I spent most of it cleaning out the ol’ “Critical End Podcast Theater” (or, as it’s officially called, “The Tim Burton’s Career Pre-Planet of the Apes Memorial Theater”) in order to get ready for the recording of our big “Best and Worst of 2011” show tonight.  Unfortunately, all the imaginary tickets to the event sold out months ago.  However, no worries as you’ll be able to download the full show soon enough.

Speaking of sold out events, we’re also proud to announce our annual “Critical End! Oscar Live Blog 2012!”  Granted, things may be a bit harder this year as the Oscars had to go and finally get a competent host, but seeing that this is our fourth year of doing this thing, I’m sure we’ve got lots of past zingers built up to please both young and old.

Expect to hear more news about both of these things in the upcoming days! 

Oscar host Billy Crystal (with CGI Jack Palance) on the set of "City Slickers 3: Throw Curly From the Train"

Watch this:

Funny stuff, right?  And that joke about the leper boat?  Gets me every time.  But you know who’s not laughing?

Lepers.

That’s right.  Pirates animation company Aardman is altering that scene in their upcoming film due to objections from leprosy groups.  My first reaction to this was “Lepers still exist…and they have groups?”  My second reaction was to seriously start thinking about which of my friends may be lepers (I’m looking at you, Deb).  My final reaction, and the most important one, was “THE FUCKING HELL?!”

Have we really become so politically correct that we now have to worry about offending lepers?  If it’s gotten to the point that we can’t even make fun of the damn lepers, than who are we allowed to make fun of? 

Well, I’m putting a stop to this right now.  You know what?  Fuck you, lepers.  I’d say that I wish you’d contact some hideous disease and die, but you’re already a goddamn leper.  At least stop complaining about children’s films long enough so you can hear me laughing at you.

Yeah, I made up the “sexually” part up, but it got you reading this, so why stop now?

Many of you long time readers may recall me practically begging Adam Green to make several sequels to his throwback horror film Hatchet.  Then he went and made Hatchet II and I mostly complained.  It wasn’t flat-out terrible, but I think it’s now safe to say that it was overall disappointing. 

Then, in an obvious bid to keep me in his good graces, Green made what may end up being one of my favorite films of 2011, Chillerama.  His segment in Chillerama, entitled The Diary of Anne Frankenstein, is one of the funniest spoofs I’ve seen in a very long time, and well worth the price of the DVD.  Not only that, but on the bonus features Green hints at what we were all thinking: Hatchet II was a disappointment. 

Which brings us to this weekend.  Green posted the following picture on his Facebook page late Friday night:

Oh, Adam, you tease, you.  Now all you have to do is get the original Marybeth back and then just tell me where to insert my money.  If you need me I’ll be over there.

Just a quick reminder that there won’t be a post tomorrow due to the holiday.  Well, that and we’ll most likely still be recovering from the premiere of the Napoleon Dynamite animated series tonight.  See you Wednesday!

As Critical End! enters its fourth year, one thing that never ceases to amaze us is the sheer amount of mail that we receive every day.  While the majority of these letters are read by our secretaries and receive a quick response, it’s worth noting that there are several others that we simply ignore.  Why?  Well, to put it mildly, we have discovered that some of our readers are fucking nut jobs.  The letters from these fans get tossed into what we call the Critical End! “Slush Pile”.  Ryan and I have talked, and we both agree that the time as come to open up that file for the fans to read, and perhaps even to respond to as us.  Here are just a few samples of what we have dealt with for the past few years.  Enjoy.

