May 22 2010

Upend Weekdate

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Here are some things that happened recently that I never got around to posting!

"I'd like to run a few wrestling names for myself by you. Now, I've narrowed it down to Luscious Lou' and 'Texas Joe Hotdog'..."

Shia LaBeouf wasn’t thrilled with the last Indiana Jones either, and he refreshingly blames himself.  To be fair, it certainly wasn’t all (or even mostly) his fault.  Uninspired writing and terrible CG did most of the work.  But it’s still nice to read this:

You get to monkey-swinging and things like that and you can blame it on the writer and you can blame it on Steven. But the actor’s job is to make it come alive and make it work, and I couldn’t do it. So that’s my fault. Simple.

Yep...just as I planned it?

Speaking of travesties wrought by George Lucas, the director recently had some words of advice for the produces of Lost:

Congratulations on pulling off an amazing show. Don’t tell anyone … but when ‘Star Wars’ first came out, I didn’t know where it was going either. The trick is to pretend you’ve planned the whole thing out in advance.

It’s nice of him to share his trade secrets, but it seems unnecessary.  From what I’ve heard, the writers of Lost have already usurped Lucas for the title of laziest hacks in the business.

In happier news, Critical End! favorite John Landis is reportedly going forward with a biopic of Bill Gaines, the man behind E.C. Comics and Mad Magazine.  I can’t think of a better director for the project.  Hopefully this, along with Burke and Hare will represent a return to prominence for Landis.

And finally, this re-imagining of the classic Sesame Street Pinball Number Count (AKA “11, 12!”) is a must-see.  Have a great weekend, kids!



Apr 21 2010

Men (and probably dog) to Wear Black for Third Time

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Dogs don't wear suits!

Like many, I came out of Men In Black II disappointed.  The story was kind of lame, Tommy Lee Jones’s reintroduction could have been much more epic, and it suffered from trying to cram in every character from the first film.  I think I’m going to start calling that “Crank 2 Syndrome”.

In any case, I still thought the series had potential, which is why it’s good to hear that both Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones have agreed to a third film.  Here’s the thing, though:  Without the dynamic of introducing a new recruit to the Men In Black (which both movies used), what’s this movie going to be about?  Maybe they’ll be forced to make the plot itself interesting.  Or perhaps they’ll just write in a new rookie agent, treating us once again to the classic “small gun is surprisingly dangerous” bit.

Oh, and it’s in 3D.


Mar 31 2010

Critical End! (The Podcast) #49: Hence Begins the Circles

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No, this does not mean we’ll stop talking about Chevy Chase. REVIEWED: Hot Tub Time Machine PLUS: Chevy Chase!

Download it.

 

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Mar 24 2010

WEIRD

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Brilliant.


Mar 19 2010

Futurama Back on TV in June

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I, like all right-thinking people, love Futurama.  It’s up there with Mystery Science Theater 3000 as one of the best shows to ever grace the air waves.  So when they recently got the band back together for four direct to DVD movies, I was pretty psyched.

But here’s a secret for you.  It’s not one I like to spread around, so lean in close now…

The movies weren’t very good.

I know!  I shouldn’t look a “gift space cow” in the mouth, but the movies were far inferior to any episode of the show.  I think it was partly due to the difficulties inherent in adapting a TV show into a movie, and partly due to the fact that each movie only had one or two writers, as opposed to the entire writer’s room worth of ideas the series had.

Either way, the DVDs were a success and the show is returning with new episodes on Comedy Central this June!  I’m a little wary, but very excited to see it return to the more familiar format.  And while this teaser isn’t particularly funny (same joke they did in the first comeback movie), you should still watch it and get your expectations unreasonably high with me!

Futurama Weeknights, 9p/8c
New Episodes on Comedy Central
www.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

Mar 1 2010

Alec Baldwin Home School: Forever, Lulu

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Alec Baldwin Cat in the Hat

"I have to go. My planet needs me."

Not too long ago, Alec Baldwin mentioned in an interview that he was retiring from acting. His exact words were:

“I consider my entire movie career a complete failure. The goal of movie-making is to star in a film where your performance drives the film, and the film is either a soaring critical or commercial success, and I never had that.”

Could this really be true? Not about the retirement, I predict he’ll pull a Dan Aykroyd in no time. I mean could Baldwin be right about his career? The guy’s been a name forever; certainly he must have turned in at least one outstanding performance.

