Jun 30 2011

Rowan Atkinson Reborn

It’s been a while since Rowan Atkinson last lit up my local cineplex.  Since another Mr. Bean is still out of the question (Atkinson said in several interviews that 2007’s Mr. Bean’s Holiday was the final send-off of the character), it looks like we’re going to have to settle with Johnny English Reborn.  Sure, the first one was just so-so and performed as such in America, but you have to remember that it was a huge hit on it’s native UK where Rowan is still a box office draw.

Jun 14 2011

Logan’s Badly Photoshopped Poster of the Week

As usual, I arrived a bit early for Super 8 (thoughts coming tomorrow!) this past weekend, and took some time to walk around the lobby to check out all of the new posters.  I saw a few of my old friends, and also stumbled across one of the busiest posters I’ve seen in a while.  Let’s take a look, but be warned: you may want to scroll slowly.  If you try to take this in all at once, there is a slight chance of blowing your mind all over the keyboard.

Where to start?  It appears that the studio had well over four hundred production photos and they wanted to use every fucking one of them.  Besides the goofy hair, the only thing of even remote interest on this poster is a sword fight with fire on the bottom right.  Heck, they could have at least given Milla a bust line or something.

Jun 9 2011

Finally! A Movie Trailer that Doesn’t Scream “MOVIE TRAILER!”

The whole Girl with the Dragon Tattoo phenomenon was one of those things that kind of came and went without me caring.  I heard good buzz about the book and even better buzz about the Swedish films, but I still didn’t really care that much.  Not that I have anything against it, it’s just that I already have a huge stack of both books and movies sitting around my apartment that I need to get to first.

That being said, this trailer really blew me away:

Watching it on a computer monitor really doesn’t do it justice.  In a dark theater with booming speakers, it comes across as a full on assault on the senses.  Yes, I understand that it’s nothing more than a glorified music video of sorts, but I love it when studios realize that the trailer to a film can be so much more than just clips of Adam Sandler getting smacked in the crotch set to bad voice-over.  The upcoming Muppets film did it a few weeks back with their first teaser, and now this.  Keep it up, Hollywood.

Jun 3 2011

Robert Rodriguez Continues Spiral into Mediocrity

Ya know, Robert Rodriguez, when you made only one film exclusively for your kids, I was mostly able to ignore it.  Six films, however, is a different story.  I mean, the hell?  How do you keep getting funding for this shit?  Besides, aren’t your kids in college now?  Shouldn’t you be making an all Mexican cast, 3D version of Animal House for them or something?

Anyway, let’s take a look at (gag) Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, shall we? (throws up)

Talking dogs, Jessica Alba, and the use of fucking “4D”?  What is that exactly, Rodriguez?  Are you going to pay ushers to come into the theater and throw fake dog poo in my face?  While you’re at it, why not pay them to apologize for your carrer post-Desperado?

And while I’m complaining, what’s up with your career, Joel McHale?  Community has proven that you can act, so why are you skipping to the end of Chevy Chase’s career by jumping into family films that require no acting ability?

Ok.  I’m done.  Sorry.

Jun 2 2011

Sam Neill to Jurassic Park 4: “Eat a Bowl of Suck!”

Now that director Joe Johnston has started making the press rounds for Captain America, it was only a matter of time before some reporter (Logan in a disguise, perhaps?) inquired about Jurassic Park 4.  Always a sport, Johnston had the following to say:

“…it likely won’t be another storyline about a group of people struggling to survive a dinosaur attack…why would anybody go back to that island? It was hard enough to figure out the second and third reason for them to go, but it would take it off in a whole other trilogy basically, but when it gets to that level it’s sort of about studios and Steven [Spielberg’s] thing and who knows. I think we are at that point where we are due for another one if we are going to do it.”

Obviously, they already have my money.  I’d be interested to see what new direction they would take the series.  As for my other Jurassic Park BFF, Sam Neill?  Not so much.

“I think we’ve told the story. I think it’s done.”

“I’ll tell you what. If Michael Crichton time travels, [and] writes the book…then absolutely.”

Fair enough, Sam, although knowing Michael Crichton, there is a chance he may have found a way to do that before his death.  Whatever the case, I’ll miss you.  I kind of figured you needed the work.

Chevy Chase shares his thoughts on "Happy Town" with old pal Sam Neill.

via Scifi Mafia

May 31 2011

New Twilight Film to Feature More Wind, Less Actors

Hey, long time Critical End! fans!  Remember us complaining about this godawful poster last year?

Click on the poster for a link to the retro CE! article!

Wow.  Looking at that again, I still can’t figure out why the two sides of Kristen Stewart’s face just can’t get along.  Anyway, It seems that Summit Entertainment learned their lesson last time about badly cropped posters, as they’ve taken an entirely new approach with the upcoming Breaking Dawn: Part One teaser poster.  That approach?  Laziness


May 26 2011

Surprise! The theater experience is even worse than you thought

Since nearly every chain theater in America went digital, I’ve noticed something odd taking place.  I can even remember the first film I noticed it: Saw III.  With it’s mostly muted colors and overall grey tone, the film appeared, to put it bluntly, too dark.  However, most of the Saw films were supposed to look like they were shot in a crypt, so I shrugged it off and returned to complaining about the group of underage teens who were talking and recording most of the film on their cell phones.

But then I started noticing it during other movies.  Sherlock Holmes, Clash of the Titans, Shutter Island, and this weekend, Pirates if the Caribbean.  Sure, I could see most of the action, but surely not all of these films were meant to look this dark and faded.  I would mention it to others, and often did, but they would suggest I get my eyes checked and start talking about how clear digital projectors have made films.