Gentlemen:
Loved episode 100 of your podcast.  However, why didn’t you review my suggestion of every known atom in the universe?  Please advise.
Matthew Dodds

Gentelmen:
Thank you for your kind words about my latest film Father Issues, Static Shots, and Bill Murray.  I especally enjoyed your praise of Owen Wilson’s new haircut.  Hope you’re already looking forward to my next film, Animated Father Issues, Static Shots, and Bill Murray.
Wes Anderson

Gentlemen:
What was with all the talk a few months back about Logan rocking the jukebox?  Listen, I know Logan, and while we might not be best friends or anything, I have seen him around plenty of jukeboxes.  I can assure you that there was a complete lack of rocking.  Now Ryan on the other hand!  There’s a guy who knows how to rock a jukebox or two!
Sandy Miller 

Gentlemen:
I’m getting really sick of all those internet blog rumors about me being gay.  Grow up, bloggers!  Unrelated: If John Woo ever offers to blow you in return for the rights to a Mission: Impossible sequel, just say no.  Besides, J.J. Abrams gives much better head anyway.
Tom Cruise

Gentlemen:
I’m listening to some of your old podcasts and just realized that you guys paid money to see He’s Just Not That Into You in theaters.  Fags.
David Shipler

Gentlemen:
Why is it that everybody wants to know about Ghostbusters 3 but nobody ever asks me about Nothing but Trouble 2?  For the curious, the script is ready and now it’s just a matter of getting Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, and the ghosts of John Candy and Tupac Shakur to sign on.
Dan Aykroyd

Gentlemen:
I must say that I’d like your website a lot more if you got rid of Ryan and replaced him with a pretty, free spirited, blonde coed with big boobs.
Logan Lee

Gentlemen:
Since the only thing I’ve ever done that anybody liked was apologizing for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I’d like to take this opportunity to also apologize for the following: Everything I’ve ever done except season 2 of Even Stevens.  Friends again?
Shia LaBeouf

Gentlemen:
Reading your post from Monday, Janurary 9th.  This slush pile shit is cracking me up!  Just thought I’d drop you a quick letter to let you know how much I love the new feature.  Keep the yuks coming!  Fags. 
David Shipler

What’s that you say?  2010 was the year we made contact?  No no.  I was talking about that other movie, Contact.  You know, the one with Matthew McConaughey.  Not that movie 2010: The Year We Make Contact.  I was just saying that 2012 is the year that Hollywood plans to…uh…remake Contact.  Yeah, that’s exactly what I was saying.  Shut up.  I should know what I’m talking about. I happen to run a movie blog. 

Speaking of which, we’re back!  That’s right, and all of your favorite CE! contributors are here!  There’s me.  You remember me, right?  I mostly post about Chevy Chase and complain about how remakes are dumb and so are today’s teens.  What with their Facebooks, Rock ‘n’ Roll High Schools, and Crispin Glover fan clubs.  I plan to complain about all of this and more every Monday. 

And then there’s Ryan as well.  I’d venture to say that he’s more in touch with what’s “hip” and “happening” and even go as far as to say that he’s got his “finger on the pulse of America’s youth”, which he’s still facing some jail time for in several states.  You’ll hear from him every Wednesday.

Finally, we have the original CE! Podcast, which you’ll be able to catch every so often on Fridays.  Can you believe that li’l stinker is 100 episodes old?  Talk about something that should have died around episode 15!  Am I right or am I right?

So there’s your sneak peak at what you have to look forward to this year at Critical End!  Pretty neat stuff, right?  Now, without further ado, let’s get the old ball rolling with today’s news!  That’s right, it’s the first news we’re reporting of 2012 and it’s coming up right now!  Look out!  Here it comes!  Take it away, Logan!

There is no news today.

Happy Thanksgiving week!  We hope you’re still digesting all two hours of our hundredth episode while simultaneously preparing your stomach for Aunt Margret’s gravy-like substance.  Critical End! will continue to enjoy some time off, but be sure to keep an eye this space for some announcements on what we have in store for the upcoming new year!

Until then, why not go ahead and crack open that case of Stroh’s you’re saving for that post-Thanksgiving football game and check out CritEnd horror/comedy fav ThanksKilling.  Now newly available on DVD!

Happy Thanksgiving, gang!