Well, we’re going to find out in a new Critical End! feature that Logan and I are calling Home School. A Home School will be a series of posts that takes a chronological look at a group of related films. This could be a bunch of sequels like the Friday the 13th films, or the catalog of a particular actor or director. By the end, we’ll have taken an interesting little journey, obtained some perspective on the subject matter, and likely filled in some gaps in our cinematic education. All from the comfort of our couches (hence “Home School”). This inaugural installment will explore the entirety of Alec Baldwin’s catalog in an attempt to test the actor’s own hypothesis that he’s never done anything worthwhile. Join us, won’t you?

Alec Baldwin Home School: Forever, Lulu (1987)
Not to be confused with the Melanie Griffith/Patrick Swayze movie of the same name, Forever, Lulu (AKA Crazy Streets) is the 1987 comedy that marks the feature film debut of one Alec Baldwin. According to IMDb, he’d been floating around TV since 1980, most notably on Knots Landing. But since that season isn’t on DVD yet, we’re going to keep things simple and start here. Joining Alec is Debbie Harry of Blondie fame, and Hanna Schygulla, who I’d never heard of, but is apparently an incredibly well known German actress. See? We’re learning things already.

The Film
Forever, LuluSchygulla stars as Elaine, a wannabe author living in New York. Her sleazy manager won’t publish her novel because it’s not sexy enough, but she refuses to compromise her artistic vision, even though she’s down to her last nickel. She’s so destitute that she ends up taking a job writing the script for a porn movie just to make ends meet. Not a bad premise for a late 80s comedy. Except that’s apparently not the premise.

I guess she finishes the porn script off-camera, because it’s barely mentioned again. Instead, we get scene after scene of Elaine’s miserable existence. She sulks in her shitty apartment, gets grifted by a con artist, and complains about her love life to her annoying gal-pal sidekick who is NOT Debbie Harry. Occasionally, Debbie shows up in the periphery to stare knowingly and say absolutely nothing. It’s as if she’s in the talky introduction of a music video and she’s waiting for her cue to break into song.

Finally, more than 20 minutes in (and not a Baldwin in sight), Elaine grabs a gun and prepares to blow her brains out. Unfortunately, she’s interrupted by a phone call to go on a blind date. She agrees, but the date goes so poorly that she ends up running into the street, waving her gun in the air, and yelling about her crappy life. An approaching couple mistakenly thinks she’s mugging them, so they give her their coats and run. In the pockets, she finds a picture of Debbie Harry signed “Forever, Lulu” and a mysterious address.  Now, the story begins!

Alec Baldwin young and hairy

There is no visual record of "Buck", so enjoy this picture of a young Baldwin posing for Young and Hairy Quarterly.

Well, kind of. First we get several more boring scenes of Elaine whining indecisively and parading around in her stolen mink coat. Some goon recognizes the coat (I think?) and tries to mug her, but she’s rescued handily by Buck, a strapping NYC cop portrayed by, you guessed it, Alec Baldwin. We’re 28 minutes in, but our hero has finally arrived to awkwardly hit on Elaine, get rejected, and then disappear again for most of the film.

Then a bunch of other crap happens. She goes to the address, witnesses a murder, and ends up stealing a briefcase full of money from the mob. So the mob’s looking for her and she’s got to decide what to do with the cash. It’s been like 45 minutes at this point, and I THINK this is now supposed to be the real premise of the film. Except all she does is sit around and brood some more before deciding to turn the case over to the cops.

Yep, no wacky Blank Check style spending spree, she just comes clean about the whole thing. But, she’s able to turn her story into a best-selling book! Now a famous author, she hobnobs with the rich and famous in another series of long, uneventful scenes. Meanwhile, gangsters halfheartedly try to kill her, and Debbie Harry continues to drop in to stand around silently. There’s also some oddly casual nudity from Schygulla, and an appearance by Wayne Knight as a shoe-licker in a fetish club. None of this actually advances the plot.

At about an hour and 15 minutes, the mobsters finally manage to capture Elaine and…I guess demand an apology? It’s pretty damn unclear what they actually want since she already told the police everything and doesn’t have the money anymore. Anyway, they’re about to kill her when Officer Baldwin makes his triumphant return and saves the day. In the process, the picture of Debbie Harry is splashed by some clearly-labeled Paul Newman salad dressing, which reveals a secret message!