Guess what?  Turns out I was right.

Theaters are ripping us off and we have digital projectors and 3D films to blame.  Even if you’re seeing a film in 2D.  What am I on about?  Roger Ebert has written a great article that discusses this very problem and how it’s quickly becoming the norm.  Quick: Give it a read.

As usual, I’m glad to be right, however this looks to be a major problem that nobody is going to care to fix.  Ebert recommends that we should complain and get a refund.  He makes a great point, but I can already imagine the reaction I’ll get when I attempt to explain what’s wrong to some pimply faced teenager.

So…anybody else noticing this?

May 25 2011

Don’t Toy With My Emotions, Arnold Schwarzenegger!


The hijinks of Danny DeVito can't save you now, Arnold.

Damn you, Arnold! I was all excited about your return to film and then you go and retroactively have had an affair, complete with love child. Now the Daily Beast reports that you’re putting your career on hold and that that wonderfully goofy Governator cartoon has been scrapped.  I waited for however-many long years you were in office to get another taste of your unique brand of goofy machismo and just when the prize is in sight you decide it’s time to focus on your multiple families.

Look, obviously the Schwarzeneggers are going through a tough time, and I hope they work it out and get through this.  But in the meantime, wouldn’t it be healthy for Arnold to lose himself in his work a little?  And by his work I mean movies where he’s a violent robot, alien hunter, or undercover spy.

Until then, we’ll have to look elsewhere for over-the-top performances and badly written dialog.  Like, say…video games!

May 20 2011

Less Plot. More Dancing!

I’ve read the 1938 children’s novel Mr. Popper’s Penguins several times, and let me just say that I’m glad they managed to work the wonderful scene when Mr. Popper teaches the penguins to hip hop dance into the upcoming film.

In all seriousness, I was thinking nice things about this film until the final scene of the trailer. It’s a great kids book and the updates seem to work, but why oh why must every film with CG animals feature them hip hop dancing?! If this is what CGI was meant for, I no longer want it. Please take it back.

May 17 2011

Sleepover at Logan’s! No fatties, please.

I still remember my old VHS copy of the original Fright Night that I dragged to EVERY sleepover I went to.  We were almost never allow to watch it (boobies!), but it was always a fun/scary good time whenever we did.  Anyway, the trailer is now out for the remake, and I must say that I’m getting the same fun vibes.  Perhaps I should just skip this in theaters and throw a slumber party when the DVD comes out.  Who’s in?

May 10 2011

The Aquabats to Ruin Your Kids

The Aquabats have been one of my favorite bands for a long time now.  Songs like “Pizza Day”, “Magic Chicken”, and “Tiny Pants” were staples throughout my college years and continue to show up on my iPod on a daily basis.  I’d forgotten that Aquabats lead Christian Jacobs started it all with the hopes of some day scoring an Aquabats TV show.  While he managed to find success with Yo Gabba Gabba! (which features some of the “creatures” from the Aquabats stage show), his dream of a Aquabats show for kids never managed to catch on.

Until now.

After almost 15 years of trying, the official Aquabats site is reporting a 13 episode contract with HASBRO’s The Hub channel is currently being developed.  While I’ve never even heard of this station, I really hope this some how goes big.  Are kids ready for a show featuring overweight men from a ska band with fake mustaches wearing spandex and fighting crime?  The only correct answer is yes. 

Yes, they are.

May 6 2011

Something to Ponder Over the Weekend

Here’s country singer Charley Pride:

Here’s who /Film is reporting will play country singer Charley Pride in an upcoming biopic:

Allow me to be the first to say “…the hell?”

May 3 2011

Finally! Hobbit News to (Kinda) Care About!

Yes, this is the least gayest picture I could find of Lee Pace.

Despite two cult shows, Lee Pace has managed to stay under the radar for quite a while now.  It’s not hard to see why.  Sure, I loved him in Wonderfalls and Pushing Daisies, but his film career has been lackluster and completely void of the charm he brought to those shows.   I’m looking at you, Possession, Marmaduke, and The Resident.

But 2011 looked to be a big year for our old pal Lee.  He managed to score a role in (ugh) the final two Twilight films.  And Sunday came the news that Peter Jackson has cast him in the long delayed upcoming Hobbit films.  This works, as not only does Lee already look somewhat like an elf (and indeed as he was cast an elf king or something equally nerdy), but maybe this will lead to more lucrative roles for him besides “Lead female’s boyfriend who dies in the third act”.

Time will tell.  God speed, li’l Lee! 

via Empire

May 2 2011

Wherever they need us, our destinies lead us…


No, that headline isn’t a reference to any dead terrorists. The Three Amigos ride again thanks to a photo shoot and interview session by Empire Magazine. Badass Digest has a short behind-the-scenes video of the shoot which reveals that John Landis was on hand as well. Can’t wait to read the full article!

Apr 29 2011

Schwarzenegger and Fast Five Director attached to Next Terminator


Makeup tests are underway.

We all knew it was inevitable, but it looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger will be returning to the Terminator franchise just as soon as he can get somebody to pay for it.  Apparently, Justin Lin of Fast Five fame is going to direct.

While I’m glad to see Arnold return to movies, I’m only now realizing that I don’t particularly want him returning to the Terminator.  I suspect that another Arnold Terminator would be the same old thing we’ve seen three times before, as opposed to the fairly inventive take that Terminator Salvation showed us when forced to do (mostly) without his involvement.

Sure, I’ll still see it, but I’d take another True Lies or even Predator before another Terminator, unless they find a new and interesting take on the concept.

[via /Film]