Hi! I'm Christina Ricci and this picture may or may not have something to do with this post. You'll have to read it to find out, you hunk of man cheese, you!

Sorry folks, it’s not the very talented Ms. Ricci.  Nor is it that guy with the website that photoshops Ryan’s head on to Christina Ricci’s body…although I tend to find myself returning to his site on many a lonely night.

I’m actually talking about Gabriel Ruzin over at Shadowlocked who has written an excellent article comparing recent Chevy Chase comments on Vacation and Fletch reboots to Bill Murray’s assholeness.  Obviously, I couldn’t agree more.

Check it out.   

Can you believe that Sir Sean Connery is 81 today?!  I’m going to celebrate by watching Dr. No (which itself turns 50 next year) and by taking my annual to pilgrimage to Tallinn, Estonia to pay my respects to their Sean Connery bronze statue.  Seriously.  In fact, here’s a photo of me on last years pilgrimage:

It was so cold!

Happy birthday, Sean!

Such seems to be the case with Landis’ Burke and Hare which now has a trailer and a small US release next month.  Let’s take a look:

Yup. Just about. Let’s hope that this trailer, which mostly consists of poop jokes, isn’t any indication of what the movie is really like. I was so hoping to be excited about this.

What's that? You say this isn't a picture of Bruce Willis? Oh. Rumer Willis? What the hell is a Rumer Willis?

Remember how excited you were about Live Free or Die Hard?  The teaser trailer, with it’s rockin’ version of “God Bless America”, made it seem like John McClane was back and as ready to kick some ass as before.  However, things turned sour pretty fast.  Bruce Willis was playing now McClane as “Old Man Bruce Willis”, Justin Long was no Sam Jackson, Kevin Smith showed up for some reason, and finally, the final stab to fans hearts, a PG-13 rating.

Okay, so honestly, it wasn’t that bad.  The R rated cut that later showed up on DVD made it more enjoyable, but let’s not kid ourselves: It mostly fell into the “Unnecessary Sequel” category.  But that was that.  I’ve moved on and so has Bruce’s career (kinda). 

But wait!  Hollywood has more to say!  The internet is abuzz with talk of Die Hard 5, and it looks like we’re finally getting plot details.  So what’s it all about?  Well…do you remember John McClane, Jr.?  You know, Bruce’s son that we saw for maybe fifteen seconds in the first film and was later mentioned in passing in Live Free or Die Hard?  Yeah, he’s taking over the series.  You read that right.  The plot of Die Hard 5 will feature John and John Jr. both having a pretty rough day.  Oh, and in Russia for some reason.

I can only assume that the studio is currently shopping for such fine modern thespians as Channing Tatum, Paul Walker, Justin Long, James Franco, or (dare I say it), Seth Rogan.  That’s right, I went there.  Who knows?  Maybe they’ll even go younger to pull in the tween crowd.  I hear Justin Bieber is looking to break into movies.  “Yippie-ki-yay, featherplucker”, anyone?

I’ll keep an eye on this for you all.  Until then, I’m going to go calm down by watching Die Hard with a Vengeance.  Now that’s a Die Hard movie.

In a perfect world I would be roommates with Joe Dante.  Obviously, this would lead to all sorts of wacky sitcom style hijinks (I would accidentally set fire to Joe’s rare copy of Hellzapoppin’, Joe would ruin my dinner with Roger Corman by informing him that I’m not actually Paul Bartel’s son), but the best part would be our goofy lug of a next door neighbor, John Landis.  He would always be walking in unannounced and saying all of the wrong things to the dates we brought home.  Now that I think about it, here’s a clip from that show:

All kidding aside: That show I just pitched needs to happen. Joe, if you’re reading this, call me. I work cheap.

It is with tears of joy that I bring you the following news:

When I’m finally holding this in my sweaty, Ben Savage-lovin’ hands, this will mean that over a decade of waiting has come to an end.  Whatever will I do with myself now?