The photo actually concealed the names of the city’s biggest drug dealers. Alec instantly recognizes the names, leading me to wonder why a list of already-known drug dealers would be at all valuable. At any rate, with the three thugs dead, clearly nobody will every bother Elaine again, so she and Alec celebrate by getting it on in the back of a dirty mob-owned fish market. In the last scene, Elaine finally runs into Debbie Harry, recognizes her as Lulu, kinda shrugs at the coincidence, and walks away.

Forever Lulu: The Apple

Reaction
Obviously, Alec Baldwin wasn’t yet a star, so I wasn’t that shocked that he plays a glorified bit part. But I gotta tell you, for a film with the tagline “Two outrageous women are turning New York City upside-down!” I expected a story with at least two women. Take a look at the DVD cover again. It’s a production shot from that final scene, the only notable time Debbie Harry actually interacts with Hanna Schygulla. If all those wistful glances were supposed to be significant enough to elevate Harry to co-star status, I guess that significance was lost on me. And I don’t buy that the best friend is the other woman either, as she’s mostly an afterthought.

Anyway, no one was expecting the first film in Baldwin’s catalog to validate his career, and it certainly doesn’t, but he escapes mostly unscathed. In a movie that manages to feel interminable at 85 minutes, Baldwin’s scenes are a welcome relief. This is partly because he has the good fortune of being in the few scenes that actually shove the plot forward. But it’s also due to Baldwin’s undeniable likability, a theme I’m pretty sure we’ll see repeated as we continue our voyage up his IMDb page. His performance is hammy and one-dimensional here, but you just can’t help enjoying it at least a little.

So that’s our first Home School. I promise they won’t all be so long. Next time, we’ll take a look at She’s Having a Baby, which provides a bigger role for Baldwin and a bit more opportunity for critique.

Final Stats
Movie Rating: ★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆  4 out of 10
Baldwin Rating: ★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆  5 out of 10
Biggest Takeaway: Hanna Schygulla is difficult to watch when clothed. Further study needed.
Quote for Your Facebook Status: “Have you ever made love to an older woman in a fish store?”


Feb 26 2010

“Burke and Hare” Photos!

I’ll be the first to admit that this photo really tell us nothing at all about the upcoming John Landis directed Burke and Hare.  Hell, for all we know, it could have been taken while a somewhat fat Simon Pegg and Andy Serkis bar-hopped around London dressed like 19th century Irish murderers.  Whatever the case, these pictures prove that Ryan and I did not invent the John Landis comeback story (or Chevy or Pee-wee for that matter), as some rival websites are now claiming…I’m looking at you, Entertainment Tonight Online Experience.  See all of the pics over at TotalFilm!

Next week on Critical End!

Get ready for the Oscars, kids!  Oh, and Ryan starts the long road down Alec Baldwin’s “career”!


Jan 25 2010

Bruce Campbell to Continue Being Named Bruce Campbell

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You're gonna to make it after all!

Bruce Campbell has announced that he will star in a follow-up to My Name is Bruce, in which he played a comically exaggerated self-deprecating version of himself that saves a small town from a demon.  In the sequel, Bruce Vs. Frankenstein, he’ll wind up in Europe where he, presumably, will save a small European town from a mad scientist and his monstrous creation.  I’m not sure what got Campbell going on this, but if he wants to remake the rest of Abbott and Costello’s oeuvre while he’s at it (Bruce Campbell Chainsaws the Mummy, Bruce Campbell Wrestles the Invisible Man, The Wistful She-Bitch of Wagon Gap, etc.), I’m completely on board.

Honestly, though, My Name is Bruce wasn’t all that hot.  It was hokey, like a lot of Campbell’s work, but it lacked the Sam Raimi execution that makes that kind of thing work.  And Ted Raimi turned in four performances that made me realize why Sam usually limits him to cameos.  Here’s hoping they pull it off a bit better this time.

[via /Film]


Jan 18 2010

What to Expect When You’re Out of Crap to Remake

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Alternately known as "What to Suppose When You're Presupposing" or "Placenta: A Love Story."

Good news!  There’s going to be a movie version of popular (?) pregnancy guide What to Expect When You’re Expecting.  And it’s a romantic comedy about parenthood!

After the stirring social commentary that was He’s Just Not That Into You, Logan and I suspected that we had a new trend on our hands.  Well, this confirms it:  We’re officially on to self-help books.  Not since the board game adaptation trend, or even the amusement park ride adaptation trend, has a more exciting movie-from-not-a-movie trend crossed our desks.

Never one to lag behind the times, I threw the idea into the Critical End! Trend-O-Tronic Pitch Machine (TM) and it predicted what we have to look forward to between now and 2012 when John Cusack kills us all:

Rich Dad Poor Dad
Two single dads, hard working blue-collar contractor Danny Miles (John Travolta) and pampered blue-blooded aristocrat Trevor Pennybottom (Colin Firth) magically switch bodies thanks to a Wiccan ritual gone wrong.  Can they each raise the other’s daughter while learning a little about themselves in the process?

Awaken the Giant Within
A young boy (Chandler Canterbury) is devastated by his parents impending divorce, so he retreats to a fantasy world (crafted by director Guillermo del Toro) where he is a man-eating giant.  Aziz Ansari plays the dual roles of the kindly fisherman that befriends the boy and the voice of the giant’s comical fruit-fly companion.

Self Matters
Dr. Phillip Self (Jason Alexander) is a forensic scientist on the trail of the Paper Crane Killer.  But the real casualty may be his long-neglected marriage.  Bebe Neuwirth costars.

Yoga and the Wisdom of Menopause
Will be exactly like the book except the full title will be Tyler Perry’s Yoga and the Wisdom of Menopause.

Anyway, if you’re one of the 14 million people who have already read What to Expect When You’re Expecting, please don’t ruin the ending for your friends.  (SPOILER: A baby.)

[I Watch Stuff]


Dec 30 2009

Critical End! (The Podcast) #39: Houndz

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Is Robert Downey Jr. hording all of this money in a basement somewhere, fully aware that his star could fall again at any moment?  Or is he like “What the hell, I can always make a sequel to Mr. Willowby’s Christmas Tree!”   REVIEWED: Sherlock HolmesPLUS: More musings on the trials of theater-going, including the secret world of the Kiosk Gnome.

Download it.

 

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Dec 29 2009

Biff’s Question Song

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We all know Tom Wilson as Biff from Back to the Future,  and if my DVR is any judge, he’s still doing okay for himself making the rounds on procedural crime dramas.  But who knew he did stand up?  You do now (thanks to /Film).  And–shock of shocks–he does a musical bit about BTTF in his act.


Dec 24 2009

Hollywood to voice actors: The guy from The Love Guru outranks you.

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Daws Butler at work.

Daws Butler at work.

First, we learned that Dan Aykroyd would, for some reason, be voicing Yogi Bear in the upcoming CGI/live-action hybrid film. Weird for several reasons, including:

  • Dan Aykroyd hasn’t been the kind of name that can sell a film for years
  • Dan Aykroyd is “retired”
  • And most important to me, Dan Aykroyd is not a voice actor.

Voice actors are a talented breed. Daws Butler made Yogi and a ton of other Hanna Barbera characters the cultural icons they are today. Since his death, a select group of voice professionals, many trained by Butler himself, have stepped forward to keep his characters alive. So now that Yogi’s going all big budget, it seems unfair to rob a working voice actor of the payday by giving the role to a semi-retired purveyor of magic skull vodka.  No offense, Dan.

But it’s certainly not the most egregious offense ever levied against our golden-throated brethren.  After all, Yogi hasn’t really had a regular voice since Greg Burson stopped working in 2004 (Google that for a truly sad tale), so recasting the part doesn’t hurt any one specific artist.

"This makes me very angry, very angry indeed."

"This makes me very angry. Very angry indeed."

Which brings us to the rumor that Mike Myers may voice Marvin the Martian in yet another half CGI/half C-list actor combo movie.  Really?   Really, everybody?  We’re cool with this?  Mike Myers, the guy responsible for what may be the least watchable movie of all time?  (FUN HOME GAME: Find a friend.  Got one?  Good.  Now refer to Mike Myers as “the guy responsible for what may be the least watchable movie of all time” and see which film your friend thinks you’re talking about.)

Yes, a man who is already immeasurably rich is going to get the keys to another dump truck full of money in exchange for what will very likely be a terrible, unresearched imitation of Mel Blanc, while Joe Alaskey–easily one of the most talented voice actors working today–continues to toil in relative obscurity.  Or, more likely and more insulting, Alaskey will end up doing one of the movie’s disposable bit characters while Myers ham-tonguedly mars (Get it?  Mars?) Marvin’s legacy.

Their love didn't follow the rules...of space.

Their love didn't follow the rules...of space.

Look.  Some of the most recognizable (and lucrative) characters in the world are cartoons.  Yet, Hollywood continues to treat the performers  who bring them to life like second class citizens.   Take a look at any poster for Space Jam (WARNING: Do not take a look at the movie Space Jam.)  You’ll see that the top-billed stars are Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny.  Oh, I’m sorry!  Bugs Bunny and Michael Jordan. So why is it that when the movie premiered, Michael was led into the prestigious Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, while Billy West and the rest of the voice cast were shunted into an entirely separate screening.  I mean, I get that Jordan is going to get the press attention, but were they afraid he might accidentally catch some talent if he spent 90 minutes in the same room with a voice actor?

I’ll tell you what will change things:  If the audience starts caring.  For every ten people who know Will Smith starred in Shark Tale, I want one who can name any Maurice LeMarche character.  The more Hollywood thinks you care, the more we’ll see voice actors in trailer credits and on talk shows, and the less likely Justin Long will somehow end up voicing Alvin the Chipmunk.  I dream of a day when our children’s children will line up to see Frank  Welker walk the red carpet to receive his lifetime achievement award.  And if somebody tells Tom Kenny he can’t go to the same premiere as David Hasselhoff, he can look them right in the eye and say “Fuck you, man.  I’m SpongeBob SquarePants and I’ll go any place I Goddamn please.”


Nov 19 2009

Bored to Death? More like BORED to Death!

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bored2death

Okay, Bored to Death, what the hell?  I’ve given you like five episodes at this point and not only do you refuse to get good, you refuse to even acknowledge your premise.

Jason Schwartzman as neurotic Philip Marlowe = Comedy Gold.  So why does this show exploit none of the tropes of the genre its ostensibly riffing on?  Every episode is a boring Point A to Point B slog with almost no mystery.  It’s much more a male Sex in the City than anything else.  Ted Danson is pretty much the only reason I’m still watching, but if the series doesn’t deliver on the second half of its first two-parter this weekend, it’ll be time for me to give up and go back to waiting for Slackers 2.


Nov 16 2009

Critical End! (The Podcast) #33: Team Jake v. Team Tobey

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This audio recording is being beamed directly into your brain with Jedi mind tricks.  REVIEWED: The Men Who Stare at Goats.  PLUS: Trailer talk, featuring Brothers.

Download it.

 

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Nov 2 2009

Adam Sandler Just Kidding About Being an Actor

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HE EATS BABIES, PEOPLE!  When will you learn to shun him!

HE EATS BABIES, PEOPLE! When will you learn to shun him!

In a way, I’m glad that Sandler is apparently reversing his decision to go the way of Jim Carrey, filling the latter half of his career with maudlin “sad clown” roles a la Punch-Drunk Love and Funny People.  I would have hated for him to gain any degree of semi-legitimacy.  Although to be fair, Carrey, unlike Sandler, actually used to be funny.

What I’m getting at is the news that Sandler is set to star in Jack and Jill, a move in which he plays twins.  Named Jack and Jill.  And it’s a romantic comedy.

Beyond the inevitable Sandler-related factors (Jill will talk in a baby voice for some reason, Drew Barrymore will be put-upon but charmed), nothing more has leaked out about the plot.  But Sandler fans will surely hail this as a return to form, and give it a great opening weekend.

With that in mind, I’m getting the jump on my own “Nursery Rhyme Title as Raunchy Romantic Comedy” pitches.  Here’s a taste:

Old Mother Hubbard
When Dick Hubbard’s (Dane Cook) foul-mouthed grandmother dies during his annual visit,  Dick stumbles upon her will and is shocked to discover that she’s left all her money to a local animal charity.  If Dick wants his inheritance, he’ll have to pose as his own grandmother (with the help of his theater school pals) long enough to convince her lawyer to change the will.  It’s the perfect plan until the sexy and passionate director of the charity (Kristen Stewart) shows up to plead the animals’ case and get back on “grandma’s” good side!

What do you guys think?  I’ve also got a great poster for Little Jack Hornier

[via Chud]